My State of Mind

After the last post, some might think I'm having some difficulty.

I am.

I am kind of dry. Given that dryness is a normal state for me, that would mean I am the 'as arid as Death Valley in July' kind of dry. I feel spent. I feel like my focus and purpose is gone; that, in fact, God may be done with me here.

I guess that could be the case. I will be 60 this year. What have I got left to do? Nothing really. No big tasks beyond getting things ready before I die. That will keep me busy for a couple of years maybe. Beyond that, I do not see much of a future.

You say, well surely there are things you want to do or see once you're retired.

To that I say, 'well maybe', but the prospect of doing them alone is kind of boring. I could take someone with me, but what will people say? Especially Christian people. If I take a guy, they will think we're knockin boots. If I take a girl, they will think, 'well maybe he changed his mind. They should get married'.

There is also the fact that God and I are still in disagreement over certain things. He may decide to take me out before I really do something stupid.

Everything is just in flux right now. There is uncertainty in my life again that has not been there for the last 5+ years. I kind of hate it. I am accustomed to duty and serving because I am supposed to. The freedom to do something else has never been a possibility that I gave consideration too.

Now it is. Add this to the fact that I am losing interest in teaching my class at church. I kind of want to retire from that too. And it might be time. I am getting kind of boring I think. It might be time for me to go.

I really think I'm done. God has not indicated otherwise. I am not equipped to do much beyond what I have been doing. It might be time to pack it in and seek more heavenly havens. What would be so bad about that?

I've been told that every time God closes a door, he opens another one. Maybe he is getting ready to open the last door for me.

I think I have an adventure coming one way or another. It will be interesting to see what happens.

Lord, I need direction.