Four Questions

Tom Hughes at Relevant Magazine wrote an article entitled, "4 Questions That Will Deepen Your Understanding of God". He begins the article by talking about how many questions Jesus was asked during His ministry and by how many questions He asked others. Jesus participated in theses Socratic discussions with the hope of helping His people understand His Father.

In that spirit, Tom asks four questions designed to help us contemplate our Creator, to better grock His intentions for us, His followers. I thought I would try today to hash out how I would answer these questions. I thought it might be interesting, given who I am in the Body. I am no ordinary believer. This is not to say I am a super disciple. I am not. As I contemplate these questions, I find I'm a bit of a mess, but I also see how blessed and graced I am. It's all a bit humbling.

1. What am I looking for?

Ya, what? As an SSA, celibate man that is also a Christ follower, I find my flesh is continually distracted by men. I do not voluntarily 'look'; it just seems to 'naturally' happen. Resistance is a daily, sometimes hourly activity. I can't help it. I really can't. I just love you guys. Men are the most amazing things that God ever created in my opinion. Strangely, the God that created me, and men in general, has advised that same sex sexual activity is verboten. I get this intellectually and even spiritually, but my flesh seems hard wired in that SSA way. And more self denial creates sometimes, more desire. My question to Him is, why did You make me this way? My brethren assure me that He did not. I believe He did. See Romans 9.

I still do not know why I am what I am, but having said all that, I know what I am really looking for and it is not men.

I want peace. Peace from the desire. Peace from the urge to love in ungodly ways. Peace from the persecutions that emerge from spiritually dirty places. I want to relax and enjoy the company of men without the desire to cuddle them and take them home with me. I need to get it out of the way. It sometimes stands between He and I in very negative ways. Even though I am not acting out, I just want to hide from Him sometimes because I am so ashamed of what goes on in my mind. What I really want is peace with Him. Perhaps I am looking to be worthy of His love. I know that none of us are there and I know He loves me, but like any child, I just want my Dad to be proud of me.

2. Is There Anything About Jesus and His Teachings That Offends Me?

Funny you should ask. Yes. I think it's His sense of fairness. The divine idea of what is fair in life is very different from the human sense of fairness. Our sense of fairness tends to rise from a selfish point of view. I get that. I really do, but why would I not be concerned about why Joe Christian has a perfect life with 2.3 children, a wife and a good job and absolutely no spiritual questions. Why would I not think, "why does he get this life and why do I get mine which is a constant turmoil in spiritual terms?"

Yes, I know it was not fair that Jesus had to give up heaven and come here to suffer with us and for us. But He is God. He knew before the beginning what it was going to take and He did it anyway. I just want to understand it. Why do I get to be gay? I don't want to be gay. Really I don't. It's just too hard. Even a gay nonbeliever will tell you that. But it is what it is right? This is what I have been given. It offends me, but it is what it is. I just have to embrace the suckage and rely on His grace...and maybe that's the point huh? I don't know. I do know that it's the one thing between us that we argue about. I'm sure He is tired of it...but so am I. He was a man once and He has seen the pain here first hand. How could He not know...I know I've told Him about it.        

3. Can My Baggage Be Used For Something Better?

This is where I am at right now. How do I use what has been given me to serve God? Can I channel this SSA thing into something positive? I would like to be able to help others like me. I would like to be able to work with men in ministry sorts of ways without my own problems getting in the way. I am not sure that this is supposed to happen. I would be a wounded healer in recovery trying to help other wounded warriors. I would need to be stronger than I am now, I think, to make this work. Then again, maybe I just need to rely more on His grace to make me stronger. It scares me.

4. How Was God Present With Me Today?

I think this is the easiest question. I feel His presence everyday and all the time. Even when my mind is in the gutter, even if I'm on some kind of spiritual high. I know He is always with me. I catch myself talking to Him at odd times. I have come to believe He puts ideas in my head.  He is always with me. I sense Him when I'm angry, thankful, tempted, sinning, happy, sad and whatever. I cannot hide from Him. I have tried. This is how I know. I feel His presence. He is trying so hard to make sure that I make it. What more could I ask for? Even so I do ask.
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In summation, I would have to say that I was 'equipped' as I am because it was the only way that I would become dependent on Him. It's that dependence that draws us close, even when I question Him, and it's the same dependence that allows Him to question me. And somebody needs to do that. Really. Someone needs to do it.

The bottom line is that I love Him and I could not live this life without Him. He is worth everything I have had to give up and much more. Thanks Lord for being my Abba.