Reflections - Friends That Made A Difference

If my twenties were lived in rebellion against God, my thirties and early forties could be characterized as mostly living without Him. Perhaps it is more correct to say that I kept a considerable distance from Him. It was not that I did not believe. It had more to do with the fact that I did not believe He loved me as He did His other children. I would not even go so far as to say I felt like He tolerated me. I truly believed that because of my same sex attractions, I was an abomination in His eyes. I also thought that if I belonged to a church in those days and this became known, it would sour the relationship. I would either be marginalized or cast out. So in those days, I did not darken a church door.

Early on, I was angry about this alleged state of affairs, and as I aged, this anger smoldered into a slow hot burning sadness that I cannot describe. It was the single worst depression of my life and I think the only reason I did not harm myself was because of my friends at work and the work itself. God sometimes gives us things to do while we sit in self imposed detention. I got work.

There was also a very close friendship that got me through those times and she knows who she is. I felt fully known by her. We had been friends since our days in church youth group. She was among the first that knew I was gay.She had a gift of empathy - probably still does - that helps her to listen.  She was never one to mince words either. We would also be very frank and honest with each other on most occasions and throughout our friendship and this could be good or hurt or both. I suppose it's as close as I will ever come to being married. I say this even though I lived in a different city and state at the time. We exchanged letters and frequent phone calls. We vacationed together at least a couple of times. And when I was back in our home state, we would do things together. We were not alike. The relationship was built on complimentarianism.  We were at opposite ends of the political and religious spectrum, but we could still make it work. It was by far, the most challenging and rewarding relationship I had ever enjoyed in my life up to that time. She kept me thinking and kept me from stagnating and most especially when we disagreed. I always looked forward to out time together. I think we will come together again in heaven...probably not here though.

When I was finally able to move back to my home state with my job intact, we spent much time together. I lived in a city that was 20 minutes away from hers. As we both aged, our views about politics in particular, began to separate us. We went our separate ways for a time. This time without her was actually good for me. I began to search for ways to get back in touch with my Creator and I was also looking for a way to get back to my hometown which was two hours away. I would go home on weekends to visit my parents. On Sundays they went to church...and so did I. I began hearing things that bothered me. Things like 'God loves me unconditionally' and that 'He welcomes home His lost children'. In my early years in church, I don't think I understood my heavenly Father this way. My theology at the time did allow for this kind of love and forgiveness. It was as if God was tearing down my childhood belief system and replacing it with something more orthodox. As it turned out, that is exactly what was happening. Before I knew it, I was driving two hours to church every weekend. In time, I became a teacher. God used what I already knew, gave me a revised version and allowed me to share it with others. It was not long after that my job took me back home and I was back in the family of God at the same time.

Sometime in my late forties, or maybe I was in my fifties, another person showed up in my life. He came in the form of a pastor. I have always been suspicious of people that make their living that way (;^) and I was never one to trust easily, but this guy was not going to bend to my standards. He kind of insisted on being my friend. This was weird for a number of reasons. I was not in the demographic of his ministry assignment, he is 18 years younger than me and he is married with kids. He had heard somewhere that I liked to fish. He wanted to go fishing with me. I turned him down at least a couple of times. I think I did this because I had never had a straight man express so much interest in me. His appearance also presented a problem for me. He was waaaay too good looking for an SSA guy to hang with. I also surmised that he had and exaggerated sense of his own importance and since I do enjoy deflating egos (I am so funny), I finally assented to his request. We spent a day together fishing. It was the best day of my new found faith as a recovering sinner to that point in time. We became friends. To this day and even though he is not here, we are still friends. There have been disagreements (such is life with me), but I am pleased to report that our friendship is solid, though long distance, which might be what makes it work.

And I hope he will forgive me for talking about him on line... Dude...I love you. It's OK.

Whatever. I guess my point is that friendships can be pivotal in our development and even God given. These two people have had an enormous influence on my life. They helped me shatter personal and spiritual barriers in my trek back to God. I never thought I would have friends like these, but praise the Lord, I did/do.

And that brings us to now. I have two small groups of close friends. We dine regularly together. Tonight I will enjoy a few of them.

And I have another friend....God keeps sending me pastors (what's up with that?)...this one is weirder than the last one (;^)
He loved me enough to help me out of the closet in front of my church. Try that sometime. It has been one of the best things I have ever done - overall. There are still some days when I regret it, but really, it's like someone took a 1000 lb granite rock off my soul. The freedom I feel at 61 years old is like nothing I have ever experienced...and the adventure should continue for a bit longer. Thanks my friend. I love you!

So, to Friends...I recommend them. Trust someone today. Start with God and He will point you in the right direction.

Luv ya!

JB