Yesterday I wrote to you about certain pugilistic endeavors from my youth. I would like to say here and now that I am not physically violent as a general rule. It is not part of my process. The three incidents I focused on yesterday were the only fights I have ever been in. At the risk of seeming to defend my behavior, I was stressed in each situation personally and internally and so when more stress came from the outside, I popped in each case.
Today I am more refined; more civilized in my approach. I reason. I blog. I fight with words. Sometimes it is to no effect and other times it will bring people around to my point of view. It's not necessary to bring the physical hurt on them and indeed, sometimes that is not possible. The third and final fight of my life would indicate that tilting at windmills brings no vengeful satisfaction.
Strangely though, it did bring some peace. While the young man that becalmed me that day did not become my friend, he always spoke to me after the incident. He acknowledged me. There was some respect. I appreciated that more than he ever knew.
And that's kind of the way it goes with me. All I want is a little respect. I want people to listen to what I have to say and consider it. Is this because I am self important? Do I have a messiah complex? Am I a narcissist? Possibly. I do tend to think I have the answer, that I am right, that the truth resides in my words. Someday maybe we can talk about this more. It's my burden, and yes, I know sometimes it gets inflicted on others with problematic results. I do apologize if that's what I did to you. If you gave me a fair hearing and I continued to bully you, I'm sorry.
That is not what I wanted to talk about today.
It can be difficult for another man to be my friend. The degree of difficulty increases if the other man knows that I am SSA - same sex attracted. Experience has taught me that if the man knew me prior to knowing of my SSA status, the chances are good that the relationship will continue successfully. They know me already. New knowledge of my SSA status becomes irrelevant because they know I am the same man they have known for years with one added fact. Sometimes there are questions and some pretty silly ones at that, but it usually works out. They do not fear being my friend.
These need to be warned though. I do not process affection like other men. I sometimes will get too attached. It's a hazard. If you find I am backing away from physical contact, there is a reason for that. I cannot allow myself to become to enmeshed in the friendship in that way. I know that sounds awful and it is very painful for me, but I have to do it. Just know I love you enough not to put you through one of my man crushes. At 59, I am too old to put myself through it.
Still, other guys have a problem with me. When I went from being the smart, quiet guy at church to being the smart, quiet, gay, celibate guy at church - some straight men stopped talking to me. They would not engage in any lengthy conversation with me beyond the niceties of polite greetings. I have not experienced much of this, but it is there.
Then there are the women. Being a single guy all of my adult life, women have been leery of me. The single ones felt pressure to take up with me...not from me..but from other well intentioned Christian married types. The married women did not want to talk to me at length either. Perhaps they thought their speech would some how entice me to lust or that taking up with an unmarried man might somehow make them look bad. I do not know. I just know that now, in my confessed SSA state, the women at church no longer fear talking to me. In fact, many of them are becoming my friends. The single women at church now feel free to be my friend too. It seems that my coming out gave them a sense of freedom to associate. No pressure to date me or marry me. I am sorry you ever felt that. It has been good though to spend time with you all. My Angels in particular! Thanks much for your friendship.
Then there are the other SSA's at church, Yes, I know you thought I was the only one. That would be wrong. There are a few of us. Strangely, only one of them talks to me regularly. He is safely in his closet though. No one would believe that inside he is much like me. The others...well there might be a greeting, but not much else. They can't really associate with me since I'm out. It might imply something about themselves to everyone else...even though for some of you, it's kind of obvious. That's not an insult. You know what I'm talking about. For the record guys, I am not dangerous. I am not a predator. I will not try to date you or expose you. If there is anyone at church that understands you, it is me. That's all I'm saying. And if behavior and acting out is an issue for you, I will not condemn you other than to say 'go thy way and sin no more'. I know how hard it is guys. I have been there and been through it. If you need to talk, we can. There is no reason to fear me.
So what about me? How do I relate in the straight world and in a predominantly straight church. I am finding more and more that in the world no one cares what my inclinations are. In the church it is different. People care. They want to know that I am living as Christ would have me live. I understand this. I do not want the leadership or the membership in my church to be liars, coveters or adulterers. I do not want them to be legalistic haters either. I want to know that they are being as Christlike as possible given who they are. I believe this is the case at my church. I know that even if they do not express it or even talk to me, they care about me and my status before God. This is a big deal and I appreciate it.
Well, I had an interesting one way conversation today. I hope I did not offend anyone. It would be interesting to hear your perspective. I know some of you are loathe to speak in the comments because someone else might read it. Piffle. Do it anyway. Use a pseudonym. You could also just approach me at church...yes, that's possible. Fear not, for low, I am with you always, even unto the end of my age!
I am so funny.
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Be Gentle.