The sky is weird today. It's almost 0930 in the morning and it seems quite dark...dark, cold and gloomy. It is not windy today though, and I think it may warm up enough later that I can get the lawn sweeper out and pick up some leaves.
Thanks to everyone for putting up with my rant yesterday. I am OK, just screwed up like usual. I am not dangerous to myself or anyone else. A friend suggested some therapy. I may do that. It's too cold to go fishing (which is the best therapy).
This is the time of year that the sun kind of dies in the sky. It will soon be dark from 0430 PM to 0900 AM. It sort of turns me into a wackjob. I keep threatening to get one of those light therapy units that they use in Alaska. I may order one today. It might help. I understand why so many people move south for the winter. It's not just the cold. It's the darkness. I might order some motivation too. Surely Amazon has some. They have everything else.
At least Halloween is over. Now we can get on with the rest of the foolishness and into 2018.
I should go home now. I actually do have things I could be doing. Constructive things. Why wait for the motivation to be delivered? I could make some of my own. I used to know the recipe. Lately, I've been slow cooking procrastination. It's always best when prepared that way and served with a side delay sauce. It makes for good stew too. I am so funny.
Stew does sound good though. I might just put some together in the crock pot today. That should make the whole house smell like wintertime. Note to self....stop at Hy-Vee on the way home.
Later friends. I gotta make a grocery list.
Wednesday, November 1, 2017
Monday, October 30, 2017
What's Wrong With Me...
Some at church have asked me if I'm all right. The answer is no.
I got some guidance from a commenter on a blog we both frequent. He came up with this and it really describes the plight of the SSA man that wishes to remain celibate or without a male partner. Here it is...
Legitimate "Issues" I Face
1 Spiritual Clarity & Understanding
2 Human Loneliness
3 A Desire for Masculine Validation
4 A Desire for Brotherly Connection
5 A Desire for Male Intimacy
6 A Desire for Male Touch
7 A Low Self-Esteem
8 A Need to Soberly Value Myself
9 Depression and Stress
I have been juggling all those balls for as long as I can remember. It's why I think about giving up all the time. I can't juggle worth shit to be perfectly frank. It's all so over-powering. And before you start to give me the standard Christian advice - pray - you need to think about what you're saying. I've spent 50 years doing that. There is a void in my life that NOTHING seems to fill. The only reason I do not give up is because I don't think having a man will solve the issues either. Until now, I have always had distractions - my job, my Dad, my church. Two of those are now gone and the hole in my heart is staring me in the face every day. There is no healing for it.
The nine things listed are just core issues. Surrounding these issues are other neuroses that complicate the matter. God does not fix them and I feel powerless. Number six above is a big problem. I detest being touched, even though I want it. Ya, crazy right?
When I throw in all the other normal stuff going on, I feel overwhelmed most of the time.
So the next time you ask what is wrong with me, please refer to this list and then we can talk. You might be sorry you asked. Someone accused me recently of being unwilling to let people help me. I have kept these things to myself because YOU CAN'T HELP ME. None of you would have any idea how to untangle this knot. These are God sized problems that God is content to leave me with. I have no clue why. Do you? It's a wonder I made it to 60.
OK. I'm done. I hope I don't regret putting this out there.
I got some guidance from a commenter on a blog we both frequent. He came up with this and it really describes the plight of the SSA man that wishes to remain celibate or without a male partner. Here it is...
Legitimate "Issues" I Face
1 Spiritual Clarity & Understanding
2 Human Loneliness
3 A Desire for Masculine Validation
4 A Desire for Brotherly Connection
5 A Desire for Male Intimacy
6 A Desire for Male Touch
7 A Low Self-Esteem
8 A Need to Soberly Value Myself
9 Depression and Stress
I have been juggling all those balls for as long as I can remember. It's why I think about giving up all the time. I can't juggle worth shit to be perfectly frank. It's all so over-powering. And before you start to give me the standard Christian advice - pray - you need to think about what you're saying. I've spent 50 years doing that. There is a void in my life that NOTHING seems to fill. The only reason I do not give up is because I don't think having a man will solve the issues either. Until now, I have always had distractions - my job, my Dad, my church. Two of those are now gone and the hole in my heart is staring me in the face every day. There is no healing for it.
The nine things listed are just core issues. Surrounding these issues are other neuroses that complicate the matter. God does not fix them and I feel powerless. Number six above is a big problem. I detest being touched, even though I want it. Ya, crazy right?
When I throw in all the other normal stuff going on, I feel overwhelmed most of the time.
So the next time you ask what is wrong with me, please refer to this list and then we can talk. You might be sorry you asked. Someone accused me recently of being unwilling to let people help me. I have kept these things to myself because YOU CAN'T HELP ME. None of you would have any idea how to untangle this knot. These are God sized problems that God is content to leave me with. I have no clue why. Do you? It's a wonder I made it to 60.
OK. I'm done. I hope I don't regret putting this out there.
Saturday, October 28, 2017
News Of The Week In Review (NOTWIR) 10/28/2017
It was a fairly boring week. I cut the church service after class on Sunday and escaped to the Temple in Panora for my worship service. I worshipped in Spirit and Truth and mostly with a Mepps Bucktail #2. The small mouth bass were not enormous, but there were many. On the way home I slid down to Redfield, but while the temple there is beautiful, I did not catch as many fish. Redfield is a sleepy little town where the American Legion hall is nicer than city hall, there is one classy restaurant, no Subway and one Casey's. It's kind of perfect. There is a house on the north side of town that looks like it may have been built in the 1920's. It's in original condition and has the Middle Raccoon river in it's backyard. In my imagination, I was wondering what it would be like to live there. The notion of moving to a new city kind of excited me. If they only had a Hy-Vee and a pizza place, but I digress.
Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday blew...literally. It was windy for most of the rest of the week. I did get some more fish caught in spite of the considerable breeze. I also noticed it was getting progressively colder.
Friday I used to do laundry, read and watch movies on Amazon. It was cold, windy and spit snow off and on a good portion of the day. Friday night I went out with the boys from church. This is turning into a bit of a club. We get together every other Friday for dinner and talk. Right now we are three in number. I hope we will be expanding soon. From my perspective, this is a very good thing. I get 'man' time with straight Christian guys, they get the advantage of having someone in their group that has had a different kind of life. We learn from each other, joke with each other and love each other. It's what real Christian men do together in some respects. Since we are all single for one reason or another, it helps us deal with loneliness too. The things we talk about when we are together are considered confidential and right now, so is our membership roll. We are planning a Thanksgiving gathering in November at a local restaurant. Other will be invited. This may begin the expansion of our group. It will be interesting to see what develops.
I want to do a brief review of one of the movies I watched on Friday. It was called "Southern Baptist Sissies". It was about four SSA boys that grew up in the same Baptist church in Texas. It was more a play than a movie; a play that had been filmed before a live audience. The stage was set like the inside of any average evangelical or fundamentalist church building, complete with pews, Off to one side of the stage there was another set. It was supposed to be a specific table in a local gay bar where two of the regular customers sat next to the piano player. Some of the funniest lines in the movie happen during those scenes. The piano guy was also the pianist at the Baptist church, making the whole thing funnier.
The story line concerns how growing up in the fundie environment can effect SSA people. The writer/director of the film obviously has a lot of grudge like baggage that derives from his personal experiences in the church and it comes out in the script in both dramatic moments and comedy moments. The story that is told is true and the writer is one of the four boys in real life.
I would stop just short of recommending this to Christian friends because of the frankness of the script and some scenes of near nudity that might be misinterpreted. The message of this movie/play is one that Christians need to hear, but the sarcasm and snark with which the message is delivered would most likely just create anger rather than promote understanding. In some ways, it is the mirror image of some of the judgments we see delivered from Christian pulpits today.
If you are feeling up to it, feeling daring, go ahead and watch it. It's available on Amazon Prime for free. You might make sure the kids are in bed first. It will make you wonder how a place like church, that is supposed to be about love, grace and forgiveness, can leave young men hopeless and hating themselves.
It resonated deeply with me in many ways.
Hard freeze tonight. Bring in the brass monkey. See you in church tomorrow. Maybe ;^)
Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday blew...literally. It was windy for most of the rest of the week. I did get some more fish caught in spite of the considerable breeze. I also noticed it was getting progressively colder.
Friday I used to do laundry, read and watch movies on Amazon. It was cold, windy and spit snow off and on a good portion of the day. Friday night I went out with the boys from church. This is turning into a bit of a club. We get together every other Friday for dinner and talk. Right now we are three in number. I hope we will be expanding soon. From my perspective, this is a very good thing. I get 'man' time with straight Christian guys, they get the advantage of having someone in their group that has had a different kind of life. We learn from each other, joke with each other and love each other. It's what real Christian men do together in some respects. Since we are all single for one reason or another, it helps us deal with loneliness too. The things we talk about when we are together are considered confidential and right now, so is our membership roll. We are planning a Thanksgiving gathering in November at a local restaurant. Other will be invited. This may begin the expansion of our group. It will be interesting to see what develops.
I want to do a brief review of one of the movies I watched on Friday. It was called "Southern Baptist Sissies". It was about four SSA boys that grew up in the same Baptist church in Texas. It was more a play than a movie; a play that had been filmed before a live audience. The stage was set like the inside of any average evangelical or fundamentalist church building, complete with pews, Off to one side of the stage there was another set. It was supposed to be a specific table in a local gay bar where two of the regular customers sat next to the piano player. Some of the funniest lines in the movie happen during those scenes. The piano guy was also the pianist at the Baptist church, making the whole thing funnier.
The story line concerns how growing up in the fundie environment can effect SSA people. The writer/director of the film obviously has a lot of grudge like baggage that derives from his personal experiences in the church and it comes out in the script in both dramatic moments and comedy moments. The story that is told is true and the writer is one of the four boys in real life.
I would stop just short of recommending this to Christian friends because of the frankness of the script and some scenes of near nudity that might be misinterpreted. The message of this movie/play is one that Christians need to hear, but the sarcasm and snark with which the message is delivered would most likely just create anger rather than promote understanding. In some ways, it is the mirror image of some of the judgments we see delivered from Christian pulpits today.
If you are feeling up to it, feeling daring, go ahead and watch it. It's available on Amazon Prime for free. You might make sure the kids are in bed first. It will make you wonder how a place like church, that is supposed to be about love, grace and forgiveness, can leave young men hopeless and hating themselves.
It resonated deeply with me in many ways.
Hard freeze tonight. Bring in the brass monkey. See you in church tomorrow. Maybe ;^)
Thursday, October 19, 2017
The Bugs of Autumn
We really need a hard freeze. Insects are currently a massive problem. They seem to be swarming by species, just waiting to die as the clock of Fall continues to tick down to Winter. Right now I am sitting on the east deck. I am being attacked by all manner of flying insects, biters and non biters. It's worse than at any time in summer. The only remedy will be a killing frost I think. It's time.
The tiniest of them all is the no-see-um. They are the size of a black pepper speck and they can fly through screen doors with ease. They are like tiny black dots that bite and they can also fly. Apparently they are a species of sand flea. Here is a heavily magnified picture.
Very nasty little buggers! You do not even know they are on you until they bite you.
The lady bugs are also swarming. There seem to be an alarming number of them and they also bite. Some have no black spots on their red orange wing covers and these seem to be the worst biters.
j
The tiniest of them all is the no-see-um. They are the size of a black pepper speck and they can fly through screen doors with ease. They are like tiny black dots that bite and they can also fly. Apparently they are a species of sand flea. Here is a heavily magnified picture.
The lady bugs are also swarming. There seem to be an alarming number of them and they also bite. Some have no black spots on their red orange wing covers and these seem to be the worst biters.
Then there is the box elder bugs. These are currently swarming around the garage door of the house in large groups. I'm guessing there are 3 to 400 of them right now, They do not bite, but they land on you when standing in the driveway. They get in your pants and crawl into your ears. If they fly into your mouth, the taste is incredibly awful.
j
Finally, there is the brown marmorated stink bug. They tend to swarm outside in window sills of the house and somehow...somehow, they manage to get inside around screen edges and door jams. This is kind of amazing considering how big they are. They can fly, but my observation has been that it's like they are drunk. They crash into walls, windows and people before attaching themselves to whatever. The first instinct is to smash them if they land on you. My advice is 'don't'. True to their name they do stink when smashed. You will have to change your t-shirt or pants or whatever if you do not want to smell their repulsive odor all day. Spiders will not even eat them is they land in their web. The best way to dispose of them is to grab them in a tissue, then smash them and flush them. They do not bite. I did an experiment with one of these beetles. I threw it in the toilet alive. He just swam around like it was a day at the beach. I put a piece of toilet paper on top of it and he flipped over and walked upside down under water on the wet TP sheet. Once it found the edge of the paper, it climbed on top of the wet sheet and walked around. Water is not a good weapon against them unless you flush. No it is living happily ever after in the septic tank I suppose. Please see the brown marmorated stink bug below.
Time to shoot a squirrel now. Got to go bang bang.
The Mosquito In My Eye and The Week So Far
Monday was boring. The most exciting thing I did was to get the oil changed in my truck and the right head light replaced.
Tuesday was a bit more exciting. I woke up to this huge floater inside my right eye. At first I thought it might be something on the outside surface. I rinsed it for awhile under the kitchen faucet. The rinsing had no effect. The floater remained.
If I had to describe it, I would say it looked like a mosquito hovering just up and to the right of my right eye. Sometimes it looks like a very thin legged spider as it moves down to my central field of vision. It does this when I am reading. It's all very annoying and scary, especially when I consider that my eye doctor told me I was a good candidate for closed angle glaucoma. I wondered if maybe a portion of my retina had become detached.
So I got in to see my eye doctor Tuesday afternoon. He checked my eye pressure first. It was normal in both eyes; no closed angle glaucoma, yea! He then dilated my eyes, pulled over his scope and had a look at my retina and optic nerve. Both retinas were normal...again, yea! Then he managed to isolate the floater in my right eye and studied it. He determined that the vitreous humor had sloughed off a bit 'skin' (for lack of a better term) back by the place it connects with the optic disk. The vitreous humour (body) is the fluid in your eye between the lens and the retina. Apparently, when we are younger, the vitreous humour is like gelatin that is set up. As we age, it becomes more the consistency of egg whites and sometimes the skin of the gelatin will break loose in they eye as the vitreous humour loses it's gelatinous quality. And so, we end up with floaters. The scientific terminology for these floaters was unknown to me until just now. WEB MD says this:
It would seem that my floater, AKA collagen, is quite large, at least from my POV. So, I will visit my regular doctor on Monday to see if he can get me a referral to an opthamologist. I cannot live with this mosquito hovering around my right eye forever. The optometrist said that it would eventually ball up and become smaller and that my visual cortex would stop seeing it altogether, but I am doubting this diagnosis. It is still driving me nuts. If there is anything that can be done to fix it, I am going to do it.
On Wednesday I went fishing. Caught several small mouth bass, but no walleye. I went out to Panora. That's pretty much a day trip, but I enjoy it. It's really beautiful there in the fall. Here are some pics.
Today I'm doing chores. I may get out the lawn sweeper later and pick up some leaves. As for Friday and Saturday, it remains to be seen. And Sunday...that's another story that I'm loathe to go into. I think I will leave it at that.
Tuesday was a bit more exciting. I woke up to this huge floater inside my right eye. At first I thought it might be something on the outside surface. I rinsed it for awhile under the kitchen faucet. The rinsing had no effect. The floater remained.
If I had to describe it, I would say it looked like a mosquito hovering just up and to the right of my right eye. Sometimes it looks like a very thin legged spider as it moves down to my central field of vision. It does this when I am reading. It's all very annoying and scary, especially when I consider that my eye doctor told me I was a good candidate for closed angle glaucoma. I wondered if maybe a portion of my retina had become detached.
So I got in to see my eye doctor Tuesday afternoon. He checked my eye pressure first. It was normal in both eyes; no closed angle glaucoma, yea! He then dilated my eyes, pulled over his scope and had a look at my retina and optic nerve. Both retinas were normal...again, yea! Then he managed to isolate the floater in my right eye and studied it. He determined that the vitreous humor had sloughed off a bit 'skin' (for lack of a better term) back by the place it connects with the optic disk. The vitreous humour (body) is the fluid in your eye between the lens and the retina. Apparently, when we are younger, the vitreous humour is like gelatin that is set up. As we age, it becomes more the consistency of egg whites and sometimes the skin of the gelatin will break loose in they eye as the vitreous humour loses it's gelatinous quality. And so, we end up with floaters. The scientific terminology for these floaters was unknown to me until just now. WEB MD says this:
Most floaters are small flecks of a protein called collagen. They're part of a gel-like substance in the back of your eye called the vitreous. As you age, the protein fibers that make up the vitreous shrink down to little shreds that clump together. The shadows they cast on your retina are floaters.
It would seem that my floater, AKA collagen, is quite large, at least from my POV. So, I will visit my regular doctor on Monday to see if he can get me a referral to an opthamologist. I cannot live with this mosquito hovering around my right eye forever. The optometrist said that it would eventually ball up and become smaller and that my visual cortex would stop seeing it altogether, but I am doubting this diagnosis. It is still driving me nuts. If there is anything that can be done to fix it, I am going to do it.
On Wednesday I went fishing. Caught several small mouth bass, but no walleye. I went out to Panora. That's pretty much a day trip, but I enjoy it. It's really beautiful there in the fall. Here are some pics.
Today I'm doing chores. I may get out the lawn sweeper later and pick up some leaves. As for Friday and Saturday, it remains to be seen. And Sunday...that's another story that I'm loathe to go into. I think I will leave it at that.
Saturday, October 14, 2017
Thought For The Day
"Remember to love your neighbor as yourself. And if you hate yourself, then please just leave your neighbor alone."
Jon Stewart
Jon Stewart
Friday, October 13, 2017
Panora on the Middle Raccoon River and The Unexpected Lesbian
Since my favorite local fishing spot was inundated by water last week, thanks to the Corp of Engineers, I was forced to move on. I have fished the Middle Raccoon many times below the dam at Panora with limited success, but I had an especially nice time this week. Wednesday I caught a nice 5 LB Walleye and Thursday was really good. 15 small mouth bass, all 10 to 12 inches long and another Walleye at around 2.5 LB. I had fun. Pictures below.
Jesus also showed me I was an unregenerate idiot yesterday while I was fishing. From across the river, I saw a guy walk down the bank to fish. He was setting off my gaydar. He was 30 something, cute, from where I was standing, nice shoulders. So I worked my way over there to get a better look. Then it happened. He spoke. Asked me how fishing was. It was then I detected the problem. He was a woman; no hips, flat chest, short hair, very masculine in appearance, a woman. Wow.
I can't even go fishing to meet men, even when there was no plan to take him home with me. I was window shopping really, that's all, just looking and the Lord laughs from heaven and I swear I could hear Him as the woman spoke and then I started laughing and my new friend said, "what's so funny?"
I said, "oh nothing". Then I told her how the fishing was, what I had been catching and what I had been using to do it, then slowly moved on after some more pleasantries.
Now, she could have been a lesbian, probably was, and that's what set off the gaydar, but even so, I used to detect these things before engagement took place. She was nice enough. I have no problem with having women friends, even lesbians. It was just the way it happened. My intentions were not good to begin with, if I'm honest, and I think the Lord knew this and decided to let me crash and burn in personal internal embarrassment. I would not put it passed Him to have changed this "man" into a woman as he walked down to the river bank, just to thwart my intent and have a good laugh. I guess it's good that He watches me like that. I should have taken her picture with my phone along with the fish for show and tell, but I had to throw her back ;^)
And now for the fish...
Jesus also showed me I was an unregenerate idiot yesterday while I was fishing. From across the river, I saw a guy walk down the bank to fish. He was setting off my gaydar. He was 30 something, cute, from where I was standing, nice shoulders. So I worked my way over there to get a better look. Then it happened. He spoke. Asked me how fishing was. It was then I detected the problem. He was a woman; no hips, flat chest, short hair, very masculine in appearance, a woman. Wow.
I can't even go fishing to meet men, even when there was no plan to take him home with me. I was window shopping really, that's all, just looking and the Lord laughs from heaven and I swear I could hear Him as the woman spoke and then I started laughing and my new friend said, "what's so funny?"
I said, "oh nothing". Then I told her how the fishing was, what I had been catching and what I had been using to do it, then slowly moved on after some more pleasantries.
Now, she could have been a lesbian, probably was, and that's what set off the gaydar, but even so, I used to detect these things before engagement took place. She was nice enough. I have no problem with having women friends, even lesbians. It was just the way it happened. My intentions were not good to begin with, if I'm honest, and I think the Lord knew this and decided to let me crash and burn in personal internal embarrassment. I would not put it passed Him to have changed this "man" into a woman as he walked down to the river bank, just to thwart my intent and have a good laugh. I guess it's good that He watches me like that. I should have taken her picture with my phone along with the fish for show and tell, but I had to throw her back ;^)
And now for the fish...
What's in the above two photos is the Walleye I caught on Wednesday on a rattle trap. You can see that it's about twice as long as my size 12 and weighed over 5 Lb.
Below is a sample of the Small Mouth Bass I was catching on Thursday. I got about 15 of those on a Mepps Bucktail #2. And below that, is another Walleye I got Thursday that weighed about 2 LB, also on a Mepps Bucktail.
I'm not sure how much the lesbian weighed, but it might have been fun wrestling with her. She looked pretty tough, probably would have kicked my ass. Odd how I found a masculine woman attractive is it not? There is some weird, twisted message in that which needs decoding I think. Hmmm.
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