Stalking Jesus

In retirement one has more time to think. As someone who spends too much time thinking anyway, this is not necessarily good; but it can also bring clarity to what were once clouded issues. I have been thinking about Jesus and wondering if He considers me a follower or merely a stalker.

I was reminded of a Don Miller quote that I read on another blog about a similar issue.

"My friend Bob Goff says when we study somebody without getting to know them, it’s called stalking. Bob says Jesus is getting creeped out that we keep stalking him. He’d like us to bond with him in the doing."

I have been asking myself over and over, am I stalking Jesus or am I trying to bond with Him?

Let me tell you, I know a lot about Jesus. I know where He likes to hang out, what kind of people He attracts and even where He likes to go for dinner. When I read the gospels, especially John, I always feel like I'm right there in the crowd, amazed by His words and actions. I feel His pain and disgust with the complacency of His own people. I feel His joy when He makes the light bulb go on for someone that did not get it. I love to watch Him work the crowds and speak the truth, putting people on the spot for practicing faithless religion.

Even so, I seem to be afraid to approach Him, even now in my old age, to get to know Him better, bonding with Him in doing....yes, doing, what He would like me to do with Him. I don't even have a clue what that doing would involve.

So why am I afraid to approach Him? I can hardly pray anymore. In some ways, it's like an unfulfilled man crush. I want Him in my life, but I fear the emotional dependence that is inevitable. I also worry that He will dessert me if I fall down while doing whatever it is he wants to do with me.

Why can't I trust Him? Odd that. As I sit parked outside of heaven waiting for a glimpse of my man Jesus, I feel like some kind of window peaker. I just need to go inside and say, "I'm here. Let's do this."

I was baptized when I was 14 years old and I remember thinking at the time, "now what?". Most people get all emotional and buzzed up on Jesus when they do the dip. I was skeptical from the start. It's like my baptism didn't take. A friend offered a couple of times to re dip me. I'm sure his intentions were good and He just wanted me to feel better about myself, and really, that not a good reason to do it.

I think I need a relationship reset with Him. A re baptism might help me with that. In my mind though, I keep thinking, there are no do overs. Getting wet will not make a difference. Getting banged up with Him in some kind of service might. So Here it is.

Lord, what do you want me to do? I've passed on several opportunities this spring to do some kind of service out of fear, mostly fear of failure. That and laziness I suppose. Have I maybe done whatever it was you wanted me to do? I suppose that's possible. A long time ago you deputized me to work in your Kingdom. I feel like I've spent most of that time living off of spiritual welfare. Give me eyes to see what it is that needs done and we will do it together. I think I know. I just don't feel like carrying a cross there. It scares me. Yes, even if you are there with me. I'm not the brightest bulb in your package so it will have to be a moment of clarity like no other. Lord, as you are aware, I am no 'spring chicken'. I think we need to know each other a bit better before I show up in paradise. Time is a wasting as they say. Please forgive me for stalking you. Help me to love you in person and not just from a far away place. I have loved the idea of You. Now I want to love You. Please be mine before someone else lures me away. Thanks for what You've done for me. It's been a long strange trip and I would like to see some purpose to it when it ends. I'm sure You would too.

In Your Name...Amen