I've been doing physical therapy for my neck issues (cervical spondylosis). It's going well. I thought at first that I would be creeped out by a stranger touching me, but Kristen, my physical therapist, seems uniquely skilled to deal with me. I'm not sure what it is, but she puts me completely at ease, even though she sometimes causes me pain.
It was kind of a trick. She started out easy and then slowly ramped up the exercises. I have equipment for home use; a yoga strap, two tennis balls velcroed together and a couple of rubber strips. These are all used in my homework exercises. It's amazing how muscles I never knew I had are waking up and feeling sore. It's all designed to force other muscles in my body to take some of the load off my neck. It seems to be working.
She also applies pressure with her hands and fingers to certain points on both sides of my neck. At my last two appointments, I received ultra-sound treatments to my neck and shoulder muscles. This is my favorite thing. It feels kind of warm and slippery and I can feel the heat deep in the tissue of my neck and shoulders.
I wonder if I should consider some other forms of therapy like maybe some counseling. Not joking here. It couldn't hurt right? We will see.
Tuesday, November 5, 2019
Monday, October 28, 2019
Looking Into The Abyss
Solitude is difficult. Spending time alone can be miserable. Emptiness overshadows us and surrounds us like a dark abyss that threatens to devour our souls. Most of us humans just hate this. We hate being alone. Even I tire of it and I love me some solitude. But someone I met many years ago wrote that it's OK to be lonely as long as you are free.
So how does that work? How can we make loneliness and emptiness and that dry ache of neediness work to our advantage?
There are many ways we can distract ourselves from our solitary lives. We can seek to fill the empty spaces with many things. Sexual immorality, drinking, drugs, sensationalist endeavors, pornography, social media. But do these really work? Are they lasting? From my experience I can tell you that these things do not fill the gap. They are temporary bandages on a ever gaping wound. So what's the answer?
I think we need to stare into that abyss, feel the pain and the misery and the emptiness that is loneliness and try to meet Jesus in that place so that He can fill it up. He will show us a way out, but we need to endure that pain in that process. It's the pain of the old self dying it's death. It's the pain felt as we dismiss old habits. It's like a period of mourning for what we are giving up to eventually gain something better. We have to let these things die and pass out of our lives so we can go where Jesus wants to take us in this life and the next.
Frederick Buechner said, "Our calling is where our greatest need and our greatest joy intersect." Jesus can help us find that intersection, but we have to be willing to meet Him in that awful abyss first, then let Him take up our pain and lead us there. Once we are aware of that calling, we can begin to thrive. We will truly be free. Loneliness may or may not be over, but it will bring a harvest of joy that makes it all much more tolerable.
Galatians 5:1
It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.
So where are you at today? Yes, I've been staring into that abyss. It's not as deep and dark as I thought it was.
So how does that work? How can we make loneliness and emptiness and that dry ache of neediness work to our advantage?
There are many ways we can distract ourselves from our solitary lives. We can seek to fill the empty spaces with many things. Sexual immorality, drinking, drugs, sensationalist endeavors, pornography, social media. But do these really work? Are they lasting? From my experience I can tell you that these things do not fill the gap. They are temporary bandages on a ever gaping wound. So what's the answer?
I think we need to stare into that abyss, feel the pain and the misery and the emptiness that is loneliness and try to meet Jesus in that place so that He can fill it up. He will show us a way out, but we need to endure that pain in that process. It's the pain of the old self dying it's death. It's the pain felt as we dismiss old habits. It's like a period of mourning for what we are giving up to eventually gain something better. We have to let these things die and pass out of our lives so we can go where Jesus wants to take us in this life and the next.
Frederick Buechner said, "Our calling is where our greatest need and our greatest joy intersect." Jesus can help us find that intersection, but we have to be willing to meet Him in that awful abyss first, then let Him take up our pain and lead us there. Once we are aware of that calling, we can begin to thrive. We will truly be free. Loneliness may or may not be over, but it will bring a harvest of joy that makes it all much more tolerable.
Galatians 5:1
It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.
So where are you at today? Yes, I've been staring into that abyss. It's not as deep and dark as I thought it was.
Sunday, October 27, 2019
When God Says 'No' - An Extreme Case
The preacher had been talking about prayer for a few Sundays now. Today was no different. He started by asking, "If Jesus were standing up here in front of you today, what would you most want to ask Him for?"
It was about then that my face started leaking. I hate crying in church. I always feel weakened and exposed, then suddenly everyone knows. I have a heart and I have issues. It burns holes in my pride and embarrasses me. It shouldn't, but it does. I like to appear stoic; unaffected by what I might feel. Able to control it, to put it into it's place and let it die. That was not on the schedule today.
It was supposed to be a sermon about prayer requests and petitions to God, but it turned a bit ugly for me. I was having flashbacks of anger and guilt and shame. I was feeling unforgiven. It was as though there were still issues that remained outstanding between me and my Creator.
I have, on occasion, felt this way before. I don't recall that it ever brought tears, but the vile voices of doubt, blame and regret have rung loud and clear in my life at various times. It's stinkin thinkin according to an old friend, but when it takes hold, it can ruin a day, a week or even a year or a decade.
So how would I answer the question? I really don't have to answer it because Jesus knows exactly what I would ask. It's what I used to ask frequently as a teenager and as a young man. I asked for it in the midst of my sin and also after the time of sin had passed. It's the same request I quit making somewhere around my 30th birthday because I was so angry about it. It's the thing that separated us, that drove a wedge in our relationship. It's the thing that, as I believed at the time, destroyed all my dreams. It caused me to give up hope. It caused me to cease communication with Him. I was mad.
My thinking back then was that prayer does not work, or more correctly, it does not work when the request is for myself. I know this is wrong now, but back then, I just wanted relief. I wanted to be normal (whatever that is). Like Pinocchio, I just wanted to be a real boy. I did not want to be this wretched thing that was a pariah in the Church and a joke outside of the Church.
I did not choose to be gay. I did not want these same sex sexual attractions. I prayed to the Lord for relief even in the time I was acting out. It seemed then that my only answer from Him was silence. I blamed Him. I asked Him, why did You make me this way? Why is something I did not choose also a sin for me to participate in? Would you have me be alone all my life? How do I explain my lack of marital status? What kind of God are You?
It was painful. Much of my perspective back then was shaped by my solitude, an attitude of legalism and my unwillingness to work with Him on this. My thought was that He should just fix this if He does not want me to be gay. I did offer my celibacy after an 18 month dalliance with someone that understood what I was feeling. Strangely, the celibacy was not as hard as I thought it might be. The desire continued, but I no longer acted out. Of course, I thought I was doing it all myself.
"Look Dad. See what I can do. Can you fix me now?"
No. The answer was no.
That was unacceptable to me.
He was apparently unimpressed by my sexless life, my protests and my refusal to continue my pursuit of Him. I left His church and I quit talking to Him. I actually gave up on church rather early and quickly. I did not want to explain why I was such a freak of nature and then expect them to love me anyway. My pride conspired with everything else to work against me. I was like a toddler that holds his breath to get what he wants. I held my breath until I was 40 years old, but living in a spiritual desert that has no light can be exhausting and very cold. It was time to breathe again and feel the warmth of His presence.
He and I worked it out. I resumed a semblance of a prayer life and started again in a church, the same one that birthed me. I became a teacher. I have joked with various classes that the only reason I know anything about the Bible is because I spent 40 years looking for loopholes, but you know, it's not far from the truth. Whatever.
17 years later, I came out of the closet at church before 300 of my brothers and sisters. It's the best thing I've ever done. Transparency is the ticket. And, at the risk of igniting my pride, I feel pretty solid over 40+ years of celibacy. I realize now that I did not do this by myself and also that it could have been much easier had I not been so arrogant about the broken flesh I was given to live in. But we live and learn. My stubbornness has worked against me and it has also been a very useful tool in the hands of God. I still have too much pride, but God is helping to keep that in check. My banner today is similar to Paul's in 2 Corinthians 12:7b-10.
This morning, during the sermon, I had a flash of guilt and shame. Have I properly repented and submitted to His will? Am I still nursing a wound that scarred over and healed decades ago? Do I still have some repressed anger?
Maybe...I guess it's something I need to pray about.
It was about then that my face started leaking. I hate crying in church. I always feel weakened and exposed, then suddenly everyone knows. I have a heart and I have issues. It burns holes in my pride and embarrasses me. It shouldn't, but it does. I like to appear stoic; unaffected by what I might feel. Able to control it, to put it into it's place and let it die. That was not on the schedule today.
It was supposed to be a sermon about prayer requests and petitions to God, but it turned a bit ugly for me. I was having flashbacks of anger and guilt and shame. I was feeling unforgiven. It was as though there were still issues that remained outstanding between me and my Creator.
I have, on occasion, felt this way before. I don't recall that it ever brought tears, but the vile voices of doubt, blame and regret have rung loud and clear in my life at various times. It's stinkin thinkin according to an old friend, but when it takes hold, it can ruin a day, a week or even a year or a decade.
So how would I answer the question? I really don't have to answer it because Jesus knows exactly what I would ask. It's what I used to ask frequently as a teenager and as a young man. I asked for it in the midst of my sin and also after the time of sin had passed. It's the same request I quit making somewhere around my 30th birthday because I was so angry about it. It's the thing that separated us, that drove a wedge in our relationship. It's the thing that, as I believed at the time, destroyed all my dreams. It caused me to give up hope. It caused me to cease communication with Him. I was mad.
My thinking back then was that prayer does not work, or more correctly, it does not work when the request is for myself. I know this is wrong now, but back then, I just wanted relief. I wanted to be normal (whatever that is). Like Pinocchio, I just wanted to be a real boy. I did not want to be this wretched thing that was a pariah in the Church and a joke outside of the Church.
I did not choose to be gay. I did not want these same sex sexual attractions. I prayed to the Lord for relief even in the time I was acting out. It seemed then that my only answer from Him was silence. I blamed Him. I asked Him, why did You make me this way? Why is something I did not choose also a sin for me to participate in? Would you have me be alone all my life? How do I explain my lack of marital status? What kind of God are You?
It was painful. Much of my perspective back then was shaped by my solitude, an attitude of legalism and my unwillingness to work with Him on this. My thought was that He should just fix this if He does not want me to be gay. I did offer my celibacy after an 18 month dalliance with someone that understood what I was feeling. Strangely, the celibacy was not as hard as I thought it might be. The desire continued, but I no longer acted out. Of course, I thought I was doing it all myself.
"Look Dad. See what I can do. Can you fix me now?"
No. The answer was no.
That was unacceptable to me.
He was apparently unimpressed by my sexless life, my protests and my refusal to continue my pursuit of Him. I left His church and I quit talking to Him. I actually gave up on church rather early and quickly. I did not want to explain why I was such a freak of nature and then expect them to love me anyway. My pride conspired with everything else to work against me. I was like a toddler that holds his breath to get what he wants. I held my breath until I was 40 years old, but living in a spiritual desert that has no light can be exhausting and very cold. It was time to breathe again and feel the warmth of His presence.
He and I worked it out. I resumed a semblance of a prayer life and started again in a church, the same one that birthed me. I became a teacher. I have joked with various classes that the only reason I know anything about the Bible is because I spent 40 years looking for loopholes, but you know, it's not far from the truth. Whatever.
17 years later, I came out of the closet at church before 300 of my brothers and sisters. It's the best thing I've ever done. Transparency is the ticket. And, at the risk of igniting my pride, I feel pretty solid over 40+ years of celibacy. I realize now that I did not do this by myself and also that it could have been much easier had I not been so arrogant about the broken flesh I was given to live in. But we live and learn. My stubbornness has worked against me and it has also been a very useful tool in the hands of God. I still have too much pride, but God is helping to keep that in check. My banner today is similar to Paul's in 2 Corinthians 12:7b-10.
Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. 8 Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. 9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.For God to work in our lives, we must become spiritually broken. It took God 40 years to break me. He never gave up. I'm glad He did not let me die in my arrogance and anger. I am so thankful for this and I praise His Name for His patience.
This morning, during the sermon, I had a flash of guilt and shame. Have I properly repented and submitted to His will? Am I still nursing a wound that scarred over and healed decades ago? Do I still have some repressed anger?
Maybe...I guess it's something I need to pray about.
Friday, October 18, 2019
Chosen Family
So what do you do when your family of origin (birth family) has past? Mom and Dad are gone. Siblings are far away or maybe you're an only child. Maybe you have never married for whatever the reason. Are you really alone? Or suppose for a minute that your family of origin has chosen to break ties with you over a lifestyle issue or that you have had to distance yourself from them because they no longer share the same family vision with you?
There are all kinds of reasons why someone might find themselves alone or without family to depend on. My own situation could be much more perilous than it is. I'm not married and that is by choice. I am an only child and my parents have passed away. I have extended family, but with few exceptions, none of them want a totally transparent relationship. They don't want the embarrassment of sharing or hearing about each other's junk; the stuff in life that we might share only with a wife or a husband. My parents were even this way. There was always this fear that if we shared our issues, something bad would happen or we might all begin to look bad in the eyes of our church or our superficial friendships.
So am I alone? Absolutely not.
When I became a Christian, I chose for myself another family. I did not realize at the time just how important that family would become. I am not alone because I have Christian friends; some I am very close to. Others I am not so close to, but most all of them know about what was once my deepest darkest secret. And they love me anyway. Imagine that. These spiritual friendships are the best and from my observation, they go far deeper than than the ties I had with my family of origin. Spiritual friends help us carry the burden, whatever that may be. The masks come off and the love flows. Jesus is among us to help us as we care for each other.
Christian friends and the Church in general - they are my chosen family.
Many people think that this idea of chosen family grew out of the LGBTQ community. As people would come out of the closet, they would find rejection by their family of origin and begin to build new families based on new friendships made with others like them.
The chosen family concept though, is really far older, by at least 2000 years, than what has happened in the gay community in the last 50 years.
In the early days of His ministry, Jesus' family, including His mother, were having trouble dealing with what Jesus was doing with His life. This is how Mark records it in his gospel. Mark 3:20, 21 and 31-35.
Jesus' birth family did not understand what was going on. They thought Jesus was crazy. They were going to take Him away. He was apparently embarrassing them by drawing attention and taking positions against the religious leadership of the time. Jesus would not cooperate with them. He made His break with His family then and there and He pointed toward His Chosen Family. It was a great day for the future Church.
Jesus takes it a step further in Matthew 10:37-39.
To one degree or another, all the apostles came to experience this. Paul did not even have a wife or children, mostly because the nature of his missionary work made that impossible. He did, however, build strong family ties in the churches that he established. His relationship with the Ephesian church and elders was particularly strong as revealed in the book of Acts. He also trained young men as evangelists, that he considered his sons, to serve with him in ministry. Timothy and Titus come to mind, but I am sure there were many others. Paul chose his family. It was the family of God; the Church.
People will tell you that you can choose what you have for lunch and you can choose your friends, but you can't choose your family. Jesus blew that last one right out of the water and I'm glad he did.
If you're interested in more info on Chosen Family from a gay Christian perspective, check out this link to Your Other Brothers. It will lead you to a podcast on this very subject. It's what inspired me to write this blog post. The podcast is almost two hours long. The meat of it is in the second hour. Just skip forward and enjoy the discussion. The whole thing is worth a listen though. These guys are great. I like to listen to them when I drive. My truck has Bluetooth, so I pull up the podcast on my phone and listen to it through my truck speakers as I drive to the next fishing spot.
Later Brother.
There are all kinds of reasons why someone might find themselves alone or without family to depend on. My own situation could be much more perilous than it is. I'm not married and that is by choice. I am an only child and my parents have passed away. I have extended family, but with few exceptions, none of them want a totally transparent relationship. They don't want the embarrassment of sharing or hearing about each other's junk; the stuff in life that we might share only with a wife or a husband. My parents were even this way. There was always this fear that if we shared our issues, something bad would happen or we might all begin to look bad in the eyes of our church or our superficial friendships.
So am I alone? Absolutely not.
When I became a Christian, I chose for myself another family. I did not realize at the time just how important that family would become. I am not alone because I have Christian friends; some I am very close to. Others I am not so close to, but most all of them know about what was once my deepest darkest secret. And they love me anyway. Imagine that. These spiritual friendships are the best and from my observation, they go far deeper than than the ties I had with my family of origin. Spiritual friends help us carry the burden, whatever that may be. The masks come off and the love flows. Jesus is among us to help us as we care for each other.
Christian friends and the Church in general - they are my chosen family.
Many people think that this idea of chosen family grew out of the LGBTQ community. As people would come out of the closet, they would find rejection by their family of origin and begin to build new families based on new friendships made with others like them.
The chosen family concept though, is really far older, by at least 2000 years, than what has happened in the gay community in the last 50 years.
In the early days of His ministry, Jesus' family, including His mother, were having trouble dealing with what Jesus was doing with His life. This is how Mark records it in his gospel. Mark 3:20, 21 and 31-35.
20 Then Jesus entered a house, and again a crowd gathered, so that he and his disciples were not even able to eat. 21 When his family[b] heard about this, they went to take charge of him, for they said, “He is out of his mind.”
31 Then Jesus’ mother and brothers arrived. Standing outside, they sent someone in to call him. 32 A crowd was sitting around him, and they told him, “Your mother and brothers are outside looking for you.” 33 “Who are my mother and my brothers?” he asked.
34 Then he looked at those seated in a circle around him and said, “Here are my mother and my brothers! 35 Whoever does God’s will is my brother and sister and mother.”
Jesus' birth family did not understand what was going on. They thought Jesus was crazy. They were going to take Him away. He was apparently embarrassing them by drawing attention and taking positions against the religious leadership of the time. Jesus would not cooperate with them. He made His break with His family then and there and He pointed toward His Chosen Family. It was a great day for the future Church.
Jesus takes it a step further in Matthew 10:37-39.
37 “Anyone who loves their father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves their son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. 38 Whoever does not take up their cross and follow me is not worthy of me. 39 Whoever finds their life will lose it, and whoever loses their life for my sake will find it.Once we choose our new family, things can get rough. Jesus knew that choosing faith and His Church over whatever it was that we knew before could result in separation from our families of origin. If we are called to serve Christ's kingdom in a particular way that may separate us from our birth family, then we have to learn to deal with that.There can be family tension that develops and estrangement may follow.
To one degree or another, all the apostles came to experience this. Paul did not even have a wife or children, mostly because the nature of his missionary work made that impossible. He did, however, build strong family ties in the churches that he established. His relationship with the Ephesian church and elders was particularly strong as revealed in the book of Acts. He also trained young men as evangelists, that he considered his sons, to serve with him in ministry. Timothy and Titus come to mind, but I am sure there were many others. Paul chose his family. It was the family of God; the Church.
People will tell you that you can choose what you have for lunch and you can choose your friends, but you can't choose your family. Jesus blew that last one right out of the water and I'm glad he did.
If you're interested in more info on Chosen Family from a gay Christian perspective, check out this link to Your Other Brothers. It will lead you to a podcast on this very subject. It's what inspired me to write this blog post. The podcast is almost two hours long. The meat of it is in the second hour. Just skip forward and enjoy the discussion. The whole thing is worth a listen though. These guys are great. I like to listen to them when I drive. My truck has Bluetooth, so I pull up the podcast on my phone and listen to it through my truck speakers as I drive to the next fishing spot.
Later Brother.
Saturday, October 12, 2019
Jeff and Jonah
I have found over the years of my perusal of the scriptures that I identify most often with some of the Old Testament prophets. Jeremiah was kind of whiny and depressive and I often wondered how his scribe, Baruch, got through a work day or what he said to his wife about Jeremiah when he got home.
Hands down though, I think I most identify with Jonah. He was constantly resisting what God laid before him and was even somewhat resentful of the outcome, even if it saved thousands of people from destruction. Jonah did not always get the bigger picture. Even though he was God's instrument (tool might be a better word) to preach repentance to foreigners and enemies of Israel, he could not see why God might offer them a second chance. Jonah was truly grieved when his preaching was successful and the people of Nineveh turned away from their sins and unbelief. God could have sent any prophet to do what He called Jonah to do, but He did not. God had stuff to teach Jonah while Jonah was teaching the Ninevites.
Of all Jonah's personal flaws, I think the one we share is resistance to doing what needs to be done. Jonah and I would rather run away than pursue God's will and when we finally do so, we both would tend to sit around and complain about it.
This is what I have been doing in my life. Running from the inevitable. Procrastinating. Hiding.
Lately I have been obsessed with my death and preparing for it. Mind you, I am not suicidal. I just came to the conclusion that I have done everything I was supposed to do and so I should prepare. To most of you normies out there, the morosity and morbid nature of such thoughts is foreign. Not to me. I tend toward the gloomy on a good day. It's probably why I enjoy the Addams Family. There is humor in the sullen and morose things of life. There is also practicality...but I digress. In keeping with my Addamsesque attitude, I gave one of my funeral songs to the pastor on Sunday and this week I visited the cemetery to see which kind of stone I should get for my grave? Do I want a flat one, level with the ground to avoid causing distress to the lawnmower man or do I want a raised one? Should it be black or red granite? So many choices and things to consider....a polished black stone level with the ground of course...right next to Dennis and Laurie, my parents. And yes, I already own the adjacent plots - two - like there was going to be someone else joining me in death...but again I digress.
About this time came the unbidden thought that I should really be talking to someone about this obsession with my doom. After one unsuccessful attempt, I got in touch with a pastor at my church and we talked. I think we decided first that my death was not immanent as I had been thinking. We also discussed the fact that head stone shopping should probably be among the last things on my death prep list. And really, if I'm getting cremated, why not sell the plots, forgo the headstone and let my heirs dismiss my ashes at a later date in a place of their choosing. I won't care. I will be dead.
Further to the point, perhaps I need to reorder my priorities. It's true that I will probably die sooner rather than later. I'm 62. How much time could possibly be left? It remains to be seen. What I need to do is focus on closing issues that are currently open in my life. I need to deal with the dissolution of my deceased parents property and close that chapter. I have literally been avoiding this for three years for reasons I cannot seem to wrap my mind around (until today) and for which I have actually been too proud to discuss with anyone or ask for input.
So, fast forward to this morning, I went over to my parents house to be sure the heat, such as it is, was working because the outside temps are dropping. Things seemed to be in order when I got inside. There was not frost on the counter tops and that's when it hit me and hard.
I have been running away from this task of selling off this property because I am in grief and I am also angry.
It finally hit me today that my parents are dead and they are not coming back, and that I am alone. The tears rolled. I may have made some wailing noises. Then there was anger. In life, they were always leaving me somewhere and sometimes, especially in my teen years, I would be left completely alone. In the past, they would always eventually come back...but this last time they left, it was the last time. I will not see them again this side of heaven.
And every freakin time I walk into that house....everything...everything reminds me of them and I see a mess I did not create that was never supposed to be my problem staring me in the face.
It's good they aren't coming back. There would be a fight....right after I hugged them and told them how much I love them and missed them.. but I digress.
As Jonah would probably tell me now, running away does not does not help. Neither does being unhappy with the outcome of situations over which you have no control. We just have to deal with them and move forward despite any pain we might be feeling about it. I guess maybe my death obsession has been about avoiding the reality of what needs to be done. Being an only child is tougher than you think. But I digress...
How was your week?
Hands down though, I think I most identify with Jonah. He was constantly resisting what God laid before him and was even somewhat resentful of the outcome, even if it saved thousands of people from destruction. Jonah did not always get the bigger picture. Even though he was God's instrument (tool might be a better word) to preach repentance to foreigners and enemies of Israel, he could not see why God might offer them a second chance. Jonah was truly grieved when his preaching was successful and the people of Nineveh turned away from their sins and unbelief. God could have sent any prophet to do what He called Jonah to do, but He did not. God had stuff to teach Jonah while Jonah was teaching the Ninevites.
Of all Jonah's personal flaws, I think the one we share is resistance to doing what needs to be done. Jonah and I would rather run away than pursue God's will and when we finally do so, we both would tend to sit around and complain about it.
This is what I have been doing in my life. Running from the inevitable. Procrastinating. Hiding.
Lately I have been obsessed with my death and preparing for it. Mind you, I am not suicidal. I just came to the conclusion that I have done everything I was supposed to do and so I should prepare. To most of you normies out there, the morosity and morbid nature of such thoughts is foreign. Not to me. I tend toward the gloomy on a good day. It's probably why I enjoy the Addams Family. There is humor in the sullen and morose things of life. There is also practicality...but I digress. In keeping with my Addamsesque attitude, I gave one of my funeral songs to the pastor on Sunday and this week I visited the cemetery to see which kind of stone I should get for my grave? Do I want a flat one, level with the ground to avoid causing distress to the lawnmower man or do I want a raised one? Should it be black or red granite? So many choices and things to consider....a polished black stone level with the ground of course...right next to Dennis and Laurie, my parents. And yes, I already own the adjacent plots - two - like there was going to be someone else joining me in death...but again I digress.
About this time came the unbidden thought that I should really be talking to someone about this obsession with my doom. After one unsuccessful attempt, I got in touch with a pastor at my church and we talked. I think we decided first that my death was not immanent as I had been thinking. We also discussed the fact that head stone shopping should probably be among the last things on my death prep list. And really, if I'm getting cremated, why not sell the plots, forgo the headstone and let my heirs dismiss my ashes at a later date in a place of their choosing. I won't care. I will be dead.
Further to the point, perhaps I need to reorder my priorities. It's true that I will probably die sooner rather than later. I'm 62. How much time could possibly be left? It remains to be seen. What I need to do is focus on closing issues that are currently open in my life. I need to deal with the dissolution of my deceased parents property and close that chapter. I have literally been avoiding this for three years for reasons I cannot seem to wrap my mind around (until today) and for which I have actually been too proud to discuss with anyone or ask for input.
So, fast forward to this morning, I went over to my parents house to be sure the heat, such as it is, was working because the outside temps are dropping. Things seemed to be in order when I got inside. There was not frost on the counter tops and that's when it hit me and hard.
I have been running away from this task of selling off this property because I am in grief and I am also angry.
It finally hit me today that my parents are dead and they are not coming back, and that I am alone. The tears rolled. I may have made some wailing noises. Then there was anger. In life, they were always leaving me somewhere and sometimes, especially in my teen years, I would be left completely alone. In the past, they would always eventually come back...but this last time they left, it was the last time. I will not see them again this side of heaven.
And every freakin time I walk into that house....everything...everything reminds me of them and I see a mess I did not create that was never supposed to be my problem staring me in the face.
It's good they aren't coming back. There would be a fight....right after I hugged them and told them how much I love them and missed them.. but I digress.
As Jonah would probably tell me now, running away does not does not help. Neither does being unhappy with the outcome of situations over which you have no control. We just have to deal with them and move forward despite any pain we might be feeling about it. I guess maybe my death obsession has been about avoiding the reality of what needs to be done. Being an only child is tougher than you think. But I digress...
How was your week?
Monday, October 7, 2019
Why Don't We Pray???
Why don't we Christians pray as often or as deeply as we should? The Bible commands it, we need it and God expects it, but we just don't do it, or we do it intermittently and shallowly. Why is that? What is it that stands in the way of this privilege we have been given to approach God's throne and speak to the King? Do we understand really what it is that we lose when we don't seek out our Lord in prayer? Prayer can loose supernatural power in our lives and the lives of others that is not available to those outside the Church. We miss out on so much when we do not pray. It is akin to leaving something on the table that is ours by right of inheritance. We are the King's family. He has cleared the way for us to draw near, but we back away from him in fear or intimidation and I have to wonder why that is.
We have begun to explore this issue at my local church and I am looking forward to it. I don't think my pastor needs my help or opinions about such things, but that never seems to stop me from meddling in the affairs of my betters ...perhaps I should pray about this before publication :) but I digress...
From my perspective, there are at least four reasons I can cite for why I have let my prayer privilege slip away from me in the past. Let's see how my list measures up with yours.
Reason One on my list may be unique to me and a few select others. To put it bluntly, I have "Daddy Issues". I know in our world that can mean many things, but here is what I'm getting at. Whether we know it or not, our relationship with our earthly fathers has a grave and deep bearing on how we relate to our heavenly father, most especially if we grow up in a Christian home. If Dad is a bully or a week leader or aloof in his parenting or outright abusive, some of us begin to apply these negative attributes to God. In life, if our Dad is bent in some way, we might begin to see God in the same way and develop a fear of pursuing Him. The truth of it, though, is way different. God is not like our earthly fathers. Any reason we might have to fear Him has been taken away by His Son in His sacrifice for us. God is free to love us and we are free to love Him and rest in His power to heal us and build us up for our benefit and His purposes. This kind of love casts out fear. Prayer is integral to this process. more about that in a second...
Reason Two is inter-meshed with Reason One. If our experience with love at home is conditioned on behavior, we may come to view God's love through that same lens. The fact is that God's love is not conditional. His love for us is eternal. He knew who we would be from before the time of creation itself and He loved us anyway and made plans to save us from ourselves and His enemies. He loves us with such a reckless, raging fury that He was willing to allow His Own perfect Son to take our punishment for our behavior issues so that we can draw near to Him through prayer and faith. As long as we have even a shred of faith, our heavenly Father will do almost anything to make sure we live with Him forever. Again, the pursuit of prayer can allow us to connect with His power.
Reason Three has much to do with Reason Two. Conditional love at Church works in the same way it does at home. We feel rejected by our Church family when our lives do not meet the standards expected by our brothers and sisters in Christ. This inevitably leads to lack of transparency and pushes us away from both God and His Church. Legalism is not good. It does not change lives. It does not help us to draw near to God and seek his grace and support through prayer so that we develop the faith to stand. It can create a bitter, fear engendered reaction to the One that loves us the most, and so we slip away and we never really get to know Him as we should.
Reason Four is sin. Our behavior and all the things above can combine to work an evil in our lives that makes us question God's love and the love of our family and our church brethren. If we think God's love for us is conditional or that we are too weak to meet the behavior standards of family and church, Satan will eventually convince us of our uselessness and we will withdraw in defeat from prayer, from God and finally from His people.
Satan is not as stupid as you might think, but he can be defeated at his own game with some spiritual reeducation that can turn us all back into prayer warriors and God's Church into His right arm.
We have to drop our notions of conditional love and we have to realize the power of God's unconditional love for us. When we can finally do that, when we finally grasp this love that seems so out of reach, then we can do something about our relationship with Him and with others. That's why this next thing is so hard. We have to submit to the power of this love regardless of our current spiritual state. Submission is tough. Submission is not natural for us. Giving up control scares us. Even so, it's what's really required and there is only one way to do this.
Pray.
Pray with joy, with thanks, with pain, with concern, with intent, with faith, with repentance and His Spirit will intercede for us and take our concerns to Him who has the endless supply of grace needed to help turn our lives around, remaking us according to His will. Throw yourself on His altar and burn away all your preconceived notions and hangups and sins, then you can finally begin to live a victorious life. You will notice the change.
By the way...this is not a 'once and done' type thing. It's a lifelong adventure. There will be storms and deserts and earthquakes in your life. There will be temptation. You will fail. You will sometimes feel empty or devoid of anything spiritual. Spiritual trouble will abound. Take up your faith and pray anyway as you move forward. Approach the Throne of Grace with persistence, like your life depended on it, because it does. And every day that you wake up alive, rededicate yourself again to Jesus Christ. Keep your eyes on the prize. Remember, the Author and Perfecter of your faith is perfecting you and it might hurt. Probably will. That's how much He loves us.
One more thing for extra credit. Try writing a letter to God. This process can loosen you up for real and intense prayer. In your letter, vent your frustrations, make your requests, confess your sins, express your sorrows, repent, rededicate and submit to His power. Then pray the letter. Do it as many times as it takes. Later, maybe the week after, write a letter to yourself from God, remembering what you now know of His unconditional, reckless raging love and His unlimited grace. Then begin your pursuit of Him in earnest.
Whatever you do...just pray...leave the line open...lean on Him. He won't mind.
We have begun to explore this issue at my local church and I am looking forward to it. I don't think my pastor needs my help or opinions about such things, but that never seems to stop me from meddling in the affairs of my betters ...perhaps I should pray about this before publication :) but I digress...
From my perspective, there are at least four reasons I can cite for why I have let my prayer privilege slip away from me in the past. Let's see how my list measures up with yours.
Reason One on my list may be unique to me and a few select others. To put it bluntly, I have "Daddy Issues". I know in our world that can mean many things, but here is what I'm getting at. Whether we know it or not, our relationship with our earthly fathers has a grave and deep bearing on how we relate to our heavenly father, most especially if we grow up in a Christian home. If Dad is a bully or a week leader or aloof in his parenting or outright abusive, some of us begin to apply these negative attributes to God. In life, if our Dad is bent in some way, we might begin to see God in the same way and develop a fear of pursuing Him. The truth of it, though, is way different. God is not like our earthly fathers. Any reason we might have to fear Him has been taken away by His Son in His sacrifice for us. God is free to love us and we are free to love Him and rest in His power to heal us and build us up for our benefit and His purposes. This kind of love casts out fear. Prayer is integral to this process. more about that in a second...
Reason Two is inter-meshed with Reason One. If our experience with love at home is conditioned on behavior, we may come to view God's love through that same lens. The fact is that God's love is not conditional. His love for us is eternal. He knew who we would be from before the time of creation itself and He loved us anyway and made plans to save us from ourselves and His enemies. He loves us with such a reckless, raging fury that He was willing to allow His Own perfect Son to take our punishment for our behavior issues so that we can draw near to Him through prayer and faith. As long as we have even a shred of faith, our heavenly Father will do almost anything to make sure we live with Him forever. Again, the pursuit of prayer can allow us to connect with His power.
Reason Three has much to do with Reason Two. Conditional love at Church works in the same way it does at home. We feel rejected by our Church family when our lives do not meet the standards expected by our brothers and sisters in Christ. This inevitably leads to lack of transparency and pushes us away from both God and His Church. Legalism is not good. It does not change lives. It does not help us to draw near to God and seek his grace and support through prayer so that we develop the faith to stand. It can create a bitter, fear engendered reaction to the One that loves us the most, and so we slip away and we never really get to know Him as we should.
Reason Four is sin. Our behavior and all the things above can combine to work an evil in our lives that makes us question God's love and the love of our family and our church brethren. If we think God's love for us is conditional or that we are too weak to meet the behavior standards of family and church, Satan will eventually convince us of our uselessness and we will withdraw in defeat from prayer, from God and finally from His people.
Satan is not as stupid as you might think, but he can be defeated at his own game with some spiritual reeducation that can turn us all back into prayer warriors and God's Church into His right arm.
We have to drop our notions of conditional love and we have to realize the power of God's unconditional love for us. When we can finally do that, when we finally grasp this love that seems so out of reach, then we can do something about our relationship with Him and with others. That's why this next thing is so hard. We have to submit to the power of this love regardless of our current spiritual state. Submission is tough. Submission is not natural for us. Giving up control scares us. Even so, it's what's really required and there is only one way to do this.
Pray.
Pray with joy, with thanks, with pain, with concern, with intent, with faith, with repentance and His Spirit will intercede for us and take our concerns to Him who has the endless supply of grace needed to help turn our lives around, remaking us according to His will. Throw yourself on His altar and burn away all your preconceived notions and hangups and sins, then you can finally begin to live a victorious life. You will notice the change.
By the way...this is not a 'once and done' type thing. It's a lifelong adventure. There will be storms and deserts and earthquakes in your life. There will be temptation. You will fail. You will sometimes feel empty or devoid of anything spiritual. Spiritual trouble will abound. Take up your faith and pray anyway as you move forward. Approach the Throne of Grace with persistence, like your life depended on it, because it does. And every day that you wake up alive, rededicate yourself again to Jesus Christ. Keep your eyes on the prize. Remember, the Author and Perfecter of your faith is perfecting you and it might hurt. Probably will. That's how much He loves us.
One more thing for extra credit. Try writing a letter to God. This process can loosen you up for real and intense prayer. In your letter, vent your frustrations, make your requests, confess your sins, express your sorrows, repent, rededicate and submit to His power. Then pray the letter. Do it as many times as it takes. Later, maybe the week after, write a letter to yourself from God, remembering what you now know of His unconditional, reckless raging love and His unlimited grace. Then begin your pursuit of Him in earnest.
Whatever you do...just pray...leave the line open...lean on Him. He won't mind.
Tuesday, May 28, 2019
One Loose Pebble Can Cause an Avalanche
Or something like that....it's been and interesting day. This morning I was up at 6 AM. I had been fasting since yesterday in anticipation of my visit to the doctor today at 10 AM. I wake up slow. I have to stare off into space a bit until the brain has completed its reboot. After that, I hit the shower, brushed my teeth and took my atorvastatin (cholesterol medication). After drying and tending to my dermatologist induced wounds of May 13th, I checked my phone. At around 8 AM I received a call from the dermatologist. One of my biopsies came back as "inconclusive" for a disease called sarcoidosis.
I have never heard of this disease and I am wondering what it is, meanwhile the nurse at the dermatology clinic is telling me I need a chest x-ray in the next two weeks since the disease most often manifests on the skin, lungs and heart and less frequently the liver, kidneys and central nervous system. I told the nurse I was going to the doctor at 1000 AM and would she send this information immediately to my physician. And she did.
I had some time before I needed to leave, so like any hypochondriac with an Internet connection, I looked up sarcoidosis. The Wikipedia says this...
"Sarcoidosis is a disease involving abnormal collections of inflammatory cells that form lumps known as granulomas.[2]The disease usually begins in the lungs, skin, or lymph nodes.[2] Less commonly affected are the eyes, liver, heart, and brain.[2] Any organ, however, can be affected.[2] The signs and symptoms depend on the organ involved.[2] Often, no, or only mild, symptoms are seen.[2] "
And this....
"The cause of sarcoidosis is unknown.[2] Some believe it may be due to an immune reaction to a trigger such as an infection or chemicals in those who are genetically predisposed.[12][13] Those with affected family members are at greater risk.[4] Diagnosis is partly based on signs and symptoms, which may be supported by biopsy.[6]"
This is not the best news to wake up to, but it certainly changed my doctor's plans during my physical. Not only did I get the usual blood draw and poking and prodding at both ends; I also got an EKG and a chest x-ray. To this point, the only test results I have gotten came from the radiologist. His report said the following:
"Both lungs are expanded and clear and the cardiopulmonary structures and pleural surfaces overall appear unremarkable. There is minor prominence of the pulmonary artery conus regions, could reflect underlying pulmonary hypertension. No chest mass or adenopathy noted."
So based on what you see in Italics above, my doctor has referred me too a pulmonologist for a future appointment. I may end up getting PET scanned. We shall see. Meanwhile, I have to go back to the dermatologist on Monday so they can look for more granulomas on my skin.
All of this was caused by one inconclusive biopsy of a skin lesion. A lot of money is getting spent on something inconclusive. The worst part is that this disease is incurable and nearly untreatable, except with Prednisone which knocks down your immune system and keeps it from attacking your body. I have had that before in other situations. Not sure I am going to do that. It makes one puffy, causes weight gain and acne...it's a steroid. And since this disease seldom kills the victims, I may opt out of treatment.
The only good news today is that after a month of being off my blood pressure meds, my BP is still normal.
I think I'm fine. Let's see them try to make me sick
I have never heard of this disease and I am wondering what it is, meanwhile the nurse at the dermatology clinic is telling me I need a chest x-ray in the next two weeks since the disease most often manifests on the skin, lungs and heart and less frequently the liver, kidneys and central nervous system. I told the nurse I was going to the doctor at 1000 AM and would she send this information immediately to my physician. And she did.
I had some time before I needed to leave, so like any hypochondriac with an Internet connection, I looked up sarcoidosis. The Wikipedia says this...
"Sarcoidosis is a disease involving abnormal collections of inflammatory cells that form lumps known as granulomas.[2]The disease usually begins in the lungs, skin, or lymph nodes.[2] Less commonly affected are the eyes, liver, heart, and brain.[2] Any organ, however, can be affected.[2] The signs and symptoms depend on the organ involved.[2] Often, no, or only mild, symptoms are seen.[2] "
And this....
"The cause of sarcoidosis is unknown.[2] Some believe it may be due to an immune reaction to a trigger such as an infection or chemicals in those who are genetically predisposed.[12][13] Those with affected family members are at greater risk.[4] Diagnosis is partly based on signs and symptoms, which may be supported by biopsy.[6]"
This is not the best news to wake up to, but it certainly changed my doctor's plans during my physical. Not only did I get the usual blood draw and poking and prodding at both ends; I also got an EKG and a chest x-ray. To this point, the only test results I have gotten came from the radiologist. His report said the following:
"Both lungs are expanded and clear and the cardiopulmonary structures and pleural surfaces overall appear unremarkable. There is minor prominence of the pulmonary artery conus regions, could reflect underlying pulmonary hypertension. No chest mass or adenopathy noted."
So based on what you see in Italics above, my doctor has referred me too a pulmonologist for a future appointment. I may end up getting PET scanned. We shall see. Meanwhile, I have to go back to the dermatologist on Monday so they can look for more granulomas on my skin.
All of this was caused by one inconclusive biopsy of a skin lesion. A lot of money is getting spent on something inconclusive. The worst part is that this disease is incurable and nearly untreatable, except with Prednisone which knocks down your immune system and keeps it from attacking your body. I have had that before in other situations. Not sure I am going to do that. It makes one puffy, causes weight gain and acne...it's a steroid. And since this disease seldom kills the victims, I may opt out of treatment.
The only good news today is that after a month of being off my blood pressure meds, my BP is still normal.
I think I'm fine. Let's see them try to make me sick
Monday, May 27, 2019
Sunday, May 19, 2019
I Need a Helper Monkey
Last Monday I went to the dermatologist. I Had not been there since 2012 and I paid dearly for that lapse. When you are fair skinned and out in the sun a lot and when you do not wear sunscreen or at least forget to, a trip to the skin doctor can be a painful event. I had nine lesions removed from various places on my face and head, mostly left of center on the cheek and forehead, and one on the crown of my head. I also had suspicious growths on my left arm, on the middle of my back between my shoulder blades and my lower left leg. These were removed with a scalpel and sent to the lab. So far, no report back. That's good. If they don't call, that means the tests were negative.
Anyway, by Tuesday my face looked like it had been grazed by a light saber. I don't remember my acne making me look that bad as a teenager. They used liquid nitrogen in a spray can on my face. It was like getting stung by bees. In the days since, I have healed nicely. By this time next week, it should not be noticeable.
The places where a scalpel was used is a different story. These are healing more slowly. The surgical wounds look like they were made with a potato peeler - you know, the end you might use to dig out the potato eyes. Ya, like that.
For those wounds, I have had to change dressings (band-aids) daily, applying Bacitracin ointment. This was easy for the left arm and the back of the lower leg, but doing the one between my shoulder blades proved very difficult indeed.
I better understand the need for a life partner after this experience. A mate could have helped me with that place I can barely reach. Instead, I stood with my back to the bathroom mirror, holding a hand mirror in the air with my right hand so I could place the new band-aid on the wound with my left hand in the correct place.
Such a task should be in the battery of tests for drunk drivers. The only thing that could have made it more difficult would be a "standing on one foot" requirement. Maybe I will try that one in the morning since I've already had so much practice. If I fall down and break my neck, you will know how I died before my obit makes the morning paper.
Since I do not have a life partner or roommate or significant other to help me with such things, perhaps I should get a helper monkey. There are so many other things a helper monkey could do for me in addition to attending to my health care. He could get me a cold beverage from the fridge or get things from the top shelf of the kitchen cabinets or open hard to open bottles and jars. I could teach him how to dust furniture and pull weeds in the garden. He could clean the gutters and answer the door.
It might be fun to have a monkey. What could possibly go wrong?
Anyway, by Tuesday my face looked like it had been grazed by a light saber. I don't remember my acne making me look that bad as a teenager. They used liquid nitrogen in a spray can on my face. It was like getting stung by bees. In the days since, I have healed nicely. By this time next week, it should not be noticeable.
The places where a scalpel was used is a different story. These are healing more slowly. The surgical wounds look like they were made with a potato peeler - you know, the end you might use to dig out the potato eyes. Ya, like that.
For those wounds, I have had to change dressings (band-aids) daily, applying Bacitracin ointment. This was easy for the left arm and the back of the lower leg, but doing the one between my shoulder blades proved very difficult indeed.
I better understand the need for a life partner after this experience. A mate could have helped me with that place I can barely reach. Instead, I stood with my back to the bathroom mirror, holding a hand mirror in the air with my right hand so I could place the new band-aid on the wound with my left hand in the correct place.
Such a task should be in the battery of tests for drunk drivers. The only thing that could have made it more difficult would be a "standing on one foot" requirement. Maybe I will try that one in the morning since I've already had so much practice. If I fall down and break my neck, you will know how I died before my obit makes the morning paper.
Since I do not have a life partner or roommate or significant other to help me with such things, perhaps I should get a helper monkey. There are so many other things a helper monkey could do for me in addition to attending to my health care. He could get me a cold beverage from the fridge or get things from the top shelf of the kitchen cabinets or open hard to open bottles and jars. I could teach him how to dust furniture and pull weeds in the garden. He could clean the gutters and answer the door.
It might be fun to have a monkey. What could possibly go wrong?
Tuesday, May 7, 2019
A Good Day Fishing
Today I went to Redfield, Iowa and fished below the dam on the Middle Raccoon River. The fishing was better than expected. Here are a few examples. It was fun and relaxing. There is something about the sound of the water pouring over the dam that is very relaxing, even though it is loud.
 |
| Smallie |
 |
| Largemouth Bass |
 |
| Northern Pike |
 |
| Northern Pike |
 |
| Baby Walleye |
 |
| Smallie |
 |
| Snagged this carp in the tail |
The LGBT Sandwich
Marks and Spencer, a retail outlet store in the United Kingdom, is virtue signaling to social justice warriors just in time for Pride month in June. I believe it has already failed.
Yes, they've created the LGBT sandwich. Apparently LGBTQ rights groups are appalled that anyone would turn the pursuit of civil rights into a money making opportunity. “Shame on the good folks over at @marksandspencer for turning our culture and identity into a sandwich,” one woman wrote on Twitter. “Making an absolute mockery of lgbtq people.”
I think the whole thing is hilarious. I'm wondering if there will be a pro choice sandwich. Maybe Planned Parenthood Pastrami. We will see.
Yes, they've created the LGBT sandwich. Apparently LGBTQ rights groups are appalled that anyone would turn the pursuit of civil rights into a money making opportunity. “Shame on the good folks over at @marksandspencer for turning our culture and identity into a sandwich,” one woman wrote on Twitter. “Making an absolute mockery of lgbtq people.”
I think the whole thing is hilarious. I'm wondering if there will be a pro choice sandwich. Maybe Planned Parenthood Pastrami. We will see.
Monday, May 6, 2019
Rinse Out Your Mind With This
"I have swept away your offenses like a cloud, your sins like the morning mist. Return to me, for I have redeemed you."
Isaiah 44:22
Isaiah 44:22
I'm No Longer On Facebook
If you are looking for me on Facebook this morning, you will not find me there. I gave a brief warning last night prior to deleting my account and then I was off.
I had joined Facebook in September of last year so I could be part of a Facebook group for SSA Christians. I left the group two weeks ago for personal reasons and decided there was no reason to continue with FB either. Their censorship policies are annoying. Mark Zuckerberg is annoying and frankly, I think his platform is dying. I say that only because FB tends to be a 'boomer' platform and as we all know, boomers are facing extinction in the next two decades.
Whatever the case, I am out of it. I hope it stops my endless phone checking and constant worry about offending someone...actually, I never worry about that and that's part of the problem I suppose. So I will be leaving my offenses here from time to time. Please enjoy them in the spirit intended...if you can figure that out...sometimes I can't.
I had joined Facebook in September of last year so I could be part of a Facebook group for SSA Christians. I left the group two weeks ago for personal reasons and decided there was no reason to continue with FB either. Their censorship policies are annoying. Mark Zuckerberg is annoying and frankly, I think his platform is dying. I say that only because FB tends to be a 'boomer' platform and as we all know, boomers are facing extinction in the next two decades.
Whatever the case, I am out of it. I hope it stops my endless phone checking and constant worry about offending someone...actually, I never worry about that and that's part of the problem I suppose. So I will be leaving my offenses here from time to time. Please enjoy them in the spirit intended...if you can figure that out...sometimes I can't.
Reflections On My 40th Anniversary- To My Brethren and to the Leadership at the Rising Sun Church of Christ
Those
that know me will realize immediately that this is not about my 40
years of marriage. They will also know all too well that this is not
about my 40th birthday. No, this is one of those strange
anniversaries that only Jesus Christ can make possible. It is, in
many respects, a happy occasion for me, but it has also been a trail
of tears and suffering with more than a little spiritual and mental
anguish and loneliness.
It
was 40 years ago, at the age of 21 in May of 1979, that I said I
would never have sex again.
Prior
to that, it had been crisis time for me. I had come to grips with the
fact that I was same sex attracted and more and more I knew that this
was never going to change. My anger about this with my Creator was
indescribable. I rebelled in a big way. At the first opportunity, I
took up with a young man of nearly my own age and we were together
for about 18 months. At the end of it, which came at my graduation
from college, I said to myself that it would never happen again.
I
was in no condition, at that time, to be making vows. My faith was
exhausted; it was based on a flawed theology and a spiritual
condition that reflected more death than life. And even though I was
not talking to God in those days, He seemed to be reaching out to me,
protecting me and loving me as a father should. He protected me and
enabled my promise and helped me find my way back to His church. And
I know now, as surely as my hair is turning white, that He will bring
me to the finish line.
So
how do I celebrate such a strange and wonderful anniversary? With
thankfulness and gratitude to Jesus Christ who saved me all those
years ago and to some others. I want to thank the leadership of my
church and my brothers and sisters in Christ, my extended family and
my friends.
Indeed,
to all those that continue to accept me in fellowship as a brother
while knowing the best kept secret of my life, please know this. I
love you all more than you know and I would encourage you to continue
pushing yourselves to continually expand the borders of your grace
and love and most especially in the face of those that say you’ve
gone too far. Thanks so much my friends.
Saturday, January 12, 2019
Self Centered New Year's Resolutions
This time of year, there is much talk of new year’s resolutions for self improvement and self care. I think this is interesting from a Christian perspective. Where should our focus be?
Is self care a Christian concept? Well, yes and no. When we consider the idea, we have to think about the example and teachings of Jesus and the apostles. Striving for spiritual discipline was always more important in the New Testament. Worrying about how we look or even simple material needs was not on the docket.
We are such a bunch of brats. Jesus seemed to think that if we dress like flowers and eat like birds, that was enough. How did we get to this degree of shallowness? Perhaps a lack of spiritual discipline?
I think we do need to be concerned about our bodies. God gave them to us and we have a responsibility to them. The very reason I abstain from same sex sex is because our bodies are temples of God’s Spirit.
So how do we keep out temples clean, in good repair and serviceable for the Lord? Paul said this:
So is self care a Christian concept? If spiritual discipline is the goal, then yes; anything that enables us to serve Him and others to a greater degree. We must take up our crosses and deny ourselves. It’s a rough prescription, but we have to do it. I will not quote it here, but I would suggest a reading of Colossians 3:1-17 and Philippians 2:1-18.
In the end, it’s not about us. It’s about Jesus. If our “self care” and "self improvement" does not serve His purposes, then it is Christian malpractice.
Is self care a Christian concept? Well, yes and no. When we consider the idea, we have to think about the example and teachings of Jesus and the apostles. Striving for spiritual discipline was always more important in the New Testament. Worrying about how we look or even simple material needs was not on the docket.
“25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life[e]?Jesus was quite clear about these things that we call basic needs, but we go above and beyond worry about these things. We worry about our weight, do we look good in a tank top, should I be using a moisturizer, how much time at the gym is too much? Am I wearing the right shoes for this outfit? Do these jeans make my butt look too big? Am I too skinny to make this shirt work?
28 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” Matthew 6:25-34
We are such a bunch of brats. Jesus seemed to think that if we dress like flowers and eat like birds, that was enough. How did we get to this degree of shallowness? Perhaps a lack of spiritual discipline?
I think we do need to be concerned about our bodies. God gave them to us and we have a responsibility to them. The very reason I abstain from same sex sex is because our bodies are temples of God’s Spirit.
“19 Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; 20 you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.” 1 Corinthians 6:19, 20If we seek to be obedient to God we will not pollute our bodies. We must use our bodies in worship of Him….right???
So how do we keep out temples clean, in good repair and serviceable for the Lord? Paul said this:
“24 Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize. 25 Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last, but we do it to get a crown that will last forever.26 Therefore I do not run like someone running aimlessly; I do not fight like a boxer beating the air. 27 No, I strike a blow to my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize. “ I Corinthians 9:24-27.So we have to bring our bodies under a strict discipline in obedience to Christ. What does that involve? Maybe running, maybe boxing? Possibly. The discipline we bring could be spiritual and it could be physical with the goal of bringing obedience to Him who saved us.
So is self care a Christian concept? If spiritual discipline is the goal, then yes; anything that enables us to serve Him and others to a greater degree. We must take up our crosses and deny ourselves. It’s a rough prescription, but we have to do it. I will not quote it here, but I would suggest a reading of Colossians 3:1-17 and Philippians 2:1-18.
In the end, it’s not about us. It’s about Jesus. If our “self care” and "self improvement" does not serve His purposes, then it is Christian malpractice.
Monday, January 7, 2019
Vice
Last week I went to see a movie about the life and times of former vice president Dick Cheney. The biopic is called "Vice". If you intend to see it, please be advised that there are spoilers ahead.
I found the film interesting because of the approach the director, Adam McKay. He made the film into sort of a black comedy; the type of comedy that crosses the line of what may be considered tasteful, mocking events that may be considered too serious to joke about. This becomes obvious in the on screen introduction to the film and it goes on from there. The film also has a narrator that seems to be an ordinary American that has opinions about Dick Cheney. You will see him and hear him throughout the film at various points giving feedback on various events while he plays with his kids, interacts with others at work and outside the home. As you watch the movie, you will find yourself wondering why he is there, and then suddenly, it becomes apparent about three quarters into the film. It is both funny and tragic in many different ways.
The movie gives you glimpses into Cheney's life at various points that give you clues about why he became the man that he is. Alcohol was not his friend. He liked to fight. He was an angry man, but it only came out when he drank. Initially, he was kicked out of college for failing grades that were the result of partying too much. After this, he worked for the phone company as a lineman, spending his time working and drinking and fighting and even getting arrested. At one point, his wife Lynne gives him an ultimatum to dry out, straighten up and become something or she would leave with the kids. This is kind of a turning point in the film. Cheney loves his wife so much that he does exactly as she asks. This strengthens their partnership, and together, they begin to climb the social and political ladder of the country they love so much.
They finally end up in Washington DC with Dick working an internship serving then Congressman Donald Rumsfeld. Rumsfeld would become Cheney's mentor early on and together, they both go on to serve in the Nixon and Ford administrations in the cabinet. The ideologies of both men are defined in this time. A combination of controlling, ruthless power grabbing and bending the mind of the sitting president seem to drive them.
Both men end up out of power after the election of Jimmy Carter. Dick goes on to become the congressman for Wyoming and Donald works in the private sector leading the G D Searle Company, pushing the development of Nutra-sweet, Equal and Metamucil.
During the Reagan administration, neither man served directly in the cabinet, but they did have unofficial assignments. They would disappear together for days at a time to work on a project called the Armageddon Plan. This is not clearly presented in the film, but the plan was to, in the event of nuclear war with the Soviets, subvert the constitution and place other non constitutional authorities in charge of government; extra-constitutional continuity of government.
During the George H W Bush administration and later, the Clinton administration, the men continued to work together inside and outside government to achieve their purposes.
It all comes together in the George W Bush administration when Cheney becomes the secretary of defense and Dick Cheney is elevated to the vice presidency of the United States. The film indicates that Bush begged Cheney early on to be his VP and that Cheney only submitted to the request after a deal that would give Cheney control over certain intelligence, defense and financial assets within the government. He would become the first vice president to wield presidential power in peace time and in a time of national emergency.
The roles of Cheney and Rumsfeld in the 9/11 debacle is telling. When the planes hit the World Trade Center, President Bush was in Sarasota, FL visiting an elementary school. It was the perfect storm for power hungry politicians. Cheney sent Bush to a bunker at Offut AFB in Omaha on Air Force One and then Cheney took control of the government from an "undisclosed location". The protocol was new. Cheney exercised his theoretical plan to take control of events in the absence of the President called the "unitary executive". In the event of national emergency where the president was not available, the vice president was empowered to do whatever he thought was needed to protect the country, even in the face of constitutional prohibitions. Strangely, Cheney's lawyers were with him throughout the event and he spent much time in conversation with them as 9/11 unfolded.
It was only the day before that Donald Rumsfeld had advised congress of a missing 2.3 trillion dollars that Pentagon officials could not account for. Strangely, the next day, the portion of the Pentagon that contained the records of this missing cash was destroyed by one of the planes of the 9/11 attackers.
Also destroyed on 9/11 was World Trade Center Building 7. No plane hit this office tower, but for some reason, fires broke out inside this building and just after 5:00 PM that day, it collapsed on itself just as the twin towers had done that morning. Inside that building were the largest offices of the CIA and and defense departments outside of Washington DC. Strangely, all records there were destroyed too. Odd no?
In the aftermath of 9/11, Cheney and Rumsfeld worked diligently to create what would become a national security state to ensure this would never happen again. Secret courts (FISA), the TSA, off site (outside the US) detention centers for suspected terrorists and torture were authorized and the war against terror began in earnest.
Though none of the alleged 9/11 terrorists were from Afghanistan or Iraq, the war on terror began in these countries. They were believed to be hot spots for al-Qaeda and Saddam Hussein was supposed to be harboring weapons of mass destruction. None of this proved to be true, but this did not stop them. Combat still rages in these countries and many more. The United States has been at continuous war for 17 years in many countries in the middle east and Africa, but we have never made war in any country that had terrorists involved in 9/11. Odd no? Strangely, all 9/11 terrorists came from nations allied with the US; Saudi Arabia (15), the United Arab Emirates (2), and Egypt and Lebanon (1 each).
One must wonder what was the real purpose of the war on terror??? Was it to end terrorism or was it to consolidate power at home and bring chaos to the middle east? The film does not answer this question directly, but I think the answer is obvious.
The film's final scenes give more insight into Cheney's character. Throughout the movie, Cheney has heart problems. He has a bum ticker. He finally reaches a point where a transplant is required, but there is no heart available. As he is in the hospital with family gathered in preparation for his death, a bicyclist is tragically killed on the streets of Washington DC and his heart is delivered to the hospital in time to save Cheney. Strangely, the bicyclist is none other than the film's narrator, implying that his untimely death may have been a timely "accident".
After Cheney's recovery, there is one final moment of unlikely but likely character fulfillment. Dick Cheney actually fires Donald Rumsfeld from his position as secretary of defense. The mentor is now put out of power by the mentee. Supposedly, this was at the direction of President Bush, but Rumsfeld clearly thinks otherwise as he is fired by what the film portrays as his co-conspirator.
I liked the movie. It was both funny and serious while being funny at the same time. I think it is probably an accurate portrayal of history too. Let there be no doubt. Steely eyed, immoral men still control government and empower themselves at the expense of others. The problem is that the ability of the common man to object to this and dis-empower them is rapidly being lost. Is it too late? That remains to be seen.
I found the film interesting because of the approach the director, Adam McKay. He made the film into sort of a black comedy; the type of comedy that crosses the line of what may be considered tasteful, mocking events that may be considered too serious to joke about. This becomes obvious in the on screen introduction to the film and it goes on from there. The film also has a narrator that seems to be an ordinary American that has opinions about Dick Cheney. You will see him and hear him throughout the film at various points giving feedback on various events while he plays with his kids, interacts with others at work and outside the home. As you watch the movie, you will find yourself wondering why he is there, and then suddenly, it becomes apparent about three quarters into the film. It is both funny and tragic in many different ways.
The movie gives you glimpses into Cheney's life at various points that give you clues about why he became the man that he is. Alcohol was not his friend. He liked to fight. He was an angry man, but it only came out when he drank. Initially, he was kicked out of college for failing grades that were the result of partying too much. After this, he worked for the phone company as a lineman, spending his time working and drinking and fighting and even getting arrested. At one point, his wife Lynne gives him an ultimatum to dry out, straighten up and become something or she would leave with the kids. This is kind of a turning point in the film. Cheney loves his wife so much that he does exactly as she asks. This strengthens their partnership, and together, they begin to climb the social and political ladder of the country they love so much.
They finally end up in Washington DC with Dick working an internship serving then Congressman Donald Rumsfeld. Rumsfeld would become Cheney's mentor early on and together, they both go on to serve in the Nixon and Ford administrations in the cabinet. The ideologies of both men are defined in this time. A combination of controlling, ruthless power grabbing and bending the mind of the sitting president seem to drive them.
Both men end up out of power after the election of Jimmy Carter. Dick goes on to become the congressman for Wyoming and Donald works in the private sector leading the G D Searle Company, pushing the development of Nutra-sweet, Equal and Metamucil.
During the Reagan administration, neither man served directly in the cabinet, but they did have unofficial assignments. They would disappear together for days at a time to work on a project called the Armageddon Plan. This is not clearly presented in the film, but the plan was to, in the event of nuclear war with the Soviets, subvert the constitution and place other non constitutional authorities in charge of government; extra-constitutional continuity of government.
During the George H W Bush administration and later, the Clinton administration, the men continued to work together inside and outside government to achieve their purposes.
It all comes together in the George W Bush administration when Cheney becomes the secretary of defense and Dick Cheney is elevated to the vice presidency of the United States. The film indicates that Bush begged Cheney early on to be his VP and that Cheney only submitted to the request after a deal that would give Cheney control over certain intelligence, defense and financial assets within the government. He would become the first vice president to wield presidential power in peace time and in a time of national emergency.
The roles of Cheney and Rumsfeld in the 9/11 debacle is telling. When the planes hit the World Trade Center, President Bush was in Sarasota, FL visiting an elementary school. It was the perfect storm for power hungry politicians. Cheney sent Bush to a bunker at Offut AFB in Omaha on Air Force One and then Cheney took control of the government from an "undisclosed location". The protocol was new. Cheney exercised his theoretical plan to take control of events in the absence of the President called the "unitary executive". In the event of national emergency where the president was not available, the vice president was empowered to do whatever he thought was needed to protect the country, even in the face of constitutional prohibitions. Strangely, Cheney's lawyers were with him throughout the event and he spent much time in conversation with them as 9/11 unfolded.
It was only the day before that Donald Rumsfeld had advised congress of a missing 2.3 trillion dollars that Pentagon officials could not account for. Strangely, the next day, the portion of the Pentagon that contained the records of this missing cash was destroyed by one of the planes of the 9/11 attackers.
Also destroyed on 9/11 was World Trade Center Building 7. No plane hit this office tower, but for some reason, fires broke out inside this building and just after 5:00 PM that day, it collapsed on itself just as the twin towers had done that morning. Inside that building were the largest offices of the CIA and and defense departments outside of Washington DC. Strangely, all records there were destroyed too. Odd no?
In the aftermath of 9/11, Cheney and Rumsfeld worked diligently to create what would become a national security state to ensure this would never happen again. Secret courts (FISA), the TSA, off site (outside the US) detention centers for suspected terrorists and torture were authorized and the war against terror began in earnest.
Though none of the alleged 9/11 terrorists were from Afghanistan or Iraq, the war on terror began in these countries. They were believed to be hot spots for al-Qaeda and Saddam Hussein was supposed to be harboring weapons of mass destruction. None of this proved to be true, but this did not stop them. Combat still rages in these countries and many more. The United States has been at continuous war for 17 years in many countries in the middle east and Africa, but we have never made war in any country that had terrorists involved in 9/11. Odd no? Strangely, all 9/11 terrorists came from nations allied with the US; Saudi Arabia (15), the United Arab Emirates (2), and Egypt and Lebanon (1 each).
One must wonder what was the real purpose of the war on terror??? Was it to end terrorism or was it to consolidate power at home and bring chaos to the middle east? The film does not answer this question directly, but I think the answer is obvious.
The film's final scenes give more insight into Cheney's character. Throughout the movie, Cheney has heart problems. He has a bum ticker. He finally reaches a point where a transplant is required, but there is no heart available. As he is in the hospital with family gathered in preparation for his death, a bicyclist is tragically killed on the streets of Washington DC and his heart is delivered to the hospital in time to save Cheney. Strangely, the bicyclist is none other than the film's narrator, implying that his untimely death may have been a timely "accident".
After Cheney's recovery, there is one final moment of unlikely but likely character fulfillment. Dick Cheney actually fires Donald Rumsfeld from his position as secretary of defense. The mentor is now put out of power by the mentee. Supposedly, this was at the direction of President Bush, but Rumsfeld clearly thinks otherwise as he is fired by what the film portrays as his co-conspirator.
I liked the movie. It was both funny and serious while being funny at the same time. I think it is probably an accurate portrayal of history too. Let there be no doubt. Steely eyed, immoral men still control government and empower themselves at the expense of others. The problem is that the ability of the common man to object to this and dis-empower them is rapidly being lost. Is it too late? That remains to be seen.
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