Maybe I should have called this post "Taking Inventory", because that's what I've been doing. My current mental ague seems to be lifting. I can see things more clearly. My Angels prodded me into talking last night and I feel much better. Thanks ladies. I had a good time.
As a side note, we all went out to celebrate my 60th birthday. Went to the Big Steer restaurant in Altoona. The place was packed, but the food was good and the waiter was bear-like, cute and very nice. I was hoping for a birthday kiss, but I didn't get one. I suppose it just would not have looked right and he would have been expected to kiss everyone else too. Oh well. He did bring me a free ice cream sundae as a consolation prize.
I also wondered if there was supposed to be some subliminal joke buried in taking me to a place called the Big Steer, but I do tend to overthink things, so probably not. I got a Caribou gift card which is good since I live on a fixed income now. I also got a 'first alert' type device in case I fall and can't get up. I was looking at it this morning and debating if I really needed to activate the thing yet. I think the yellow jacket incident made them all think I might die on accident. I do stumble quite a bit. I would not want to be setting it off accidently; even so, it would be nice to have in case the lawn mower ends up on top of me or it chops off my arm or something. Whatever. I love the gift and I will wear it with pride and a sense of security.
Back to taking inventory, I have of late been reviewing my life from a spiritual perspective and I was dissappointed with the results I was coming up with. I think this is because of a number of issues, the first one being that, as I said, I tend to overthink things. I have gone from having way too much responsibility to having none in a very short period of time. Too much time to think.
I also have much unresolved guilt and anger over my relationship with my dead father. There is a forgiveness problem there that I have never properly dealt with that I finally discussed with the Angels last night. It was sort of a breakthrough for me. It's going to require some healing time. I blamed God for much of this because it was easier than blaming myself and much easier than looking at it and saying it is what it is. We are all bent in different ways. My Dad had his own demons and I'm sure he dealt with them the best he could. In my life, I have never been able to see this properly until now. Yes, it was always about me.
The whole thing has been blinding me to the love my heavenly Father has for me. I think sometimes we see Him through the lens of who our own earthly fathers were and this can jade the relationship with our God. He is not like a man...any man. I have always known this intellectually. I need to make this a spiritual realization.
I complained awhile back that God had not changed me as I had expected, but in review, that really was not a fair charge. I see much that has changed when I take off my blinders and look honestly at what He has done for me. Materially, I have NEVER known need. Even when I was poor and had to work two jobs, I never missed a meal. I always had a place to live and tranportation. I have NEVER been unemployed. Even now in retirement, I do not believe it will be possible for me to exhaust my resources before death. I am set.
It's in the spiritual realm that I have always felt a deficit. My knowledge of allgedly spiritual things is great. I am wise in the meaning of the Scriptures and skilled in relating that knowledge to others. It is a gift for which I am grateful. Had I been more extroverted, I might have been a good pastor. But having always seen God through the lens of my father, I never thought I was good enough to do much of anything. When I coupled that with my SSA, I thought I was just cursed by God for not being a good son or good enough. It all worked together to make me too up tight to fall in love with my heavenly father or His other children.
At 60, I'm beginning finally to see that I can create my own reality with Him. I can see that He has made me more patient - a kinder and gentler Christian than I ever was before. He had showed me the limits of my own willpower and made me aware of how my bluntness has hurt others. He got me through almost 6 years of trying to care for my father - a man I did not like very much. He has showed me how I am like Dad in good ways and especially the bad ways.
The time has come now to complete the process and seal my relationship with Him. Prayer has been hard for me. Three independent sources in my life have suggested I take up a Christian form of meditation. This I will most likely do. I want desperately to feel the presence of God in my life as part of who I am and not just some impersonal outside force that sees to my needs. I do not want to die as a Pharisee and rule keeper. I want to know change inside and out and to realy understand what is meant in the Serenity Prayer.
I have the rest of my life to do this Please pray that the Lord and I can make this happen. Thanks for being patient with me. I don't think He's done with me yet.
I love you.
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Be Gentle.