Sublimating Desire

Us celibate gay Christians spend a great deal of time keeping our Tupperware tightly closed and locked. We have to. Since we believe that we are called not to be who we are in the flesh, it is necessary to repress and sublimate our same sexual desires on a continual basis. The result of pushing down all this desire is not always good. It can lead to a lot of pain, depression, loneliness and sadness; even sin of other kinds.

Many of us think that if we just had the right amount of nonsexual love and care from our straight brethren, it would all be more tolerable and doing celibacy would be a breeze. Some of us even think that if we can desexualize the way we view men, it may even cure our longings. This has not been my experience. I still want a buddy I can cuddle up with at the end of the day.

Yes, I know it's not how things are supposed to be. Yes, I know it's not what God intended.

So I have to ask, Lord, what did you intend with me? Surely it was not to be constantly distracted by unfulfilled desire. Lord, you know that celibacy is not my gift. Nevertheless, it's necessary for me if I have any hope of maintaining relationship and fellowship with You and Your people now and through eternity.

Why is such a struggle necessary? What am I supposed to glean from this battle that will make me a better man or help others? I'm not seeing it. Am I blind? Well, probably. Is it any wonder that I get irritated, cranky, cynical and any other adjectives You care to add?

Lord, I am broken. You promised new life. You said, "Deny Yourself..". I have.

I appreciate the notion that Your power is perfected in weakness and that You love showing me Your grace, but wouldn't it be better for both of us if I was not so dependent on that grace? I'm just thinking out loud here as usual.

Why, at almost 60 years of age, do I not understand You any better than I did when I was 14?

Someone said awhile back that I should give thanks for my weakness. OK. Here it is. Lord, I am thankful that you love me, even though I seem permanently bent in this way. I'm not sure why I have to be forever poked by this thorn in my flesh, but I'm sure you have your reasons. I would say it's unfair, but when I read Your word, I discover that I do not understand what 'fair' is. You asked Your own Son to give up the glory of heaven and come here to sacrifice Himself for us. I'm not sure how you could do that, but you did. It was not fair in human terms either. I am sorry you had to do it. I suppose that being queer has given me a perspective that others do not enjoy. I have more empathy for sinners because of it. I understand what it is to be driven by a desire so strong that it can destroy. So Lord, thanks for making me gay. (That was very hard to say.) I will continue to do what I can with it. In the meantime, if you wanted to supply me with a fellow traveler, it would be great.