Queezy Blog Reading

Some of you were probably made uncomfortable by my last two posts to this blog. It's OK. You will be all right. So will I for that matter. This is a place, in case  you did not notice, where I overturn the rocks in my backyard to see what's under them. Sometimes what's under those rocks is disturbing or unpleasant. Other times, it makes for queezie moments. There are also the 'aha' moments. That's what I use this space for.

For what it's worth, I did try to edit the previous posts, but there was very little I wanted to take out, so I re-posted them this morning. If they show up in you email again tomorrow morning, I apologize.

A friend at church said he often thought or thought about some of the more unseemly things I write, but it never occurred to him to put it down in writing on the internet where everyone could see it. For him, there are some things better left unsaid. Another friend of mine thought that maybe I was being too transparent, oversharing on the blog as it were. Apparently she thought people would be put off by it. OK. I can accept that. Maybe those of you that feel that way need to click on to the next thing that makes you feel differently than I make you feel. It's not necessarily my job to make you feel good. I will probably write things from time to time that will do that for you, but you will not get a steady dose of 'feel good' posts here. I would apologize, but I am not sorry for that. Anyway...

All of those things may be true.

I have reached that point in my life where what people think of me is secondary. I just want to clear my slate of all of life's graffiti and move on. Some of the graffiti remains though. It is indelibly etched into the slate. I write about those things occasionally too. Again, it will be OK.

Stuff builds up in my mind. I am running out of space to store it all, and frankly, I don't want it in my head anymore, so I put it here.

When I was younger, I would have flashbacks about all the stupid moments in my life. This would usually occur during depressive episodes or even cause them. What I found was that if I wrote about them, the pain of those moments would subside. So I would journal. This was before computers of course. Then one day in 2006 I decided to build a blog. My earliest blogging efforts have disappeared because I deleted two early versions of The Daily Ground Hog, my original blog. I also destroyed the early journals. The third incarnation of The Daily Ground Hog still exists if you look for it.

I wish I had it all back now because I am not feeling the way I did then. Slowly I have been putting everything out there and exposing it to the Light. The depressive episodes are infrequent now. The flashbacks are nonexistent.

So I write. I spill personal crap that makes everyone do whatever when they read it. It's a sort of graph of my moods. I had no idea how moody I was until I started writing it all down. I used to think I was Vulcan-like, emotionless, unfeeling. Turns out that I am an upheaval of emotional desperation. It still feels fairly controlled, but now I vent when needed. That's all. That's all this is. Me venting.

Occasionally what I write is not self serving. I get useful tidbits for others down in writing. That's usually an accident. Most of the time what is here is just what I am thinking about something or feeling about something. I am not purpose driven in my writing. There is no agenda other than creating a place for me to unload.

So if you are uncomfortable reading my stuff, imagine how I felt before I got it out of my system.

My advice? Stop bottling up what's inside you. Find a way to get it out that does not cost thousands in counseling fees or even attorney fees. Write it down. Get it out of your system. Get a blog. Send me a link. I want to commiserate with you. See you on the net!