A New Age

The guard is changing at my church. A new age and a new era is upon us and actual transition will happen this weekend. After a long refractory period with a transitional pastor who was part of the original staff, we have recovered from a church split. We are not in perfect health, but we are up and around and taking nourishment. Now it is time for this transitional pastor to retire. He seems to be looking forward to it and, even more oddly, he will be sticking around as a church member. We are not displeased with this. His party is this weekend. While I will not be in attendance, I wish him the best and since he is not really leaving, I'm sure he will be back in the pulpit at some point filling in for current staff.

Current staff consists of 3 pastors and various admin people. The one moving into the lead position has been with us for just over three years. As pastors go, he is an odd duck. He likes the occasional adult beverage, enjoys smoking a pipe and skinning dead things. He is a hunter and fisherman. He is all about transparency, openness and honesty. His thing is getting into the middle of your life and bringing everyone else with him.

I kind of hate it sometimes, maybe, mostly, not at all.

He is not a bad guy. His preaching and teaching skills are excellent. He interacts well with the rank and file at church and also the leadership. For some reason though, I just cannot bring myself to trust him as I should, especially since he is also my friend.. This is odd because I have trusted him with so many things. This may be what I am upset about. I am sorry I trusted him. Really? Is that true? I do not feel betrayed, only stupid. I think that the things I have trusted him with probably should have been left alone at this point. The result has not been good for me from my current perspective.

I hope that no one else at church experiences this with him. I am probably kind of unique among his problem children and so maybe it's just me. It probably is just me.

I am having buyer's remorse with regard to my recent self outing. I am wishing I had never done it. There was much more than just an old faggot in that closet. There were boxes of hate and anger and envy in there and I think even some alternate identities. Turns out the old faggot is also a real bitch sometimes too. I absolutely hate him and 'him' is me.

I keep wondering why I thought I had to do it. No one really wanted to see all that ugliness. It would be one thing if it all just went away when exposed to the light shining through the open door. It did not. It was like letting out a rabid, horny dog.

Lord, was this really Your will? Did You want this or was it a mistake? I really need to pay better attention. Maybe You need to be more direct with me? I am sorry. I will do what I can to calm my personal monsters, but they are out now and I am losing control of them.You need to take over. If You don't, there is going to be trouble because right now, I am a mess. I know, from your perspective, that has always been the case, but you know what I mean. In the past, the monsters were contained...now...not so much.

In the meantime, please bless Dave as he steps down and keep an eye on the newbies. I am sure they will be fine all will be well. Please let them be a blessing to our church and not a problem.