As I sit here staring out the front window, I can see that the daffodils are sporting yellow heads that are about to burst open. It seems early for that. Maybe it's due to all the rain. Even so, a good freeze is still possible until mid May. Stupid flowers.
I have much to do today. I got my letter of appointment as executor of Dad's will, so I will be going to the bank today to set up an estate account. I will also drop a copy to the accountant so he can finish Dad's taxes for me. I also have to read my proposed new last will and testament to see if it meets my needs and then send the lawyer my approval or proposed changes. This will is a bit more complex than my last one. Whoever said dying was easy :^)
Speaking of that, I guess my post yesterday bummed out some of you. I apologize for that, but you know I always tend to look the inevitable in the eye and say, "go ahead; make my day". I am not unhappy or depressed about anything. I am good to go for as long as God will put up with my shenanigans here. Y'all may be stuck with me for a very long time so buckle your seat belt. Turbulence may be ahead. Let the adventure begin!
I have a story brewing in my mind. It will not be an American literary classic, but it might be funny. We will see what develops. If anything comes of it, I will begin to post the chapters here on the blog. I can tell you that the characters will be based on people I know. So if you read about someone and think you know that person...you probably do. It might be You. This will be fun.
Gotta go now. Later
Friday, March 31, 2017
Thursday, March 30, 2017
Living in Retirement
I received my first retirement card today. Thanks Judy for that. I appreciate all the things that you said and I want you to know that I am not retiring from church or my obligations to friends, family and my brothers and sisters in Christ. I will not do that. And, Lord willing, I have enough to keep me busy here with the house and property for at least two years. Even so, I will stay here though I might move to other smaller quarters simply because I am getting old and there is no one to help me as I helped Dad. I guess that might be considered my fault. Maybe. Maybe not. Whatever.
I had a conversation with a trusted friend over coffee earlier this week. He suggested I travel or do what I wanted to do and even take someone with me. Again, I appreciate the sentiment, but that is not likely.
My personality is such that I cannot stand to be with the same person for any length of time. I am just too hard to deal with in any extended way. It is true that I could change or shut up, but then I would cease to be me. I will always be the angry prophet crying my truth. It just does not sit well over time with most folks. Even the people that love me, can't really take me for more than four hours at a stretch. One of my friends once said that I was like fine sand paper; I just slowly wear them away.
So friends, I am not going anywhere. My church and my family and what few friends I have are stuck with me for whatever time remains to me, after which I will become the plague of heaven. I will do my best not to get on your nerves or cause too much trouble, but y'all are stuck with me until you put my ashes to rest in Rising Sun Cemetery.
That reminds me; I have to buy a head stone and make arrangements. No funeral is planned. There will just be a few of friends called together for a quick graveside. Not sure I will even have them notify the family. When all is said and done, I would like it to be as if I had never been here.
We will see how that works. I'm not sure, but I get the impression it could happen very soon. I don't think I have anything left to do that really matters. The Lord is going to have to show me if there is. I will stay till He comes back if that's what He wants. Not a problem, but not likely to happen.
Later friends. I love you.
I had a conversation with a trusted friend over coffee earlier this week. He suggested I travel or do what I wanted to do and even take someone with me. Again, I appreciate the sentiment, but that is not likely.
My personality is such that I cannot stand to be with the same person for any length of time. I am just too hard to deal with in any extended way. It is true that I could change or shut up, but then I would cease to be me. I will always be the angry prophet crying my truth. It just does not sit well over time with most folks. Even the people that love me, can't really take me for more than four hours at a stretch. One of my friends once said that I was like fine sand paper; I just slowly wear them away.
So friends, I am not going anywhere. My church and my family and what few friends I have are stuck with me for whatever time remains to me, after which I will become the plague of heaven. I will do my best not to get on your nerves or cause too much trouble, but y'all are stuck with me until you put my ashes to rest in Rising Sun Cemetery.
That reminds me; I have to buy a head stone and make arrangements. No funeral is planned. There will just be a few of friends called together for a quick graveside. Not sure I will even have them notify the family. When all is said and done, I would like it to be as if I had never been here.
We will see how that works. I'm not sure, but I get the impression it could happen very soon. I don't think I have anything left to do that really matters. The Lord is going to have to show me if there is. I will stay till He comes back if that's what He wants. Not a problem, but not likely to happen.
Later friends. I love you.
Tuesday, March 28, 2017
Doc, It Hurts When I Do That
You might remember that I've been sick. Well, I'm mostly better, except when I lay down. My sinuses are still draining and it makes me cough. The coughing has made my abdominal muscles sore, particularly the top right one just below my rib cage. The result is that I can't sleep. I woke up coughing at 2:30 AM and I could not go back to sleep and my abs were in spasm. So I got up carefully and went in to the bathroom to fill the tub with very hot water. I turned on the jets and got in and it gave me some relief from the pain and the sinus dripping. I got some sleep too; yes, in the tub. I woke up about 5:30 fully pruned and ready to go...somewhere, then I remembered I had to meet Steve at Caribou this morning, so I got dressed and came over early.
My abdomen is still quite sore. It feels like there might actually be a herniation. I am going to have to go back to the doctor. I really hate that, but I have to get rid of this pain right?
In other news, I'm also hoping the attorney will call today to say my letter of appointment as Dad's executor is ready to go. I need to set up estate accounts and get the names changed on all his vehicles and boats and trailer and....you get my drift. Probate is going to ruin my first summer in retirement.
I also got the paperwork from Minnesota Life on Saturday to file a claim on Dad's policy. There was one page to fill out and I had to send copies of Mom and Dad's death certificates. I mailed it all on Saturday. I hope to hear something soon. The attorney seemed to think there could be quite a bit of money, even though Mom quit paying on it in 2006. I'm not sure how that all works. I've never had a whole life policy.
I'm back at work this week. I've been chiseling away at getting my retirement stuff done. I still need to find health insurance. I may go with what I have now. That's an option. It will probably be expensive, but at least I will know all the details. I can shop later for something less expensive if need be. Right now, I'm trying to get as much medical stuff done as possible so I do not have to pay for it. I have an eye appointment next week and I'm going to try and squeeze in a colonoscopy before May 1. I will need a driver for that one. Purge and probe. It's like having a garden hose up your butt, but you get to sleep through it while they look at the inside of your large intestine on TV. Why am I worried about ending up on YouTube?
I also have to make arrangements to roll over my 401K and sell my UPS stock. Then there is the matter of my pension with the company I used to work for. I will need to file with them. I think I will delay any payments until I'm 65. That's what I'm doing with my UPS pension.
Lots to do. Time is short. April might be messy.
My life has just been in total upheaval since December 1. I will be glad when the paperwork part of this transition is over. I still have to clear out my condo and get it sold and I have to start the repairs on my new residence And then there is lawn mowing. This has never been part of my life. Now I have six acres.
The joke will really be on me though if I get all this done and then die.
My heirs are smiling. I can feel it from here.
Note to self...watch your back :^)
My abdomen is still quite sore. It feels like there might actually be a herniation. I am going to have to go back to the doctor. I really hate that, but I have to get rid of this pain right?
In other news, I'm also hoping the attorney will call today to say my letter of appointment as Dad's executor is ready to go. I need to set up estate accounts and get the names changed on all his vehicles and boats and trailer and....you get my drift. Probate is going to ruin my first summer in retirement.
I also got the paperwork from Minnesota Life on Saturday to file a claim on Dad's policy. There was one page to fill out and I had to send copies of Mom and Dad's death certificates. I mailed it all on Saturday. I hope to hear something soon. The attorney seemed to think there could be quite a bit of money, even though Mom quit paying on it in 2006. I'm not sure how that all works. I've never had a whole life policy.
I'm back at work this week. I've been chiseling away at getting my retirement stuff done. I still need to find health insurance. I may go with what I have now. That's an option. It will probably be expensive, but at least I will know all the details. I can shop later for something less expensive if need be. Right now, I'm trying to get as much medical stuff done as possible so I do not have to pay for it. I have an eye appointment next week and I'm going to try and squeeze in a colonoscopy before May 1. I will need a driver for that one. Purge and probe. It's like having a garden hose up your butt, but you get to sleep through it while they look at the inside of your large intestine on TV. Why am I worried about ending up on YouTube?
I also have to make arrangements to roll over my 401K and sell my UPS stock. Then there is the matter of my pension with the company I used to work for. I will need to file with them. I think I will delay any payments until I'm 65. That's what I'm doing with my UPS pension.
Lots to do. Time is short. April might be messy.
My life has just been in total upheaval since December 1. I will be glad when the paperwork part of this transition is over. I still have to clear out my condo and get it sold and I have to start the repairs on my new residence And then there is lawn mowing. This has never been part of my life. Now I have six acres.
The joke will really be on me though if I get all this done and then die.
My heirs are smiling. I can feel it from here.
Note to self...watch your back :^)
Thursday, March 23, 2017
A Theology of Singleness - Doug Welch
This is the best explanation of where our churches should be with single people that I have ever heard. Doug knows what he is talking about. I hope he writes a book about this. Wake up people. Stop focusing on the family. 50.2% of our population is NOT married. How will we ever get them in the church when we focus on marriage and family at the expense of single people that LIKE being single. It's about 28 minutes long, but it is a very engaging video. I encourage you to watch the whole thing clear through. Think about it. Christianity ain't all about you married folks.
Wednesday, March 22, 2017
News of the Week in Review...and it's only Wednesday
Hi...I think I told you I have been sick. I went to the doctor yesterday. I got some meds (Z-pack, steroids, inhaler) and some blood tests done. I got the test results this morning. I have an unusual cold virus that, left untreated, can cause pneumonia (which is bacterial). So, I continue with the meds until finished and see what happens. They also did a liver panel and kidney panel (BUN). Apparently my liver is fine. Considering the abuse it's endured over the years, I am quite pleased by that. My creatine levels were a bit above normal, but this may be a function of the cold virus. Being sick messes with your kidneys. They have trouble keeping up with the waste materials in the blood from the sickness, meds as well as the usual day to day garbage. I also eat a fairly high protein diet and I have hypertension and I'm sure that plays into it too. Whatever. I'm almost 60 years old. My warranty is up. Stuff is going to start to fall apart. Getting old is an adventure in creeky joints, sore muscles, ailing organs and interesting bodily secretions and mental delusions.
In other news, I found a life insurance policy on Dad that my uncle had sold. I had him check it out just in case there was some unclaimed cash there. I was not hopeful because I knew from the documentation I have that Mom had quite paying on it in 2006. It's good that I did this. It turns out that after Mom quit paying the premiums, the insurance company started using the cash value of the policy to make the payments. The policy is still active. I have to get in touch with them today to see what's left. My point here is never assume. I came very close to throwing out the policy because I assumed it was inactive. Check out stuff like this. It's important. I'm hoping to come up with a tidy sum of something untaxable. I will report back when I have a figure.
I learned this week that I will have to probate Dad's will. It's the only way to get the house in my name and the cars as well. The attorney says it's a 4 month process. I also have to get a piece of paper for the accountant from the attorney stating that I am the executor of the estate so he can file Dad's taxes. I think the truth is that lawyers and accountants run the world. It's not the guys at the top, it's the ones in the middle. They could bring everything crashing down around our ears if they wanted to and no one could do anything about it.
OK. Now I have to do my taxes and call Minnesota Life or whatever they are called now...I think it's Securian Financial Group. Wish me luck or blessings or whatever you believe in. Fate maybe? That sounds too final. This year has been a real adventure in living. I like it to last a bit longer. Later.
In other news, I found a life insurance policy on Dad that my uncle had sold. I had him check it out just in case there was some unclaimed cash there. I was not hopeful because I knew from the documentation I have that Mom had quite paying on it in 2006. It's good that I did this. It turns out that after Mom quit paying the premiums, the insurance company started using the cash value of the policy to make the payments. The policy is still active. I have to get in touch with them today to see what's left. My point here is never assume. I came very close to throwing out the policy because I assumed it was inactive. Check out stuff like this. It's important. I'm hoping to come up with a tidy sum of something untaxable. I will report back when I have a figure.
I learned this week that I will have to probate Dad's will. It's the only way to get the house in my name and the cars as well. The attorney says it's a 4 month process. I also have to get a piece of paper for the accountant from the attorney stating that I am the executor of the estate so he can file Dad's taxes. I think the truth is that lawyers and accountants run the world. It's not the guys at the top, it's the ones in the middle. They could bring everything crashing down around our ears if they wanted to and no one could do anything about it.
OK. Now I have to do my taxes and call Minnesota Life or whatever they are called now...I think it's Securian Financial Group. Wish me luck or blessings or whatever you believe in. Fate maybe? That sounds too final. This year has been a real adventure in living. I like it to last a bit longer. Later.
Thursday, March 16, 2017
I'm Sick
I have some kind of respiratory thing going on. I think it's bronchitis, but I've had a low grade fever too - like 100.6 degrees. Anyway, I've been trying to work and heal up so I've not been putting out much in the way of writing. It's all very odd. I had a cold that I thought was over and last Friday everything started coming back, but this time with a fever. I even had a bout of diarrhea on Monday. It was over quickly. I suppose I could have the flu. Who knows?
Whatever the case, when I'm sick, I do not think as much, and so I do not write either. It might be good that I do not think so much. There are some that would appreciate that I suppose.
Sleep has been weird too. I get home I prepare dinner, I eat, I read and I go to bed. I will sleep about 4 hours and wake up. It's like I am rested and ready to go and it's only midnight. It's tough going back to sleep, but I usually manage a couple more hours.
I suppose I should go to the doctor. I have a nasty cough that produces big green things out of my lungs. It seems to be getting better, but I have coughed so much that I feel like I've been doing sit ups for three days. My abs are starting to show again! It might kill me, but I will leave a good lookin corpse...I am so funny.
I'm vacationing next week. Maybe I will go to the doctor if I do not improve. I am functional, but barely. I have many things I need to get done.
I will try to write again later today. My brain is churning a bit. We will see what happens.
Whatever the case, when I'm sick, I do not think as much, and so I do not write either. It might be good that I do not think so much. There are some that would appreciate that I suppose.
Sleep has been weird too. I get home I prepare dinner, I eat, I read and I go to bed. I will sleep about 4 hours and wake up. It's like I am rested and ready to go and it's only midnight. It's tough going back to sleep, but I usually manage a couple more hours.
I suppose I should go to the doctor. I have a nasty cough that produces big green things out of my lungs. It seems to be getting better, but I have coughed so much that I feel like I've been doing sit ups for three days. My abs are starting to show again! It might kill me, but I will leave a good lookin corpse...I am so funny.
I'm vacationing next week. Maybe I will go to the doctor if I do not improve. I am functional, but barely. I have many things I need to get done.
I will try to write again later today. My brain is churning a bit. We will see what happens.
Friday, March 10, 2017
On Accountability
There was a post and discussion over at the Your Other Brothers blog about accountability and how the concept really does not work as we do it in churches right now. After some reading and re-reading, I have come to agree...sort of. And I would encourage you to go read the post, "Accountability Doesn't Work", by Kevin Frye by clicking the link above. He makes some good points and after thinking about the people in my life that have acted to hold me accountable, I think his premise is right.
The over all purpose of accountability partnering is supposed to be to keep everyone pointed toward Christ and living our lives for His sake and in His Name. By developing relationship with Him and our brothers and sisters, we can replace the sin in our lives with love for Him and love and fellowship with our brethren. That's how it's supposed to work.
What seems to happen though, many times and not always, is that an accountability partner becomes our resident Pharisee. We will carry around our guilt and shame over a particular sin or bad habit or addictive behavior and then we will confess to this partner what we have done. They will help bring clarity to our muddled and sinful mind so we can get back on track through prayer and study of scripture. Then we are fine for a week or two, we lose our resolve and a cycle develops.
Sin, shame and guilt, confession, repentance, weakening and then sin again.
We try to battle sin with more works of the flesh. Use of self control and confession of sin is great for the soul, but if it does produce real change, it has failed to do what is intended by those actions and the result is many times a hardening of the heart toward the sin we are trying to escape. It actually becomes easier to be a sinner because we get numb to the sorrow, shame and guilt over time and confession becomes easier because of it.
So what has to happen to make accountability work the way it's supposed to?
How about if, instead of being accountability partners, we become friends bound together by Christ? How would that change the face of accountability in a church?
Someone (Mike) in the comments section to the post I referred to said that many times, our sin problem, whatever it may be, is due to an 'intimacy deficit' issue in our lives. Because we lack the intimacy of close friendship with our brethren and even with Jesus, we sin to fill the void in our hearts. Our sin becomes our 'go to' when we need to feel better. We may, for awhile, feel guilt or remorse after, but eventually we get hardened to it and settle for the cycle I mention above. This is especially true with addictive behaviors like substance abuse, illicit sex, masturbation and porn. Unless something greater supplants the comfort we get from our addictions and sins, we will never break free from the cycle. (Thanks Mike for your thoughts here.)
So what is the intimacy deficit. Is it not love? Is that not what is many times missing in our accountability efforts in a given church?
We cannot merely hold people accountable for their behavior. We have to be more than Pharisees with each other, trying to uphold the divine law with our own strength and study. It does not work. We must come together as friends, encouraging each other, forgiving each other and loving each other. We have to fill each other's intimacy void with the love of Christ. Bashing each other over the head with rules does not work. We have to become sensitive to each others needs, become more than acquaintances and be true friends in Christ.
Hebrews 3:12-14
12 See to it, brothers and sisters, that none of you has a sinful, unbelieving heart that turns away from the living God. 13 But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called “Today,” so that none of you may be hardened by sin’s deceitfulness. 14 We have come to share in Christ, if indeed we hold our original conviction firmly to the very end.
Hebrews 10:19-25
19 Therefore, brothers and sisters, since we have confidence to enter the Most Holy Place by the blood of Jesus, 20 by a new and living way opened for us through the curtain, that is, his body, 21 and since we have a great priest over the house of God, 22 let us draw near to God with a sincere heart and with the full assurance that faith brings, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water. 23 Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful. 24 And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, 25 not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.
Galatians 5: 13-18
13 You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh[a]; rather, serve one another humbly in love. 14 For the entire law is fulfilled in keeping this one command: “Love your neighbor as yourself.”[b] 15 If you bite and devour each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other.
16 So I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. 17 For the flesh desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the flesh. They are in conflict with each other, so that you are not to do whatever[c] you want. 18 But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law.
I Peter 1:22, 23
22 Now that you have purified yourselves by obeying the truth so that you have sincere love for each other, love one another deeply, from the heart.[b] 23 For you have been born again, not of perishable seed, but of imperishable, through the living and enduring word of God.
I John 4:17, 18
17 This is how love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment: In this world we are like Jesus. 18 There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.
So friends, knowing these things, lets love and encourage one another. Let's fill the intimacy deficit in each others lives with caring love for each other and for Jesus. There is no escape from the cycle of sin without it. We must know each other as we are known by Him. This is hard; harder for some than others, but if we wish to be successful in our walk with Christ, it is the only way we will become whole.
I have seen too many that get lost on the path and wander off the "ranch" to their own destruction because, while many were willing to tell them about avoiding sin, few or none were willing to come alongside them and walk with them as their friend, bringing them love and encouragement. So, instead they chose the path of death to fill their intimacy deficit. I ask you, who will be judged for that? Accountability without friendship and love does not work.
Let me close with this. There are people in my life that hold me accountable, but you know what? I barely notice that's what they are doing because they are my friends and they love me. They help me to fill that intimacy deficit in my life by loving me. I thank God for them daily. Y'all know who you are. Thanks for being my friends in Christ...I love you too.
Get yourself a friend at church, maybe someone that you have never spoken to. See what develops. Holiness could be closer than you think for both of you. Break the cycle together.
See ya Sunday!
The over all purpose of accountability partnering is supposed to be to keep everyone pointed toward Christ and living our lives for His sake and in His Name. By developing relationship with Him and our brothers and sisters, we can replace the sin in our lives with love for Him and love and fellowship with our brethren. That's how it's supposed to work.
What seems to happen though, many times and not always, is that an accountability partner becomes our resident Pharisee. We will carry around our guilt and shame over a particular sin or bad habit or addictive behavior and then we will confess to this partner what we have done. They will help bring clarity to our muddled and sinful mind so we can get back on track through prayer and study of scripture. Then we are fine for a week or two, we lose our resolve and a cycle develops.
Sin, shame and guilt, confession, repentance, weakening and then sin again.
We try to battle sin with more works of the flesh. Use of self control and confession of sin is great for the soul, but if it does produce real change, it has failed to do what is intended by those actions and the result is many times a hardening of the heart toward the sin we are trying to escape. It actually becomes easier to be a sinner because we get numb to the sorrow, shame and guilt over time and confession becomes easier because of it.
So what has to happen to make accountability work the way it's supposed to?
How about if, instead of being accountability partners, we become friends bound together by Christ? How would that change the face of accountability in a church?
Someone (Mike) in the comments section to the post I referred to said that many times, our sin problem, whatever it may be, is due to an 'intimacy deficit' issue in our lives. Because we lack the intimacy of close friendship with our brethren and even with Jesus, we sin to fill the void in our hearts. Our sin becomes our 'go to' when we need to feel better. We may, for awhile, feel guilt or remorse after, but eventually we get hardened to it and settle for the cycle I mention above. This is especially true with addictive behaviors like substance abuse, illicit sex, masturbation and porn. Unless something greater supplants the comfort we get from our addictions and sins, we will never break free from the cycle. (Thanks Mike for your thoughts here.)
So what is the intimacy deficit. Is it not love? Is that not what is many times missing in our accountability efforts in a given church?
We cannot merely hold people accountable for their behavior. We have to be more than Pharisees with each other, trying to uphold the divine law with our own strength and study. It does not work. We must come together as friends, encouraging each other, forgiving each other and loving each other. We have to fill each other's intimacy void with the love of Christ. Bashing each other over the head with rules does not work. We have to become sensitive to each others needs, become more than acquaintances and be true friends in Christ.
Hebrews 3:12-14
12 See to it, brothers and sisters, that none of you has a sinful, unbelieving heart that turns away from the living God. 13 But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called “Today,” so that none of you may be hardened by sin’s deceitfulness. 14 We have come to share in Christ, if indeed we hold our original conviction firmly to the very end.
Hebrews 10:19-25
19 Therefore, brothers and sisters, since we have confidence to enter the Most Holy Place by the blood of Jesus, 20 by a new and living way opened for us through the curtain, that is, his body, 21 and since we have a great priest over the house of God, 22 let us draw near to God with a sincere heart and with the full assurance that faith brings, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water. 23 Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful. 24 And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, 25 not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.
Galatians 5: 13-18
13 You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh[a]; rather, serve one another humbly in love. 14 For the entire law is fulfilled in keeping this one command: “Love your neighbor as yourself.”[b] 15 If you bite and devour each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other.
16 So I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. 17 For the flesh desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the flesh. They are in conflict with each other, so that you are not to do whatever[c] you want. 18 But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law.
I Peter 1:22, 23
22 Now that you have purified yourselves by obeying the truth so that you have sincere love for each other, love one another deeply, from the heart.[b] 23 For you have been born again, not of perishable seed, but of imperishable, through the living and enduring word of God.
I John 4:17, 18
17 This is how love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment: In this world we are like Jesus. 18 There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.
So friends, knowing these things, lets love and encourage one another. Let's fill the intimacy deficit in each others lives with caring love for each other and for Jesus. There is no escape from the cycle of sin without it. We must know each other as we are known by Him. This is hard; harder for some than others, but if we wish to be successful in our walk with Christ, it is the only way we will become whole.
I have seen too many that get lost on the path and wander off the "ranch" to their own destruction because, while many were willing to tell them about avoiding sin, few or none were willing to come alongside them and walk with them as their friend, bringing them love and encouragement. So, instead they chose the path of death to fill their intimacy deficit. I ask you, who will be judged for that? Accountability without friendship and love does not work.
Let me close with this. There are people in my life that hold me accountable, but you know what? I barely notice that's what they are doing because they are my friends and they love me. They help me to fill that intimacy deficit in my life by loving me. I thank God for them daily. Y'all know who you are. Thanks for being my friends in Christ...I love you too.
Get yourself a friend at church, maybe someone that you have never spoken to. See what develops. Holiness could be closer than you think for both of you. Break the cycle together.
See ya Sunday!
Tuesday, March 7, 2017
Thirteen Days Until Spring
We are getting close. Spring is at hand. I offer you evidence.
The little white flowers are snow drops. There is also the greenery of daffodils and hyacinth yet to come, but it will not be long.
I got my fishing license yesterday and did some fishing. I did not catch anything. I think the water is still too cold, but it was good to get out. There was also considerable insect activity and some small amphibians about. Canada geese seem to have paired off and other migratory birds seem to have arrived. The red winged black birds are back and I may have mentioned I saw bluebirds. Once the turkey vultures and orioles arrive, it should be time to start the mower...I am really looking forward to that. Ya, right.
Walleye is also back at Culver's. Had some yesterday. I might get some more today. I love me some deep fried walleye with fries. Mmmmmmm!
I think the animals sense the season change too. I captured two more raccoons; one on Sunday and one on Monday as pictured below. Forgot to set the trap last night. I doubt I'm done. You would think my owl would be feasting on these critters so I don't have to trap them and take them to Yellow Banks, but no. He would rather sit in a tree and hoot at me all night. Anyway, here are the coons.
I would like to relocate all my rodents and marsupials to Yellow Banks. I suppose they serve some purpose in creation. They just need to do it somewhere else and not under my deck. Someone said they were cute. You have no idea how crabby a raccoon or opossum can be. It might be why the owl prefers mice. They just don't struggle as much.
Daylight savings time arrives this weekend; Sunday morning, the 12th at 2:00 AM to be precise. We all 'spring forward' and lose an hour of sleep. My advice is to just reset your clocks on Saturday morning, the 11th, and act like that's the actual time, then you will go to bed an hour earlier and not notice the loss quite so much. These temporal anomalies can mess up your circadian rhythms if you're not careful. We are all diurnal beings and we all require a certain amount of sleep. Loss of an hour can have an impact that you pay for all the rest of the week. You say you will take a nap. That can mess things up too. Be careful. That's all I'm saying. You could find yourself in an alternate time line where you will be crabby all week. Do not let your 'spring forward' throw you into another reality. It can be hard to find your way back.
I have an official retirement date. We are looking at May 1, 2017.
So then what? We will see. Let the adventure begin.
The little white flowers are snow drops. There is also the greenery of daffodils and hyacinth yet to come, but it will not be long.
I got my fishing license yesterday and did some fishing. I did not catch anything. I think the water is still too cold, but it was good to get out. There was also considerable insect activity and some small amphibians about. Canada geese seem to have paired off and other migratory birds seem to have arrived. The red winged black birds are back and I may have mentioned I saw bluebirds. Once the turkey vultures and orioles arrive, it should be time to start the mower...I am really looking forward to that. Ya, right.
Walleye is also back at Culver's. Had some yesterday. I might get some more today. I love me some deep fried walleye with fries. Mmmmmmm!
I think the animals sense the season change too. I captured two more raccoons; one on Sunday and one on Monday as pictured below. Forgot to set the trap last night. I doubt I'm done. You would think my owl would be feasting on these critters so I don't have to trap them and take them to Yellow Banks, but no. He would rather sit in a tree and hoot at me all night. Anyway, here are the coons.
I would like to relocate all my rodents and marsupials to Yellow Banks. I suppose they serve some purpose in creation. They just need to do it somewhere else and not under my deck. Someone said they were cute. You have no idea how crabby a raccoon or opossum can be. It might be why the owl prefers mice. They just don't struggle as much.
Daylight savings time arrives this weekend; Sunday morning, the 12th at 2:00 AM to be precise. We all 'spring forward' and lose an hour of sleep. My advice is to just reset your clocks on Saturday morning, the 11th, and act like that's the actual time, then you will go to bed an hour earlier and not notice the loss quite so much. These temporal anomalies can mess up your circadian rhythms if you're not careful. We are all diurnal beings and we all require a certain amount of sleep. Loss of an hour can have an impact that you pay for all the rest of the week. You say you will take a nap. That can mess things up too. Be careful. That's all I'm saying. You could find yourself in an alternate time line where you will be crabby all week. Do not let your 'spring forward' throw you into another reality. It can be hard to find your way back.
I have an official retirement date. We are looking at May 1, 2017.
So then what? We will see. Let the adventure begin.
Sunday, March 5, 2017
Grief
Today at church I was approached by a brave young man that dared hand me a booklet about grief because of the recent loss of my father. He may have done so as part of a church program, but I still admire his courage at being willing to approach a battle weary, tired and somewhat cynical and surly old Christian about an issue that we must all deal with at one time or another.
My initial thought was, "oh great, another book. All my life people have been handing me books and pamphlets to help me solve my personal problems and issues. Here's another one to throw on the pile. It probably won't work either."
And you have no idea how true this is. My biggest life issues have been my battles with depression and my daily, even hourly, SSA temptations. My life has been one long fight with these things and with God over the solutions. More about that some other time....or maybe not.
Grief however, was never a major issue for me, either now or in the past, because I spent so much time trying to kill my feelings and emotions over the other two things. I may have needed to grieve many things, but I always tried to kill those emotions because I needed all my strength to fight more important things.
I have buried grandparents, aunts and uncles and even my Mom. I miss them all and I did grieve when they left me to go be with Jesus. I especially miss my Mom. That one hurt in many ways and one of them was the grief of what she left me with. Five years and nine months ago she left me with my father. Despite his insistence to the contrary, I knew he would never be able to live alone. He had dementia, he had epilepsy, he had a-fibrillation of the heart. Some call it congestive heart failure. He could not be trusted to take his meds or he would take them at the wrong time or he would take too much. He could not pay his own bills. He could not grocery shop. And there was not much he could cook for himself besides instant oatmeal and Stouffer's macaroni and cheese. So I moved in with him to help him with all those things while I continued to work full time.
It was a long and wearying road. His stubbornness and continuing mental decline was quite painful to watch and experience, but I had help from an unlikely place; someone else that my Mom had left to both of us. It was a little 40 lb Wheaten Terrier named Oliver. He was still a crazy puppy when Mom left us and he did not adjust well to her absence. He chewed up quite a bit of furniture before he fully matured and Dad wanted to get rid of him. I remember advising Dad at the time that he would need that dog and that's about how it happened. Oliver served to help Dad focus and keep him active. He came to love Oliver and Oliver loved him. I too loved the little dog.
It was my thought, after Dad died, that I would have Oliver to keep me company for many years. This was not to be. Two weeks before Dad died, Oliver got sick. When the vet saw the symptoms, he knew almost immediately that it was a genetic and inevitably fatal disease common to Wheatens. He tried to treat it, but his attempts failed. A week after Dad died, I had to have Oliver euthanized because he was suffering so much and getting progressively weaker. And so then I was alone.
The question remains, did I grieve? Or grieve properly? The answer I have will anger many and cause them to see me as an ungrateful child. Others will be sad for me. And a handful will understand what I am about to say.
I have mentioned this before. My father and I never had much of a relationship in our life together. It was always more like we were brothers in competition and not father and son. I did discover before he passed that I did love him. The quality of that love is strained though by the fact that I have been grieving for both of us long before Dad ever died.
I grieved and grieve the loss of what could have been. I have grieved because I never knew if he loved me. He would do things for me that fathers do, but we never talked. He was unable to express his feelings to me or toward me. It was like we were from two different planets by the time I was a teenager.
I was sad most of my early life because I wanted my Daddy back; the one the wrestled with me and tickled me when I was two, that taught me how to tie my shoes when I was three and brought me a half a gallon of chocolate milk from the place he worked.
I'm not sure when it happened or maybe I am and I don't want to talk about it, but there is something that separated us. A wall went up and by the time I was four years old, he was resenting me and I was not liking him very much either. I can't describe how that felt and I wish I knew why we could not fix it, but we never did.
I firmly believe this played a part in my other life issues; the depression and the SSA and all the other crap including a strained relationship with my heavenly Father; something He and I are only now working out. I hope we have more time before He takes me too.
All that brings me to this. It was in my mind after Mom died that this would be a time where Dad and I could work out our differences and I could be of help to him at the same time. It never really happened that way though. We did get closer, but he would always fight me when I tried to help him make rational decisions about things. I came to believe that he did develop a deeper appreciation for me before the end, but I am not sure of that. The bottom line is that's all a son ever wants from his father - approval and appreciation. It was never really forthcoming and it was all very frustrating and dissatisfying.
So my grief for Dad is over our lack of relationship and love and friendship. I have grief, but I also have guilt. I feel like I bear some responsibility for the failure and in some ways, I'm sure I do. But the thing I feel the most guilt and grief about is this.
I do not miss him. I am not sorry he is dead. I am relieved that he is gone.
It was all made worse when I realized after I lost Oliver that I missed him and wanted him back. I missed my dog, but not my Dad.
Talk about guilt and grief.
As my friend often says, "it is what it is."
I do not know if I can work through this in any satisfactory way. Dad and I are just a mess. I believe there was something messy about him before I was ever born. In some ways, his pain became mine.
Dennis and I are alike in many ways. Something I learned by living with him these last 5 years and nine months. We are both stubborn and refuse to admit when we are wrong.
I still may have time to correct this in my life with the help of the Lord. Maybe I can do it for both of us.
Anyway, thanks Tim for the book. Page 21 and 22 hit home. If they hadn't, none of this would have come out. I hope the boil has been lanced and healing can commence now. Let's see how it goes. Apparently I have three more books coming.
My initial thought was, "oh great, another book. All my life people have been handing me books and pamphlets to help me solve my personal problems and issues. Here's another one to throw on the pile. It probably won't work either."
And you have no idea how true this is. My biggest life issues have been my battles with depression and my daily, even hourly, SSA temptations. My life has been one long fight with these things and with God over the solutions. More about that some other time....or maybe not.
Grief however, was never a major issue for me, either now or in the past, because I spent so much time trying to kill my feelings and emotions over the other two things. I may have needed to grieve many things, but I always tried to kill those emotions because I needed all my strength to fight more important things.
I have buried grandparents, aunts and uncles and even my Mom. I miss them all and I did grieve when they left me to go be with Jesus. I especially miss my Mom. That one hurt in many ways and one of them was the grief of what she left me with. Five years and nine months ago she left me with my father. Despite his insistence to the contrary, I knew he would never be able to live alone. He had dementia, he had epilepsy, he had a-fibrillation of the heart. Some call it congestive heart failure. He could not be trusted to take his meds or he would take them at the wrong time or he would take too much. He could not pay his own bills. He could not grocery shop. And there was not much he could cook for himself besides instant oatmeal and Stouffer's macaroni and cheese. So I moved in with him to help him with all those things while I continued to work full time.
It was a long and wearying road. His stubbornness and continuing mental decline was quite painful to watch and experience, but I had help from an unlikely place; someone else that my Mom had left to both of us. It was a little 40 lb Wheaten Terrier named Oliver. He was still a crazy puppy when Mom left us and he did not adjust well to her absence. He chewed up quite a bit of furniture before he fully matured and Dad wanted to get rid of him. I remember advising Dad at the time that he would need that dog and that's about how it happened. Oliver served to help Dad focus and keep him active. He came to love Oliver and Oliver loved him. I too loved the little dog.
It was my thought, after Dad died, that I would have Oliver to keep me company for many years. This was not to be. Two weeks before Dad died, Oliver got sick. When the vet saw the symptoms, he knew almost immediately that it was a genetic and inevitably fatal disease common to Wheatens. He tried to treat it, but his attempts failed. A week after Dad died, I had to have Oliver euthanized because he was suffering so much and getting progressively weaker. And so then I was alone.
The question remains, did I grieve? Or grieve properly? The answer I have will anger many and cause them to see me as an ungrateful child. Others will be sad for me. And a handful will understand what I am about to say.
I have mentioned this before. My father and I never had much of a relationship in our life together. It was always more like we were brothers in competition and not father and son. I did discover before he passed that I did love him. The quality of that love is strained though by the fact that I have been grieving for both of us long before Dad ever died.
I grieved and grieve the loss of what could have been. I have grieved because I never knew if he loved me. He would do things for me that fathers do, but we never talked. He was unable to express his feelings to me or toward me. It was like we were from two different planets by the time I was a teenager.
I was sad most of my early life because I wanted my Daddy back; the one the wrestled with me and tickled me when I was two, that taught me how to tie my shoes when I was three and brought me a half a gallon of chocolate milk from the place he worked.
I'm not sure when it happened or maybe I am and I don't want to talk about it, but there is something that separated us. A wall went up and by the time I was four years old, he was resenting me and I was not liking him very much either. I can't describe how that felt and I wish I knew why we could not fix it, but we never did.
I firmly believe this played a part in my other life issues; the depression and the SSA and all the other crap including a strained relationship with my heavenly Father; something He and I are only now working out. I hope we have more time before He takes me too.
All that brings me to this. It was in my mind after Mom died that this would be a time where Dad and I could work out our differences and I could be of help to him at the same time. It never really happened that way though. We did get closer, but he would always fight me when I tried to help him make rational decisions about things. I came to believe that he did develop a deeper appreciation for me before the end, but I am not sure of that. The bottom line is that's all a son ever wants from his father - approval and appreciation. It was never really forthcoming and it was all very frustrating and dissatisfying.
So my grief for Dad is over our lack of relationship and love and friendship. I have grief, but I also have guilt. I feel like I bear some responsibility for the failure and in some ways, I'm sure I do. But the thing I feel the most guilt and grief about is this.
I do not miss him. I am not sorry he is dead. I am relieved that he is gone.
It was all made worse when I realized after I lost Oliver that I missed him and wanted him back. I missed my dog, but not my Dad.
Talk about guilt and grief.
As my friend often says, "it is what it is."
I do not know if I can work through this in any satisfactory way. Dad and I are just a mess. I believe there was something messy about him before I was ever born. In some ways, his pain became mine.
Dennis and I are alike in many ways. Something I learned by living with him these last 5 years and nine months. We are both stubborn and refuse to admit when we are wrong.
I still may have time to correct this in my life with the help of the Lord. Maybe I can do it for both of us.
Anyway, thanks Tim for the book. Page 21 and 22 hit home. If they hadn't, none of this would have come out. I hope the boil has been lanced and healing can commence now. Let's see how it goes. Apparently I have three more books coming.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)