The Limp in My Soul

I have been accused of not studying the Old Testament. And it's true that I do not spend much time there these days. In the past however, I was there almost exclusively. I probably could have been a Pharisee. The stories of the Patriarchs, and later Moses and Joshua, are riveting and they point to the One that I love that came in the fullness of time to save me. It helps me to put His whole story together, so I am thankful for my legalist days. It gives me an appreciation for the age of grace.

One of my favorite characters in the book of Genesis is Jacob, son of Isaac. He was a smart man. He was also a calculating plotter that had a knack for making things work out to his advantage. He was not someone you would think of as submitted to God, at least in the early years of his life. Later though, he had no choice. If Jacob was to survive, he had to bend his will to the Lord God. Their's was a rough and tumble relationship where learning came with life's losses and gains and a father-in-law that was smarter than he.  Jacob learned to bend like a reed in the wind of God's instruction. It all worked out very well. The errors of his early life, though they worried him, never came back to haunt him as he thought they would. He passed from this world as the father of a burgeoning nation in the incubator of Egypt. It was his family that became God's first people and the gene pool for the Savior of the world. Jacob had become an important man in God's plan, before he died. He was a man that dared to wrestle with God.

My favorite story about Jacob concerns his return to Canaan from the land of his uncle and father-in-law, Laban. After he had safely sent all his family and herds across the the river Jabbok and into Canaan, Jacob went back to the other side to spend the night. He was worried about a number of things including the reaction of his brother Esau to his return home. Moses explains it this way in Genesis 32:22-32.

 22 That night Jacob got up and took his two wives, his two female servants and his eleven sons and crossed the ford of the Jabbok. 23 After he had sent them across the stream, he sent over all his possessions. 24 So Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him till daybreak. 25 When the man saw that he could not overpower him, he touched the socket of Jacob’s hip so that his hip was wrenched as he wrestled with the man. 26 Then the man said, “Let me go, for it is daybreak.” But Jacob replied, “I will not let you go unless you bless me.” 27 The man asked him, “What is your name?” “Jacob,” he answered. 28 Then the man said, “Your name will no longer be Jacob, but Israel, because you have struggled with God and with humans and have overcome.” 29 Jacob said, “Please tell me your name.” But he replied, “Why do you ask my name?” Then he blessed him there. 30 So Jacob called the place Peniel, saying, “It is because I saw God face to face, and yet my life was spared.” 31 The sun rose above him as he passed Peniel, and he was limping because of his hip. 32 Therefore to this day the Israelites do not eat the tendon attached to the socket of the hip, because the socket of Jacob’s hip was touched near the tendon.

My soul is disabled. I limp. I need a spiritual crutch just to get around. Strangely, I seem to get things done, even when the hip of my soul aches with the pain of my spiritual old age and a lifetime of fighting the battle. It reminds me how the Lover of my soul cares for me. He has to. He is the one that gave me the limp. We wrestle a lot. He can be kind of rough. Even so, I enjoy it. I always did like to be man handled. If you want to know who wins these wrestling matches, I would have to say we both win. He always prevails in the end, but the things I learn enable me to prevail in life. He enables me to cross the Jabock daily and encounter the Esaus of my life. He turns the messes in my life to blessings. even so, we wrestle. He seems to enjoy correcting my self willed plans...replacing it with His. I love Him.

We wrestled just last night. The bed clothes were a mess; damp with my sweat. I had been dreaming that someone was at the foot of the bed slowly removing the sheet that covered me. I could not see whoever it was, but I felt a presence. It scared me to the point of waking. It was 3 AM and do you think I could go back to sleep? So I laid there staring at the ceiling trying to convince myself that it was just a dream. We talked. I prayed for someone that has been on my mind...someone that has the same limp that I have.

This one I prayed for seems to be walking in error and looking to all the wrong people to help him get around. He does not see his limp as a disability that requires dependence on God. He seems to be proud of his limp, willing to indulge it, even as he falls down. I do not know this fellow traveler well, but I am sensing pressure from my wrestling partner to talk to him about his disability. It's doubtful that he will listen to an old man with similar life experience, even so I am feeling compelled to act.

Who am I to do this Lord? You could do this in some other way. There is no relationship on which to base what I would say to him. He needs your intervention Lord. Yes, I know I could create a relationship. How long would that take? And is it already too late for that? I am not the only one that sees his limp. It has been obvious to all in attention and yet none of your other servants stepped up to help. Ya, I'm passing the buck. I'm not seeing a hopeful situation here. He has no reason to listen to me. And he is tired of trying to walk alone. Can you at least show him your presence? In the meantime, let me think. I am not smart like your servant Jacob, but I'm not stupid either. I will use the things you give me to help. I will need some words...I will wait. I need to know for sure too...should I do this. And please let me get some rest tonight. I'm tired.