Boy Erased

When someone remodels a house, trying to turn it into a home, sometimes major repairs are desired to make it livable again. A supporting wall might need to be replaced if the house is to be made safe for occupancy. But you can't just tear out that supporting wall without making sure that what it supports is properly safeguarded against collapse. The house will come down around your ears, on your head and may kill you.

With a house this is possible if done properly. But can it be done with the human mind? Why would I ask that?

The book, "Boy Erased" by Garrard Conley is the true story of the gay son of a Baptist minister and his experience with conversion therapy. Conversion therapy, known in some circles as reparative therapy or even ex-gay therapy has been used in its many different forms to attempt to turn homosexual men and women to heterosexuality. The book is Garrard's personal memoir; his story in dealing with family, church and the therapy in 2004. It is very painful to read and even more traumatic if you have had a similar experience. Nevertheless, I find myself recommending the book.

Though the writer becomes somewhat resentful of Christians, I think he is very fair to the faith and to his parents. Unlike the film of the same name, this is not a screed of anti-evangelical venom. It is one man trying to understand what happened to him as he came of age and was forced to deal with his homosexuality.

In summary, Garrard knew from an early age what his desires were. He tried very hard to deny these desires. He had a girlfriend in high school. But that all fell apart as he was preparing for college. When he started his freshman year, he made a few friends.One of them was a young man named David that was studying to be a youth minister. David took Garrard under his wing, took him to church and even worked out with him. Then one day when they were alone together in his dorm room, David raped him. Following the assault, David began crying and confessed to having done the same to a 14 year old boy at his church. After this, things began to fall apart for Garrard in a most severe way. Fearing exposure as a rapist and pedophile, David called Garrard's parents posing as a college counselor and told them their son was gay.

After considerable discussion about the phone call with his parents, Garrard finally came out to them. It was devastating for his parents. He was their only child. His mother had miscarried an older sibling in the 3rd trimester of her first pregnancy. Adding to the pain, Garrard's father was about to be ordained as a pastor in the Missionary Baptist church after years of owning a car dealership. It was the perfect storm. His father sought the advice of other pastors and it was concluded that the best course of action would be a Christian conversion therapy group called Love In Action located in Memphis, TN. And that is where the real story is and also in how it all played out.

You need to read the book. Suffice it to say that, in most circles, Conversion therapy has been discredited. Exodus International, which was the umbrella organization for many of these groups, was also over Love In Action. Exodus disbanded not long after the events in this book and so did Love In Action. There was almost no success in what they were trying to do. Even the group members that managed to marry say that they never completely lost their same sex attractions. And I think the problem with all these groups lies in there approach to the whole issue.

It is assumed by these groups that people with same sex attraction were somehow damaged by parents and family psychologically. Participants are urged to map out the sin in there families and how their parents treated them. Did you receive enough attention from Dad? Did he touch you and show you love. Was Mom overbearing? How did Grandpa's alcoholism effect your Dad and how he treated you?

Really! My thought here is that if bad parenting and family moral issues were the cause of homosexuality, half the world would be gay. That's just not the case.

Then there is the constant taking of moral inventory. Confession of every sex related sin, asking for forgiveness and trying to pray the gay away. In the program portrayed in this book, John Smid, the facilitator was constantly pushing the participants for these things. Frankly, when you're 18 or 19 and you're a Christian living in the southern US, you don't have all that much sexual experience to confess to. The whole process is filled with shaming and blaming and can do severe damage to a young psyche. Some participants were even making up stories so they had something to confess.

And you cannot treat same sex desire with a 12 step program. It is not an addiction like alcoholism, drug abuse or gambling. Becoming addicted to these things comes from experience. One would never know they were prone to alcoholism until they started drinking. One does not have to participate in homosexuality to know they are gay. Is straight sex required to learn of one's heterosexuality? No, of course not.

All of these things contributed to the demise of Ex-Gay therapy. There is more, but this is the worst of it. Though Exodus and LIA are out of the business, there are still groups, both religious and secular attempting to fix homosexuals. The practice has been made illegal in some states for minors and that is because well meaning parents were forcing their children against their will to participate in these programs. In my opinion, no one should be forced into these programs against their will. It should be strictly voluntary and for those 18 and older.

One more thing of note. John Smid, the founder of LIA is today living with his husband in Paris, Texas. After two failed marriages to women, he finally gave up his own battle with SSA and moved on. Similar things happened at Exodus. John Paulk, Exodus board member and Ex-gay poster boy, divorced his Ex-lesbian wife and took a husband too. Alan Chambers, the chairman of Exodus, remains married to his wife, but says he still has same sex attractions.

I hope you get what I'm saying here. Conversion therapy does not work. It just creates a bigger messes and can ruin lives and even cause suicides. My advice? Stay away from it.

I have some limited experience with this kind of therapy. Mine was not as intensive and 8 hours daily, but I did it for a year and guess what? I'm still gay.

Read the book and see what you think.