Clarity

I'm told that the practice of fasting brings mental, spiritual and emotional clarity. I say I am told this because I have never actually fasted. Through the mechanization's of dementia however, my father seems to be doing just that.

He has not been eating much. He has been refusing his medications. He is now down to water for the most part and the occasional bite of food from his meal tray. He does not eat because, as he says, nothing tastes good to him. I think this is probably true. If you have no appetite and nothing is appetizing, you do not want to eat. I was in the lunch room with him one day and they were serving theses sandwiches. I am not a sandwich person, but he used to be. He had a couple of bites of it and then said it "tastes like rear end". I'm not sure how he would know that, but I did not want to get into the details.

He's just not hungry.

Even so, today when I went in to see him after church, he seemed unusually alert and awake and conversational. He asked me what I had been doing and what I was going to do today. I told him I had been to church and was thinking about a nap this afternoon and then I asked him what he was going to do. He said the calendar was open, but he would find something to keep himself busy.

If you had been there, you would have understood how funny our conversation was. His sense of humor was there and very alive despite his refusal of food and medication. Mentally he seemed more active to me than before his hip fracture. If I did not know better, I would think he is up to something.

His refusal of medication and food tells me that he is trying to die. I might be wrong about this, but you know what? He can do what he wants. He is 80 years old and his prognosis is not good. His future here has no hold on him. He has no reason to stay. Mom will meet him in paradise, he will be in his right mind and there will be no need to worry about eating or meds. Peace is just around the corner.

I wish him well and the best. He can take his time here and go when he wants. He is free to do so and I am sure God has his place ready. In the meantime, care will be provided.

I hope that he and I have a few more moments like this before we have to separate. He was just funny today. I do not relish becoming an orphan, but when the quality of life here becomes awful, a man should be able to go if he wants. It ain't suicide. It's not euthanasia. It's just moving on to the next thing. And that thing is not here. He may be ready for the next adventure. I will let you know if things change.

I love you.

JB