Internalized Homophobia

Over the past few weeks I have had much time for reflection. I am not liking what I have found. It is jarring...for me. I think it's because I refused to believe it was possible. How can a man be a Republican and not vote Republican? It seems a bit silly right? Why identify with a group that you really don't like? I'm not saying that's the case for me politically, but maybe you can see where I'm, going with this.

How can a man be gay and dislike other gay men? How can someone out of the closet for more than three years find himself repulsed by others of his kind?

This is where I'm at today. I really don't like homosexuals. I do not like effeminate men. I don't like their nasal voices whining at each other like someone cut off their balls. I just think they need a good slap and orders from someone to just stop it. I mean, can't they see how silly they look and sound?

Right?

Now some of you are right there with me on this and maybe some of you are thinking that I'm a hater. That last one is probably the correct one. What does this say about me as a Christian, a gay man and a human being? My internal homophobia sets up a cognitive dissonance in me that I cannot seem to get passed. I have tried to beat this. I came out of the closet. I joined a Facebook group of Christian, gay, celibate men...some of them are even married to women and have children.  One might reasonably think that I would have managed to get passed the homophobia by now, but no. I hate when men touch me, even straight men. I hate being bent like this and I find I hate myself when I think about. I may need to back away from that table for awhile. 

It could be that I am just sick of talking about it and reading or listening to what others have to say about it. But I think it goes deeper than that.

So...I am going to have to distance myself even further from some of my new friends at Yobbers in an effort to work this out. Guys, I don't think you can help me with this and I don't want to hurt you in the process. I will just step away until I can get a better bead on it. And no, I do not think I am the epitome of masculinity. I know I'm not. I just can't get past wishing that I was and hating what I am...How this will actually change is any one's guess.