Some at church have asked me if I'm all right. The answer is no.
I got some guidance from a commenter on a blog we both frequent. He came up with this and it really describes the plight of the SSA man that wishes to remain celibate or without a male partner. Here it is...
Legitimate "Issues" I Face
1 Spiritual Clarity & Understanding
2 Human Loneliness
3 A Desire for Masculine Validation
4 A Desire for Brotherly Connection
5 A Desire for Male Intimacy
6 A Desire for Male Touch
7 A Low Self-Esteem
8 A Need to Soberly Value Myself
9 Depression and Stress
I have been juggling all those balls for as long as I can remember. It's why I think about giving up all the time. I can't juggle worth shit to be perfectly frank. It's all so over-powering. And before you start to give me the standard Christian advice - pray - you need to think about what you're saying. I've spent 50 years doing that. There is a void in my life that NOTHING seems to fill. The only reason I do not give up is because I don't think having a man will solve the issues either. Until now, I have always had distractions - my job, my Dad, my church. Two of those are now gone and the hole in my heart is staring me in the face every day. There is no healing for it.
The nine things listed are just core issues. Surrounding these issues are other neuroses that complicate the matter. God does not fix them and I feel powerless. Number six above is a big problem. I detest being touched, even though I want it. Ya, crazy right?
When I throw in all the other normal stuff going on, I feel overwhelmed most of the time.
So the next time you ask what is wrong with me, please refer to this list and then we can talk. You might be sorry you asked. Someone accused me recently of being unwilling to let people help me. I have kept these things to myself because YOU CAN'T HELP ME. None of you would have any idea how to untangle this knot. These are God sized problems that God is content to leave me with. I have no clue why. Do you? It's a wonder I made it to 60.
OK. I'm done. I hope I don't regret putting this out there.
Please don't apologize for speaking YOUR truth! Riddle me this, when in the healings we read from God's Word does Jesus ever tell one "pray about it, I'll get back to you?" Isn't that what He tells others to do? Isn't that what He teaches others to do? Didn't He acknowledge the depth of hurt and pain? Didn't He recognize the wound? YOUR WOUND IS REAL JEFF! The difference is that YOU ARE DEALING with it/STRUGGLING with it/BATTLING to not succumb to defeat. And if you do fall, you get back up! All this contrasted with those hiding behind the "acceptable" appearance. Spreading a lil' comfort dose of righteous indignation and then puffing up to "feel better about the good work they did" for you! You make it easy for the "prayaboutit" folk's lies to go undisclosed because they can focus on "fixing" you and keep the spotlight off their mess. Your battle is real, your road is unpleasant, your ache's holler and the loneliness is magnified because you are a real person living as a SSA man in pursuit of God!
ReplyDeleteThanks for your support. I did not realize that I seemed apologetic. Please allow me to apologize for the :^)
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