An Attitude Adjustment

 I have mentioned this before. When I came out last year, there was more than just an old queer in  that closet. Boxes of anger and hate and pride and envy and snottiness and desire came tumbling out too. Indeed, in some respects, it seems like those things were worse than what I thought was the main thing - homosexuality.

I had gotten to a place in my life where I thought those things were gone or at least controlled. I now know that was not the case. I had spent my life repressing the more negative emotional parts of my personality along with my sexual desire. Also repressed were love, affection, sympathy and empathy. It's hard to release even one of those positive emotions without the other nasty stuff bubbling to the top eventually. Better to be dry and as emotionless as possible than a mass of oozing, hand ringing feelings that leave one perpetually disturbed.

I have been thinking lately that I want to put it all back in the closet, that I want life to go back to how I was before, when I was neither naughty nor nice. I guess I was icy. That would be the best description. Whatever. There was peace on the outside; nevermind the mess on the inside.

However, putting all that stuff back in the closet is problematic in the extreme. It's out now. People have actually seen it and felt it. You have seen it. I am sorry I have exposed you to it or even inflicted it on you. You deserve better than that from me.

So....I have to find a way to shift this load of negativity and desire that I am enjoying without losing the positive side of being out of the closet and free from the self imposed emotional repression.

I do not want to go back into isolation, but letting things loose is not the answer either.

I need an attitude adjustment. I do not know how to get there. What do I do with all this pain and anger I have been collecting? I can't just dump it on people as I have been and expect them to understand why I'm such a mess.

Lord, please help me shift the boxes from my closet. Please take them somewhere and destroy them. I cannot do this myself Lord. Please make the outcome a positive thing for me and for those around me. Let the last years of my life be useful and enjoyable for others and You. Thanks Lord. Amen.