Odd Jeff Stuff

All right. I'm having some odd behaviors that might be worth discussion. Perhaps they are not odd, given my current life situation. That remains to be seen I suppose. I am in the place now where I really hate to go home at night. By that, I mean I do not like to be in my Mom and Dad's house. The place creeps me out. It's full of their stuff and rearranging the furniture just ain't cuttin' it.

I get up in the morning and I cannot get out of the house fast enough. I want to go somewhere and be where people are. I do not necessarily want to interact with them, but I want to be where they are and not alone in this house where my parents spent their final days. It is not my home. I could tear the house down and build my own place and their ghosts would still be here, nagging me to mow the lawn or weed the flower beds.

I do not want to live that way. I cannot believe it has taken me this long to figure it out. How did I ever think I wanted to live the way they did? I have never been big on owning property. I always thought it was kind of foolish, despite advice that it was a good investment. Being a slave to the upkeep of a place like this is more than I can handle.  I suppose I could hire it done and the thought of having a 28 year old out working in the yard without his shirt has it's appeal, but seriously, I would have to be delusional to think that would make it all worth the cost of property taxes,.

I have this urge to run away from all this; to hit the road and not come back until I figure out what's next. There are things to see after all and most all of it is outside of Iowa. I love Iowa, but even mild winters here are awful in my opinion. I guess it's good I do not live in Minnesota or North Dakota.

I also told someone on a website I frequent to "suck it up buttercup" when life's tensions start to get you down. The posting was about whether it was OK for men to cry. It was my thought that there was a time and a place for it, but that we shouldn't be crying because we were stressed out by life. I mean life is stressful right? Having a crying jag every time it gets tough will not fix things. Knowing when to cry separates the little boys from the men...in my opinion.

I guess it all means that I am just getting old. I have lived through some tough and stressful times and tears did not help me. We have to gird our loins and get down to the business of living. Emotionality and focus on self prevents that. Am I right? No? Suck it up buttercup :^)

So anyway, I am not welcome there anymore. I have to say that I have just about had it with the special snowflakes of this world that get offended at the drop of a hat. I will not walk on egg shells out of fear that I might make someone feel bad. People make me feel bad frequently. I just deal with it. I'm not sure why everyone else cannot do the same. It's called tolerance, but apparently that's a one way street.

My spiritual issues are still not cleared up. I'm sure it's my fault. Most everything else is.

I also find I am trusting people less and that ain't good given the fact that I did not trust them all that much anyway.

I am in a place where I want to be with people, but I do not want to talk to them or interact with them. I just want to observe them. This may be tied into my personality type or it may be part of some mental disease that I have not yet found a name for.

My personality type, according to the Meyers-Briggs test is INTJ. There is another test call the Enneagram. I do not know a great deal about it other than there are 9 personality types and I am a Type One .  Apparently us Type One's are close to nuts. Here's the breakdown.

Type One—Levels of Development

Healthy Levels

Level 1 (At Their Best): Become extraordinarily wise and discerning. By accepting what is, they become transcendentally realistic, knowing the best action to take in each moment. Humane, inspiring, and hopeful: the truth will be heard.

Level 2: Conscientious with strong personal convictions: they have an intense sense of right and wrong, personal religious and moral values. Wish to be rational, reasonable, self-disciplined, mature, moderate in all things.

Level 3: Extremely principled, always want to be fair, objective, and ethical: truth and justice primary values. Sense of responsibility, personal integrity, and of having a higher purpose often make them teachers and witnesses to the truth.

Average Levels

Level 4: Dissatisfied with reality, they become high-minded idealists, feeling that it is up to them to improve everything: crusaders, advocates, critics. Into "causes" and explaining to others how things "ought" to be.

Level 5: Afraid of making a mistake: everything must be consistent with their ideals. Become orderly and well-organized, but impersonal, puritanical, emotionally constricted, rigidly keeping their feelings and impulses in check. Often workaholics—"anal-compulsive," punctual, pedantic, and fastidious.

Level 6: Highly critical both of self and others: picky, judgmental, perfectionist. Very opinionated about everything: correcting people and badgering them to "do the right thing"—as they see it. Impatient, never satisfied with anything unless it is done according to their prescriptions. Moralizing, scolding, abrasive, and indignantly angry.

Unhealthy Levels

Level 7: Can be highly dogmatic, self-righteous, intolerant, and inflexible. Begin dealing in absolutes: they alone know "The Truth." Everyone else is wrong: very severe in judgments, while rationalizing own actions.

Level 8: Become obsessive about imperfection and the wrongdoing of others, although they may fall into contradictory actions, hypocritically doing  the opposite of what they preach.

Level 9: Become condemnatory toward others, punitive and cruel to rid themselves of wrongdoers. Severe depressions, nervous breakdowns, and suicide attempts are likely. Generally corresponds to the Obsessive-Compulsive and Depressive personality disorders.

I am all over the board here in both healthy and unhealthy development. I will not go into detail, but this list of crap almost depresses me. I am not a 21st century man and seriously bent.

I am going to have to hit the road this winter or I may come unraveled.

Maybe I will feel better tomorrow...or maybe I just need a good cry...or, more likely, the frustration will continue. Suck it up buttercup.

Maybe I should just go to the Iowa State Fair again tomorrow and forget all this, That's probably the answer. How could I be so stupid? (Don't answer or you;re dead meat.)