Thirteen Days Until Spring

We are getting close. Spring is at hand. I offer you evidence.

The little white flowers are snow drops. There is also the greenery of daffodils and hyacinth yet to come, but it will not be long.

I got my fishing license yesterday and did some fishing. I did not catch anything. I think the water is still too cold, but it was good to get out. There was also considerable insect activity and some small amphibians about. Canada geese seem to have paired off and other migratory birds seem to have arrived. The red winged black birds are back and I may have mentioned I saw bluebirds. Once the turkey vultures and orioles arrive, it should be time to start the mower...I am really looking forward to that. Ya, right.

Walleye is also back at Culver's. Had some yesterday. I might get some more today. I love me some deep fried walleye with fries. Mmmmmmm!

I think the animals sense the season change too. I captured two more raccoons; one on Sunday and one on Monday as pictured below. Forgot to set the trap last night. I doubt I'm done. You would think my owl would be feasting on these critters so I don't have to trap them and take them to Yellow Banks, but no. He would rather sit in a tree and hoot at me all night. Anyway, here are the coons.

I would like to relocate all my rodents and marsupials to Yellow Banks. I suppose they serve some purpose in creation. They just need to do it somewhere else and not under my deck. Someone said they were cute. You have no idea how crabby a raccoon or opossum can be. It might be why the owl prefers mice. They just don't struggle as much.

Daylight savings time arrives this weekend; Sunday morning, the 12th at 2:00 AM to be precise. We all 'spring forward' and lose an hour of sleep. My advice is to just reset your clocks on Saturday morning, the 11th, and act like that's the actual time, then you will go to bed an hour earlier and not notice the loss quite so much. These temporal anomalies can mess up your circadian rhythms if you're not careful. We are all diurnal beings and we all require a certain amount of sleep. Loss of an hour can have an impact that you pay for all the rest of the week. You say you will take a nap. That can mess things up too. Be careful. That's all I'm saying. You could find yourself in an alternate time line where you will be crabby all week. Do not let your 'spring forward' throw you into another reality. It can be hard to find your way back.

I have an official retirement date. We are looking at May 1, 2017.

So then what? We will see. Let the adventure begin.


 

Grief

Today at church I was approached by a brave young man that dared hand me a booklet about grief because of the recent loss of my father. He may have done so as part of a church program, but I still admire his courage at being willing to approach a battle weary, tired and somewhat cynical and surly old Christian about an issue that we must all deal with at one time or another.

My initial thought was, "oh great, another book. All my life people have been handing me books and pamphlets to help me solve my personal problems and issues. Here's another one to throw on the pile. It probably won't work either."

And you have no idea how true this is. My biggest life issues have been my battles with depression and my daily, even hourly, SSA temptations. My life has been one long fight with these things and with God over the solutions. More about that some other time....or maybe not.

Grief however, was never a major issue for me, either now or in the past, because I spent so much time trying to kill my feelings and emotions over the other two things. I may have needed to grieve many things, but I always tried to kill those emotions because I needed all my strength to fight more important things.

I have buried grandparents, aunts and uncles and even my Mom. I miss them all and I did grieve when they left me to go be with Jesus. I especially miss my Mom. That one hurt in many ways and one of them was the grief of what she left me with. Five years and nine months ago she left me with my father. Despite his insistence to the contrary, I knew he would never be able to live alone. He had dementia, he had epilepsy, he had a-fibrillation of the heart. Some call it congestive heart failure. He could not be trusted to take his meds or he would take them at the wrong time or he would take too much. He could not pay his own bills. He could not grocery shop. And there was not much he could cook for himself besides instant oatmeal and Stouffer's macaroni and cheese. So I moved in with him to help him with all those things while I continued to work full time.

It was a long and wearying road. His stubbornness and continuing mental decline was quite painful to watch and experience, but I had help from an unlikely place; someone else that my Mom had left to both of us. It was a little 40 lb Wheaten Terrier named Oliver. He was still a crazy puppy when Mom left us and he did not adjust well to her absence. He chewed up quite a bit of furniture before he fully matured and Dad wanted to get rid of him. I remember advising Dad at the time that he would need that dog and that's about how it happened. Oliver served to help Dad focus and keep him active. He came to love Oliver and Oliver loved him. I too loved the little dog.

It was my thought, after Dad died, that I would have Oliver to keep me company for many years. This was not to be. Two weeks before Dad died, Oliver got sick. When the vet saw the symptoms, he knew almost immediately that it was a genetic and inevitably fatal disease common to Wheatens. He tried to treat it, but his attempts failed. A week after Dad died, I had to have Oliver euthanized because he was suffering so much and getting progressively weaker.  And so then I was alone.

The question remains, did I grieve? Or grieve properly? The answer I have will anger many and cause them to see me as an ungrateful child. Others will be sad for me. And a handful will understand what I am about to say.

I have mentioned this before. My father and I never had much of a relationship in our life together. It was always more like we were brothers in competition and not father and son. I did discover before he passed that I did love him. The quality of that love is strained though by the fact that I have been grieving for both of us long before Dad ever died.

I grieved and grieve the loss of what could have been. I have grieved because I never knew if he loved me. He would do things for me that fathers do, but we never talked. He was unable to express his feelings to me or toward me. It was like we were from two different planets by the time I was a teenager.

I was sad most of my early life because I wanted my Daddy back; the one the wrestled with me and tickled me when I was two, that taught me how to tie my shoes when I was three and brought me a half a gallon of chocolate milk from the place he worked.

I'm not sure when it happened or maybe I am and I don't want to talk about it, but there is something that separated us. A wall went up and by the time I was four years old, he was resenting me and I was not liking him very much either. I can't describe how that felt and I wish I knew why we could not fix it, but we never did.

I firmly believe this played a part in my other life issues; the depression and the SSA and all the other crap including a strained relationship with my heavenly Father; something He and I are only now working out. I hope we have more time before He takes me too.

All that brings me to this. It was in my mind after Mom died that this would be a time where Dad and I could work out our differences and I could be of help to him at the same time. It never really happened that way though. We did get closer, but he would always fight me when I tried to help him make rational decisions about things. I came to believe that he did develop a deeper appreciation for me before the end, but I am not sure of that. The bottom line is that's all a son ever wants from his father - approval and appreciation. It was never really forthcoming and it was all very frustrating and dissatisfying.

So my grief for Dad is over our lack of relationship and love and friendship. I have grief, but I also have guilt. I feel like I bear some responsibility for the failure and in some ways, I'm sure I do. But the thing I feel the most guilt and grief about is this.

I do not miss him. I am not sorry he is dead. I am relieved that he is gone.

It was all made worse when I realized after I lost Oliver that I missed him and wanted him back. I missed my dog, but not my Dad.

Talk about guilt and grief.

As my friend often says, "it is what it is."

I do not know if I can work through this in any satisfactory way. Dad and I are just a mess. I believe there was something messy about him before I was ever born. In some ways, his pain became mine.

Dennis and I are alike in many ways. Something I learned by living with him these last 5 years and nine months. We are both stubborn and refuse to admit when we are wrong.

I still may have time to correct this in my life with the help of the Lord. Maybe I can do it for both of us.            

Anyway, thanks Tim for the book. Page 21 and 22 hit home. If they hadn't, none of this would have come out. I hope the boil has been lanced and healing can commence now. Let's see how it goes. Apparently I have three more books coming.

State Sanctioned Marriage

I have long maintained that the state should not have the power to license or regulate marriage. Marriage, as a human institution, preceded the state and even the church and organized religion by thousands of years. The right and power of marriage rightly belongs to the people getting married. No priest, pastor or rabbi or county clerk should need to be involved except by choice of the couple marrying. If you are Christian or some other faith, you should submit to what your faith group deems right....unless you disagree with it. If that's the case, it might be time to change up churches or whatever. What about divorce? It would become a simple dissolution of a contract.

Alabama is on the verge of history. No more state issued licenses for marriage. I guess that will resolve any more gay marriage issues. There won't be any. According to The Tenth Amendment Center:

An Alabama bill that would abolish marriage licenses in the state, and effectively nullify in practice both major sides of the contentious national debate over government-sanctioned marriage, unanimously passed an important Senate committee last week.

Sen. Greg Albritton (R-Bay Minette) filed Senate Bill 20 (SB20) earlier this month. The legislation would abolish all requirements to obtain a marriage license in Alabama. Instead, probate judges would simply record civil contracts of marriage between two individuals based on signed affidavits.

“All requirements to obtain a marriage license by the State of Alabama are hereby abolished and repealed. The requirement of a ceremony of marriage to solemnized the marriage is abolished.”

The Senate Judiciary Committee passed SB20 9-0 on Feb. 23.

The proposed law would maintain a few state requirements governing marriage. Minors between the ages of 16 and 18 would have to obtain parental permission before marrying, the state would not record a marriage if either party was already married, and the parties could not be related by blood or adoption as already stipulated in state law.

Civil or religious ceremonies would have no legal effect upon the validity of the marriage. The state would only recognize the legal contract signed by the two parties entering into the marriage.

I like it. I hope they can get the bill passed. So let it be written, so let it be done. Get the state out of the marriage bed forever.

Varmint Patrol

Two varmints in two days released live and unharmed at Yellow Banks County Park where they lived happily ever after. Raccoon and Opossum. The raccoon bent up the trap in several places. He was a tough customer. He seemed nice enough in person though, and was glad to be freed.

Dinner Last Night Was Delicious!

I ate most of it.

Marriage

I know what you're thinking.

"What does an aging, celibate, gay Christian know about marriage?"

Would that summarize what's on your mind? Thought so.

The short answer to that question is that I know enough to stay as far away from it as possible. Trouble is, the short answer never satisfies, so here I go....

It was suggested to me by a good and trusted, but naive straight male Christian friend on Wednesday, that I should marry. He even knew who that woman, yes woman...should be. And while it turns out that woman is also a very good friend of mine, the answer is "no, no, no".

Let me be clear here. I love my straight male Christian friend.

I do not believe my good and trusted straight male Christian friend had any malicious intent. He saw that I and my female friend were both alone and, in his mind, unnecessarily so. He knew how much we already loved and respected each other, how we think alike, how we care about many of the same things. And this is all true, but it omits much about both me and my female friend that needs to be said here, as well as some basic principles that I think are important if one is to marry another. If I get this wrong, feel free to correct me. You know that will fail, but you can try. My mind has changed about many things over the years. Keep in mind though, only God could do it. I say that because I love y'all...:^)

Why do people marry? You can say, love, companionship, desire for family and children of one's own, union with another, security, community and on and on and on. But as Paul says, it is better to marry than to burn with desire. Most Christian folks get married because it's the only way God will sanction sexual activity. Get real my Christian brethren. You know that's why 99% of you got married. Sex is a big deal to most folks, even Christians.

And you know what? There is nothing wrong with that. Screwin and makin babies is what Christian married couples should do and are supposed to do. Have at it.

Trouble is...even if I was married to a woman, I could not do that. It would not be part of any male female marriage I had because I can't. It ain't possible; not even with a bottle of Viagra and an hour of gay porn before hand. I just can't do it.

What woman of any age would marry me knowing that, even if she loved me? What kind of man would put his female friend through that, knowing that it was impossible to consummate such a marriage? It is not fair to either party.

And since sex if off the table here, is there any reason to marry my female friend? What's the point? Why could she not live with me, be my companion and my confidant and roommate if we so desired without the benefit of marriage?

Y'all are a mess, I tell you what . What do you think is gonna happen? Do you think I will suddenly change my mind by being in mere proximity to a woman. It does not work that way people!!! I am hard wired to be a homo. I am not proud of that fact. It just is what it is. And if proximity had anything to do with sexual behavior none of you would have been virgins on your wedding day and probably most of you were not anyway. But I digress and judge others...sorry.

Seriously though, what is the point of marrying if there's no sex? You fear how it looks don't you? You are concerned about what people will think, even when you know sex would not be possible.

Y'all are seriously broken, but it does not matter.

Me and my female friend like living alone and apart from each other. Yes, we like it. Unlike you married nut jobs wonderful people, that can't stand to be alone, when we get tired of each other, we can separate to our own homes and live in peace and quiet. Our favorite town is Solitude. It's quiet and there is no one there to interfere with our peace. When we need to engage with others and each other, we do.

Now you're a bit envious aren't you? Thought so.

So, no, I will not be marrying my friend or any other female friend barring a miracle. Ain't gonna happen. Doesn't need to. Got it? Probably not, but I will settle for your reticent acceptance.

One more thing. Just so you know. When I came out of the closet at church, all the single women at church took a big sigh of relief. The pressure was off. People quit pushing them in my direction. Why? Because they knew it no longer mattered.

I am not marriage material. Are we clear on that? Good. Time for bed. Big day tomorrow. And if I hurt your feelings well, it was probably not the first time and it will not be the last. I'm sorry about that. I just want you to understand. Marriage does not equal happiness for everyone. And come to think about it, it does not always bring happiness to married people either.

Alone is my natural state. If I want company, I will give you a call. Even so, I love you. Now go away.

Let me leave you with this...

I Corinthians 7:26-28

26 Because of the present crisis, I think that it is good for a man to remain as he is. 27 Are you pledged to a woman? Do not seek to be released. Are you free from such a commitment? Do not look for a wife. 28 But if you do marry, you have not sinned; and if a virgin marries, she has not sinned. But those who marry will face many troubles in this life, and I want to spare you this.

Hey, Paul said it under inspiration. He was not a married man. Divorced maybe. Whatever.

Getting married will not make me not gay OK? It will not make me straight. If that is the only way I will be acceptable, then maybe I should move elsewhere. I do not want to, but if you cannot accept me as I am, as God Himself made me, then maybe it's time.

I can have a platonic relationship with any number of females. I have that. But I can only be what I was made to be. My Designer never said it would be easy. Bringing glory to God through one's disability seldom is. But I know He loves me as I am. Please join Him. He loves you too, even though you are bent and broken. Let's go to heaven together. OK?

See ya in church. I love you.

JLB

MITCH MCVICKER -- YOU ARE ALL

Listen to the words. Mitch sings it the way Richard wrote it. The Lord is All we will ever need.