Yesterday's Post

I was taking a gander at what came out of my fingers yesterday and contemplating again my fantasy year long vacation. I really must be tired of my current life. And it's true.; I am so sick of being responsible and that sickness also brings guilt with it when it involves others like Dad. I know I can't go now, but like some men I have fixated on in my life, it comforts me to think about it.

It's odd how freedom is elusive, even when we live in a free society. If we embrace responsibility with that freedom, then that freedom gets a revision, a postponement, a forward thinking, self sacrificing delay in it's actualization. Responsibility in a free society is an act of love for your neighbor, your family, your friends. It is you saying to the world, "Because I respect you, I will not do this or behave like that or be a self centered jerk. Instead, I will serve as others have served me"

Yesterday I wanted to be absolved of my responsibilities. I wanted to be me at 22 years old again. Ya know, there are things I liked about me at 22. I was more willing to take risks back then and some of them pretty stupid risks. I kind of wish I was that way again. And I have been taking risks with people, sharing who I am, even if they did not want to know. But in those days, I was willing to do things that could have changed my life forever. Fortunately they did not, but that's another story for another time.

I'm still thinking I need my year of living dangerously (to borrow a book title). I should just dial it back a bit maybe. This is going to require more thought. If something happens that makes My Year impossible, so be it. I just need to be a bit careful.    

As a side note, I am sitting in the grocery store parking lot and there is one of the bag boys bringing in carts. He is not happy about it. He is walking up and down the parking lot muttering to himself as he is the gathering carts. I am detecting some snottiness in his words, not because I can hear them, but by the expression on his face. He's kind of cute when he's mad, but he is learning responsibility, learning to delay gratification and make some money at the same time.

That process gets tiresome. I am sick of delaying gratification. I want to be free.

I'm a bit deluded right now, so I will go grocery shopping. Why? Because I'm so damned responsible and I want to look at the cart guy some more. Ya, I know. No gratification for me there at all. Even so, he looks like he would be a lot of fun. Gotta go...see ya tomorrow right?