Repentance Is Hard

Yesterday I told you of my sin against my brother and the fact that I have been behaving like a black hearted Pharisee. I told you about the advice I received from the Blacksmith as He swung His hammer to take out the impurities. I passed this advice to one and all. It is sound advice. It comes from the Blacksmith's Son.

"Deny yourself, take up your cross and follow Me."

Now the hard part. Applying it to myself.

I have to begin with repentance. There is no grace without repentance. At least that's what I believe. I have to turn from my sin and do what is right.

I apologize to my brother. I was cruel, mean spirited and vengeful deep within my soul. I took your actions personally and in ways that I should not have. I pissed myself off for no reason relevant to our struggles. And worst of all, I never said a word to you about it.

And this is where it gets even tougher. While I am sorry for mistreating you in my mind and before others, I still think the basic Biblical principles behind my anger and other misdirected emotions are correct. My interpretation of the scriptures does not allow me to lead the life you lead. I wanted to impose my version of truth on you. I wanted you to abandon your course and live as I do. I'm not sure I have the right to do that, even if you are a member of the same local body I belong to. It's something between you and God. He will be the last arbiter of our lives here and He will direct the grace where needed.

I can try to convince you of my point of view, but I do not believe that it is my right to force it on you. God gives us choices, right down to the choice of whether or not to believe in Him. He uses the processes of our lives to mold us and make us as He would have it be. To freeze a point in time and say, "knock it off", is to interfere in God's work in our lives. To offer another point of view for you to peruse as you move forward is God's work. I was not doing God's work. I was being punitive, spiteful and even jealous.

I am sorry.

I am jealous of the freedoms you take for yourself. They are things that I regard as sin. Sin is offensive to me, hence my overreaction. But since we never had the opportunity to talk about it, I will never know your point of view and you will never know mine. I have created an unfortunate situation for both of us. Again, I am sorry.

I realize, at this point, that all this may mean nothing to you. Just more conservative rubbish. Believe what you like, but I have been there and done that myself. I do understand.

I guess I never did understand why we did not connect after I outed myself last year. And I still don't understand why you remained in the closet when you were out everywhere else. It is a mystery to me. The door was opened and I was the only one at church that walked out of the closet.

You and I are not the only ones. There are others. We need them to stand up and be counted no matter which side of the fence they are on - yours or mine.

Brother, there is always room and time to change your heart and mind. I am trying to soften my heart. It has been made sore by life and events beyond my control. I am not offering an excuse here as much as an observation.

I hope you can forgive me.