A Prayer of Frustration

Lord  when we talk it's always the same
Thanks for this and for that, and so glad that you came
Please help me, please fix me, please make me all right
I just need me some peace so I can sleep tight

It's peace that I'm after and not so much stuff
A quieted mind without all the fluff
I stress about life with it's miseries
I just want to scream when I fall to my knees

Lord I can take much with regard to the pain
In my heart you rule, in my mind you do reign
 But I'm still confused by the whys and the hows
And your purpose perplexes, makes me say 'holy cow'

Why did you bless me with desires in my flesh
That bring condemnation and create such a mess
And who do I blame if it was not You?
It was surely not me that brewed such bad stew

I will accept blame when control is my lack
I will own my behavior, It's mine to attack
But where comes the desire that I did not ask for
Is my flesh bent from Man's fall to the floor?

That my life should be strict, this I can accept
To not act on vile urges, this You can expect
But the urges themselves, from whence do they come?
They seem right to me, but the Word says that's dumb

If I live my life as seems to me normal
Then I go to hell and that will be horrible
So love is denied me in the physical sense
A touch-less lifetime at sex's expense

To not know another as normal folks do
To live life alone when alone just won't do
It makes me angry and it makes me so sad
It makes me blame you Lord and that makes you mad

I'm sorry to blame you, I know it's not right
But I'm not right either and so thus I fight
To fight with my God, How stupid this be?
I lose everytime and You laugh much at me

Is this anyway to relationship make?
I guess it's a start if my soul You would take
Seems I start with a fight and I end with a whimper
Cause I need Your love without all the temper

You are my Abba, there's no way around it
That I don't understand You, that's what confounds it
I want to know You and I want to know why
I want You to fix it, but You only sigh

I know your love cost You and that it saved me
I know I am not as You'd have me to be
But I know too that I did not choose this
My thorn in my flesh is what makes me diss

You say sin is sin, that it's all just rebellion
And I try very hard not to be such a hellion
But when they are bent, these urges most primal
I'm so ashamed for it's sin in the Bible

To be like me, to want the unnatural
All hope becomes lost, condemnation is actual
I want what I want and that it be right
But you say that it's not and that makes me uptight

Finding reason and ration for why these things are
Has drawn us closer from times we were far
If this is Your point and Your purpose be this
Was there not some way other - other than this?

You say, "who are you boy to question your Lord"
I say, "I'm just asking, please sheath the sword"
Of clay I am made by Your Potter's hand
A vessel with purpose your design surely stand

What was it You wanted when you made me?
A vessel of wrath, my destruction soon be?
Or was something noble your plan and design?
In the hearth, in the kiln with great heat refined?

I hope that last bit is what you intend
And that you somehow can make my will bend
To go through this life with love unrequited or
To end this life in hell just to be spitted

This I would ask, that not be your plan
Please help me to deal and to not want a man
If need be, please take me, please show me how
To lose sex's desire and to lose it all now

It's too late by this time for me to go straight
But to go forward now it's still not too late
To be neutered at this point would not matter to me
It would simplify life so free I could be

Just take this thing; just take it from me
Burn it in fire so  no one can see
All the blame and the pain  and reproach on myself,
The guilt and the shame and the sinning in stealth,
The fear for my life and my spiritual health,
I would have it end now, if it takes all my wealth

I'm bored by it all -I just want it over
Let it end with us being just that much more closer
Take me your vessel, and now fill me up
Wash me clean of the poison, make me your favorite cup
There on Your table by Your throne I would sit
I would bask in your power as You keep heaven lit

So do not despise me when my thoughts wander
Please allow me some grace and some mercy to ponder
Let me feel your presence residing in me
Empower me now so I can be free

Thanks for loving and listening and being my Lord
I long for the day when I'll be restored
But for now I'll be happy to be your cup broken
With the cracks and the chips and not just some token.