Truth In Words and Art

Repentance Is Hard

Yesterday I told you of my sin against my brother and the fact that I have been behaving like a black hearted Pharisee. I told you about the advice I received from the Blacksmith as He swung His hammer to take out the impurities. I passed this advice to one and all. It is sound advice. It comes from the Blacksmith's Son.

"Deny yourself, take up your cross and follow Me."

Now the hard part. Applying it to myself.

I have to begin with repentance. There is no grace without repentance. At least that's what I believe. I have to turn from my sin and do what is right.

I apologize to my brother. I was cruel, mean spirited and vengeful deep within my soul. I took your actions personally and in ways that I should not have. I pissed myself off for no reason relevant to our struggles. And worst of all, I never said a word to you about it.

And this is where it gets even tougher. While I am sorry for mistreating you in my mind and before others, I still think the basic Biblical principles behind my anger and other misdirected emotions are correct. My interpretation of the scriptures does not allow me to lead the life you lead. I wanted to impose my version of truth on you. I wanted you to abandon your course and live as I do. I'm not sure I have the right to do that, even if you are a member of the same local body I belong to. It's something between you and God. He will be the last arbiter of our lives here and He will direct the grace where needed.

I can try to convince you of my point of view, but I do not believe that it is my right to force it on you. God gives us choices, right down to the choice of whether or not to believe in Him. He uses the processes of our lives to mold us and make us as He would have it be. To freeze a point in time and say, "knock it off", is to interfere in God's work in our lives. To offer another point of view for you to peruse as you move forward is God's work. I was not doing God's work. I was being punitive, spiteful and even jealous.

I am sorry.

I am jealous of the freedoms you take for yourself. They are things that I regard as sin. Sin is offensive to me, hence my overreaction. But since we never had the opportunity to talk about it, I will never know your point of view and you will never know mine. I have created an unfortunate situation for both of us. Again, I am sorry.

I realize, at this point, that all this may mean nothing to you. Just more conservative rubbish. Believe what you like, but I have been there and done that myself. I do understand.

I guess I never did understand why we did not connect after I outed myself last year. And I still don't understand why you remained in the closet when you were out everywhere else. It is a mystery to me. The door was opened and I was the only one at church that walked out of the closet.

You and I are not the only ones. There are others. We need them to stand up and be counted no matter which side of the fence they are on - yours or mine.

Brother, there is always room and time to change your heart and mind. I am trying to soften my heart. It has been made sore by life and events beyond my control. I am not offering an excuse here as much as an observation.

I hope you can forgive me.  

The Anvil Of His Grace

There is a place in the Arabian desert that T. E. Lawrence called the Anvil of God. In Arab legend it was the place of intense heat where God took men to bend them to His will.

I can testify that God does have an anvil. He is the Blacksmith of heaven, bending the souls of men to His will, wielding His hammer without mercy in an effort to save us. It is contradictory in the human sense, but He thinks nothing of killing us to save us. He knows that we have to die before we can really live. Sometimes He manages to kill the rebellion in us so that we live this life for Him. Other times, the flesh must die so that we can live. His loving intentions will be born out in the eternal lives of those He saves.

There are times in this life where we of faith can look back and see how He has formed us and shaped us in His Forge and pounded out something beautiful from the cheapest metals of our lives. Then there are those days when we know He is not done with us. He grasps us with His tongs and plunges us back into the fire for one more bout of refinement, one more pounding of His holy hammer.  

I discovered yesterday that I still have a hard heart. I felt like the older brother in the story of the prodigal. I was angry, resentful and vengeful. I wanted to call down fire on my brother even as others were rushing around to rescue him. My well of human grace and kindness was dry. I had nothing to offer but bitter anger at how he has disrespected me, my testimony, my faith and even the sacrifice I brought to the Lord.

I did not have a clue about any of this until others tried to make his problem my problem. I knew I had a lingering jealousy of this individual. I knew I was coveting the self willed life he is currently enjoying. But in the night and while I slept, the Blacksmith of heaven did His work. In the midst of fire and blazing heat, His hammer came down and split the hot metal of my soul. The impurities flowed out and then I knew.

I am guilty of self righteous resentment, hate and anger toward my brother. Even now I just want to let him drown in his sin. My hand is not forthcoming. I do not wish to pull him back into the boat. And part of this is because he is not reaching out for help. If someone is to help save him, it will be against his will. My thought is that he needs to struggle some more. And so I cross my arms and let him drift away while he tries to breath sea water. So be it.

Really? Is this the way I am? Apparently so.

Whatever... It is good I did not join the rescue efforts. It is good that I did not involve myself, given the abject poverty of my attitude and hardness of heart. It was thought by some that I could empathize. I can. I understand exactly how he feels. I understand exactly what he wants and the only -  the only advice I have for him is what the Blacksmith gave me as His hammer came down on my soul.

"Deny yourself, take up your cross and follow Me."

Thanksgiving

Well, it's Thanksgiving Day again. I have much to be thankful for, though I try not to reserve my thanks to one day a year. The One who made me is faithful to see to my needs and make my life work. There is something of a miracle there. You have no idea.

Anyway, I just want to tell family, friends and fellow Christ followers how much I love you. Without y'all in my life, much would be missing and the material things would seem useless.

To the Angels, Rhonda, Karla, Billie and, yes Brenda and Patty too, thanks so much for taking the time. I know I am an acquired taste. Thanks so much for coming along side me in my walk. We are an interesting and eclectic group.

To Eric Lang who was the first Christian brother to share my burden, Thanks so much for your efforts and continuing friendship. You are a very patient man. The love of Christ flows from your fingertips. Sometimes it's a bit snippy, but I both need and appreciate that. I love you man! Have you forgotten about the day I told you? I was house sitting for the parents. I invited you over. We sat on the deck and I told you I was gay. As I recall, you laughed at me. Your reaction was great...really it was. From my point of view, it could have been way worse. Even so, you continued to be my friend. Your continued love and support gave me the encouragement I needed to trust others with the information. And eventually I did. In many ways, you became my first accountability partner. Thanks for the Love Buddy!

Remind me to put you in the will....

To family on both sides, let me just say I love you and thanks so much for letting me continue to be your nephew or cousin.

To my church...I love you all too. Thanks for letting me teach for 17 years. It helps fill the hole in my soul and it keeps me in the Word. I also love the exchange of knowledge and the mutual celebration of our salvation. We are truly new creations. We are no longer what we once were. We have been empowered to fight back by the One that shares His Spirit with us. Victory is ours and time is on our side. Nothing can separate us from His love.

I hope you all have a good day. If you're with family, steer clear of politics and focus on the end game. We have a glorious future ahead and it will last forever.

To Him Who Loves And Saves us be the glory, honor and power! Maranatha!  

It's Gonna Be One Of Those Days...

Well, it's Sunday. Dad did not want to get into the shower and, man, did he need one. He said he did not feel like going to church, that he did not stink and that he was not going to take a shower.

Sheesh. He is 80 not 4. I'm thinking it's the Alzheimer's. He is like stage 6 out of 7. Where he is at in stage 6 is the question, but if last night is any indicator, he is getting close to 7.

He came down to my man cave with the dog last night after watching a TV show about computer fraud upstairs. He thought the whole thing had been real and that the people on the TV had been in the living room. He was all concerned about computer security and he was trying to call someone where he worked 17 years ago (and all of his adult life prior) to warn them. When I explained that it was a TV show, that it was not real and there was no one in the house, he wanted to know when they left. Once I got that in his head, he told me he wanted to get in his car and go home. I told him he was already home and that he had lived there since 1986. This was astounding news along with his retirement 17 years prior.

I finally got him sat back down and I changed the TV channel to a college football game. He settled down and dozed off. I went to bed and then woke this morning to his subtle refusal to go to church or even shower.

I'm not sure why Satan pushes him like this on Saturday nights. I know that when I pray about his craziness and ask God to drive Satan away, the 'sundowning' behavior always diminishes. For me, it's kind of a miracle actually. I praise God's name daily for what He does for my Dad.

Even so, it is feeling more and more like I am going to have to give someone else control of this situation. A retirement facility with an Alzheimer's unit may be required. I'm not sure how much longer I can do this. He is frustrated, and I am not getting any younger myself. I can barely lift him when he falls now. I know I will not be able to do it when I'm 65. I worry about leaving him alone in the house, even with a nurse. He can be a difficult, belligerent bully.  And I am just as bad...

I think he needs to be in a place with a staff that can cope with him. I know that once he is out of his home environment, he will not do as well, but he should not be there in his present state.

It's going to be a rough holiday season.

Are You Eating Right?

Our diets can determine many things about us. A diet high in carbs can make us fat. It can make us insulin resistant. We do not properly metabolize the food we eat and it ends up stored by our bodies in the form of fat around our middles and chins. It can be a problem in a fast food culture. What we take into our bodies says much about what our bodies become. It can even effect how long we live and what kind of physical health we enjoy.

We need to eat to live and not live to eat. Food can replace many things in our lives. It can provide comfort; that feeling of fullness in the belly is much like feeling loved. And so we eat to feel better. We eat when we are not hungry and we eat things that are not really good for our bodies. Our six packs become kegs and our arteries clog and we wonder why we feel bad.

Much of it has to do with what's going on in our heads. If we are needy mentally and spiritually, we do what we need to to do to feel better in our heads by satisfying our stomachs. It works in the short term. We feel better. We feel satiated. But that feeling does not last long and we soon need to be fed again to recapture that sense of fullness and satisfaction. It's the same thing that is at work in the alcoholic and the drug addict and even the nicotine addict, but with a subtle difference. We have to eat. We will die if we do not eat. And so I say again, Eat to live. Do not live to eat.

It's odd how our mental and spiritual well being is tied to our physical well being in this way. It says that most of America is not only overweight, they are unhappy and unsatisfied. And that brings me to the most uncomfortable conclusion of all...

Church, You are fat. What is it you have been consuming? Do you know why you do it? Whatever 'it' is? You need to be eating better. You need to get your mind and spirit right. Set the muffin down and back away from the table. There is a carrot stick over here with your name on it. In the meantime, let me suggest you feed your soul a bit better. Then maybe some cupcakes will not seem so appealing. For a people that are supposed to be the model of self control, y'all are a mess. So brush the cookie crumbs off your chest, get up and get some spiritual exercise. Jesus had just the menu plan for you.

John 6:53-59
 53 Jesus said to them, “Very truly I tell you, unless you eat the flesh of the Son of Man and drink his blood, you have no life in you. 54 Whoever eats my flesh and drinks my blood has eternal life, and I will raise them up at the last day. 55 For my flesh is real food and my blood is real drink. 56 Whoever eats my flesh and drinks my blood remains in me, and I in them. 57 Just as the living Father sent me and I live because of the Father, so the one who feeds on me will live because of me. 58 This is the bread that came down from heaven. Your ancestors ate manna and died, but whoever feeds on this bread will live forever.” 59 He said this while teaching in the synagogue in Capernaum.

Jesus' menu plan did not sit well with the folks of His day, but this is what He had to say to them. They were seeing cannibalism and vampiric behavior. They seemed to be taking Him literally when He was speaking metaphorically. In our day, many Christians react the same way. While they might see symbolism here, what they see is a foreshadowing of the Lord's Supper. This is also incorrect. The Lord's Supper does not bring eternal life. It is a 'remembrance' feast.

No, Jesus was speaking metaphorically here. It was His desire that we take in His very essence into ourselves, that we become who He is as much as possible. He wants us to incorporate His being and character into ourselves. If we do that, we will lose the spiritual fat. If we do that, we will find contentment spiritually and mentally and that will translate to healthier physical bodies. We will not have this nagging, undefined need to take in or eat things that are not good for us, even when we are not really hungry.

He is the Bread of Life and He's low carb, so eat as much as you want. Let's dig in.      

The Limp in My Soul

I have been accused of not studying the Old Testament. And it's true that I do not spend much time there these days. In the past however, I was there almost exclusively. I probably could have been a Pharisee. The stories of the Patriarchs, and later Moses and Joshua, are riveting and they point to the One that I love that came in the fullness of time to save me. It helps me to put His whole story together, so I am thankful for my legalist days. It gives me an appreciation for the age of grace.

One of my favorite characters in the book of Genesis is Jacob, son of Isaac. He was a smart man. He was also a calculating plotter that had a knack for making things work out to his advantage. He was not someone you would think of as submitted to God, at least in the early years of his life. Later though, he had no choice. If Jacob was to survive, he had to bend his will to the Lord God. Their's was a rough and tumble relationship where learning came with life's losses and gains and a father-in-law that was smarter than he.  Jacob learned to bend like a reed in the wind of God's instruction. It all worked out very well. The errors of his early life, though they worried him, never came back to haunt him as he thought they would. He passed from this world as the father of a burgeoning nation in the incubator of Egypt. It was his family that became God's first people and the gene pool for the Savior of the world. Jacob had become an important man in God's plan, before he died. He was a man that dared to wrestle with God.

My favorite story about Jacob concerns his return to Canaan from the land of his uncle and father-in-law, Laban. After he had safely sent all his family and herds across the the river Jabbok and into Canaan, Jacob went back to the other side to spend the night. He was worried about a number of things including the reaction of his brother Esau to his return home. Moses explains it this way in Genesis 32:22-32.

 22 That night Jacob got up and took his two wives, his two female servants and his eleven sons and crossed the ford of the Jabbok. 23 After he had sent them across the stream, he sent over all his possessions. 24 So Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him till daybreak. 25 When the man saw that he could not overpower him, he touched the socket of Jacob’s hip so that his hip was wrenched as he wrestled with the man. 26 Then the man said, “Let me go, for it is daybreak.” But Jacob replied, “I will not let you go unless you bless me.” 27 The man asked him, “What is your name?” “Jacob,” he answered. 28 Then the man said, “Your name will no longer be Jacob, but Israel, because you have struggled with God and with humans and have overcome.” 29 Jacob said, “Please tell me your name.” But he replied, “Why do you ask my name?” Then he blessed him there. 30 So Jacob called the place Peniel, saying, “It is because I saw God face to face, and yet my life was spared.” 31 The sun rose above him as he passed Peniel, and he was limping because of his hip. 32 Therefore to this day the Israelites do not eat the tendon attached to the socket of the hip, because the socket of Jacob’s hip was touched near the tendon.

My soul is disabled. I limp. I need a spiritual crutch just to get around. Strangely, I seem to get things done, even when the hip of my soul aches with the pain of my spiritual old age and a lifetime of fighting the battle. It reminds me how the Lover of my soul cares for me. He has to. He is the one that gave me the limp. We wrestle a lot. He can be kind of rough. Even so, I enjoy it. I always did like to be man handled. If you want to know who wins these wrestling matches, I would have to say we both win. He always prevails in the end, but the things I learn enable me to prevail in life. He enables me to cross the Jabock daily and encounter the Esaus of my life. He turns the messes in my life to blessings. even so, we wrestle. He seems to enjoy correcting my self willed plans...replacing it with His. I love Him.

We wrestled just last night. The bed clothes were a mess; damp with my sweat. I had been dreaming that someone was at the foot of the bed slowly removing the sheet that covered me. I could not see whoever it was, but I felt a presence. It scared me to the point of waking. It was 3 AM and do you think I could go back to sleep? So I laid there staring at the ceiling trying to convince myself that it was just a dream. We talked. I prayed for someone that has been on my mind...someone that has the same limp that I have.

This one I prayed for seems to be walking in error and looking to all the wrong people to help him get around. He does not see his limp as a disability that requires dependence on God. He seems to be proud of his limp, willing to indulge it, even as he falls down. I do not know this fellow traveler well, but I am sensing pressure from my wrestling partner to talk to him about his disability. It's doubtful that he will listen to an old man with similar life experience, even so I am feeling compelled to act.

Who am I to do this Lord? You could do this in some other way. There is no relationship on which to base what I would say to him. He needs your intervention Lord. Yes, I know I could create a relationship. How long would that take? And is it already too late for that? I am not the only one that sees his limp. It has been obvious to all in attention and yet none of your other servants stepped up to help. Ya, I'm passing the buck. I'm not seeing a hopeful situation here. He has no reason to listen to me. And he is tired of trying to walk alone. Can you at least show him your presence? In the meantime, let me think. I am not smart like your servant Jacob, but I'm not stupid either. I will use the things you give me to help. I will need some words...I will wait. I need to know for sure too...should I do this. And please let me get some rest tonight. I'm tired.