What do You Believe?

My advice was sought recently by a brother at church about how to deal with his friend that is Christian, but has recently come out of the closet as gay. They had known each other at Bible college and after returning home, his friend began announcing on social media that he was gay.

So what is a Christian friend supposed to do with another Christian friend in a situation like this? Anything? What do you say. It all depends on your perspective.

My first observation here is that if they are announcing their proclivities on social media, it may in fact be too late to offer any kind of valuable counsel that might actually turn them from their path of actually pursing their natural desires. I have thought about this for quite awhile now and what I see is this.

Same sex attraction is not something that we decide to adopt one day when we have nothing else to do. It has nothing to do with failed attempts to develop relationship and marry someone of the opposite sex. If it were a choice, no one would choose it because it's too difficult to live that way, even in our currently and allegedly enlightened age. SSA has everything to do with how we are wired or miswired depending on your point of view. We do not choose same sex attraction. It is just how we are. The physical and spiritual genetics of the human race has been a mess since the days of Adam and Eve and this is only one way that it manifests itself. It's one of the more severe examples of how the flesh and spirit is bent because it involves the human sex drive. Sex is right up there with the desire for food, water and shelter. We will not die without sex, but it certainly feels like it sometimes. This is not to say that being same sex attracted or gay is all about sex. It most certainly is not. There will be more about that as I proceed.

SSA manifests itself early in the lives of those effected. (I know of some that discovered it later in life.) It goes unrecognized by parents, family members and our brothers and sisters in Christ because we do not want to think about such a thing. How could this be? My son or daughter is gay..really? Surely it's just a phase. I will ignore it. Maybe it will go away. And so nothing gets done about it. No counsel is offered to the affected child and by the time they are in there teens and there hormones are in a flurry of confusion about who they are, it's almost too late to do anything about it.

Many will disagree with this, but I think what has to happen is education. Folks, when you tell your kids about sex, they need to know that some people are different. For whatever the reason, they (we) are same sex attracted. There is no good scientific or spiritual explanation for this, but it happens. Your children need to be encouraged to voice any SSA feelings they might be experiencing so that the issue can be addressed immediately. It will not be possible to 'cure' them, but with guidance, you may be able to keep them in the faith.

Imagine how we might change the lives of these SSA kids if, early on, they know they will be safe with their church and their family. We have to learn to recognize when this is happening in the lives of the young ones and come along side them offering support.

I have seen it happen frequently. SSA kids that grow up in the church will end up leaving because they feel the rejection of parents, peers and even God regarding who they are. Friends, there are no deal breakers. God loves everyone and so should you, especially if it's your own flesh and blood or your brother or sister in Christ. Love them, even if they are living in what you think to be sin. OK? Jesus did that for you and continues to do so.

My second observation is an attempt to answer how you should love us SSA folks. What can you do when you find out your friend, you brother in Christ or your son is same sex attracted and coming out as gay?

My answer to this is that you should find out what they believe. Beliefs can change when the circumstances of our lives seem to be dictating another course of action. What does your brother in Christ or your family member, that is coming out of the closet to you with their SSA status, really believe about Jesus or the Bible or the Church? What we believe about these things effects the way we proceed. Some people will rework what they believe the Bible says about same sex relationships. Some will reject the faith all together. A few of us have chosen to try and control our SSA by not indulging it in any sexual way.

If your friend is still a person of faith that believes the Bible and still loves Jesus, then you will have common ground with them.

Whatever it is your friend is doing with their SSA, please continue to love and care about them. Show them your love and grace as this is what God has shown you all your life. Never forget the cost of your salvation and who paid your redemption price. Pass on the kindness to others, SSA or otherwise. Jesus said:

  But the things that come out of a person’s mouth come from the heart, and these defile them...”

Take care in how you deal with your SSA friends, family members and brethren. If we speak for Jesus from our hearts, hate will have no place there. Love them. Love them. Souls are at stake.

Churches have a poor record when it comes to dealing with SSA people and the gay community. Then again, sometimes our attitude is right, but even our best intentions end up laying down the wrong dynamic. What I mean is that even if you have gay, celibate Christians in your congregation that are out of the closet, other SSA believers can still be fearful of doing the same and living transparently. This happens because of a lack of trust and a fear of being labeled and categorized or even caught in sin. Even when the environment is right and it's OK to be out and celibate, many SSA people will dive deeper into the closet or just leave the church all together. My experience has been that it's like a spotlight is following me. Why is this? Is my desire somehow worse than everyone else's?

Don't you go there!

There are also SSA people that have managed to marry and live seemingly straight lives with a wife and children in tow. They too are reluctant to stand up and say that they deal with SSA. They have a concern for how it will effect their family lives and what they will be allowed to do at church. I understand this, but should it be this way? If we were all more transparent about the things that interfere with our spiritual lives, we would be much more helpful, forgiving and loving with each other. Am I wrong? I don't think so.

The Church needs to deal with this and close off this avenue of attack to Satan. We ALL should be able to talk about our daily spiritual struggles with each other without being singled out or shamed as worse than everyone else. Church leadership needs to recognize the dynamic at work here and deal with it. We cannot go on ignoring the silent suffering of our brothers and sisters because they refuse or fear to talk. We need to create a safe place friends, where fellow believers can be themselves and allow Jesus to do His amazing work in their lives. We can no longer assume that because no one is talking about it, that there is no problem and move on. Voluntary blindness is not an option even if it makes leadership easier.

What do you believe about this?      

Another seemingly common myth within the church is that being gay is all about the sex.

That would be wrong. Just like you straight kids, it's about fulfilling the need to be in relationship and share partnership with another. The desire is to complete that process by sharing our minds, our bodies and our souls with each other. Some of us evangelical Christian SSA's believe that we have to leave our bodies out of that equation. This is, oddly, where our straight brethren can be of help.

Be our friends. Spend time with us. We are not contagious. You won't catch the 'gay' bug by socializing in some way with us. We can be fun, even entertaining. Seriously. And yes, we might become a bit dependent on you, emotionally or otherwise, but we will work through that. It's a hazard when friends become close no matter who you are.

Don't be afraid. Okay?