We had our annual outdoor church service today. By all accounts it was very good. Red Roots lead the song service, apparently held over from the concert that followed the annual meat smoking competition on Saturday.
The sermon, however, was unusually good. Our new worship team leader spoke and his skills amazed me. If it did not effect the rest of the Body in the same manner, I would be surprised. I am known to be quite critical of preachers as a former 'wanna be'. I will cut them some slack the first time out, but Tim, you needed no slack. It was more than professional. I felt like you were talking to me, even though we were outdoors with hundreds of others.
And I guess maybe you were. I have never given God thanks for my weakness as you suggested I do today. I blamed Him for it. I got mad at Him about it. I let it keep me from doing things I could probably be doing. All because, even though everybody knows what my weakness is, I am still ashamed and I feel that people look at me and walk away thinking about what could have been if I had just been like everyone else.
I am not and never will be like all of you. I am sorry if that diminishes who I am as a Christian person in your eyes. I am not pleased with it either. I have asked God to fix this since before I was a teenager. It was not happening and at almost 60 years old, I doubt it will. I used to think He hated me. I have since come to believe He tolerates me with exceptions. I do not understand Him. There is much in my skills repertoire that could have been useful to Him. Instead, He just gave me a lifetime fight that requires every ounce of my will and has destroyed all my emotions.
Why would I thank Him for that? To what purpose was I supposed to use my "weakness"? It has kept me humble, or at least as humble as I can be...I am a bit self absorbed sometimes.
But again, would I be so self absorbed if I did not always have to fight this battle?
I don't know.
Anyway Tim, you made me think. That is no minor achievement. I will consider giving thanks for my weakness. It just seems so inappropriate.
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Be Gentle.