On Being In Love - A Spiritual Experience

As we all know, the Christian Church has many proscriptions against what is considered ungodly behavior. The behaviors run the gambit of what might be considered (at least occasionally) normal behavior for non-Christian people. And yes, there are times when lovers of Christ fall into these behaviors. Sometimes it is purposeful and sometimes the events of life bring us to a point where we do what we know is wrong, what we've been taught is wrong, because we are driven by desire and personal need which, while wholly unchristian, seems to be part of who we are. We rationalize the behavior. We say, 'this is the way God made me' and why can I not do whatever it is since it hurts no one and I want it.'

Paul, who was an apostle of Jesus Christ, laid down much of what we call Christian morality in the New Testament. Evangelical Christians believe that what he wrote was inspired by God. It was God breathed, it came from a higher authority - the Creator of The Universe and Father of Jesus Christ. And so, it is with great reverence that we believers consider the words of Paul in our efforts to be obedient to the will of Him who gave His life for us.

In other words, It's a big deal! Got that? We respect what God laid down through His apostles and prophets and through the Living Word of His Son. We revere it. It is important to us. We try very hard to live within those bounds. At least until we are faced with the paradox of what we are in the flesh and who we should be in Jesus Christ.

I understand this conflict in ways that maybe other Christians do not. The urge to sin is present in the flesh of all of us that believe, but sometimes, just sometimes, our most primal urges are affected by this corruption and what is ungodly and abnormal seems hard wired in us and natural, even when it goes against nature and the created order.

This has been the battleground of my life. From an early age, I knew I was bent in a very sexual way. I have known from the time I was 13 years old, that I found men physically, sexually and personally attractive. When the other guys pined for a girl friend, I wanted to share myself and my life with a boyfriend. I wanted intimacy at every level with a male companion.

Having grown up and grown into Christianity, I also knew it was wrong. God and the Scriptures have a very narrow definition of what human sexuality and godly interpersonal relationships should look like. God ordained through scripture that marriage and human sexuality were holy only when it is between one man and one woman. Sexuality outside of these bounds is considered immoral, wicked and ungodly.

As a Christian and a believer, this created a contradiction in my life and a gaping chasm in my relationship with my Lord. It made me angry, rebellious and hateful toward Him...Him who loves me more than anyone. I demanded to know why He had made me this way, why He insisted that what seems so natural to me is also wrong. The pain of this fight separated us for years. In my early twenties, I had a relationship with a young man of similar age more out of rage at God than love of the young man. I think I was trying to punish God for permanently trapping me in this bent flesh. Whatever it was, I was not happy and it created a tenuous, bumpy and angry relationship between Him and me. I had grown up as a bit of a legalist. I did not understand His grace and unconditional love in the proper context. And so it made all the spiritual issues much worse. I went through years of depression and pain, but after my college boyfriend, there was never another man in my life. In my spite, I told the Lord I would never do it again unless someone showed up in my life and chose me. I would never again pursue another man in this way.

God works in strange ways...yes He does. Though we did not talk much until about 1997, He placed a man in my way. It was someone that I thought I already knew. As it turned out, I did not know Him at all.

The man was His Son Jesus Christ.

I never really knew Him and we are still exploring each other together, but it is the only relationship I have ever had that has brought me any peace. I have fallen in love with Him. I cannot live without Him. And since He is the jealous type, I do not 'step out' on Him. He knows I have a wandering eye, but He seems to recapture my attention at just the right time to make me realize just how much I love Him. He does this by loving me. That is much tougher to do than you might think. It also makes me feel special. Only an act of the Most High God could bring me around and I did not have to get blinded like Paul.

Jesus is the most amazing man I have ever met. He can even make the straight boys submit to His will. He is My God and the lover of my soul.

This has been my lifetime spiritual experience. My life is not over yet. Probably soon, but not yet. It's my desire to be with Him until the day I die. Even so, I still see the possibility that another 'Mr. Right' might grace my life in a very physical way. I guess what I'm saying is that there is still time for me to mess this up.

I'm thinking my Man will not let this happen. So if I suddenly drop dead, you will know it was my jealous boyfriend bringing me home. I love Him.