The Mandela Effect, Trans-temporal Quantum Editing and Trying To Remember What Happened

What if someone somewhere had the technology to go back or forward in the timeline and change a thing or two? Impossible right? Well, maybe or maybe not. God would be able to do this. We would call it a miracle. If humans did it, we would say it must be trickery. Is it?

Some of you may have grown up with children's books about the Berenstein Bears. I know I could have sworn that I did. The current truth about that though, is that I did not. Those books were about the Berenstain Bears. Yes, that's right.

So what is it that causes this kind of delusion (Mandela Effect)? I know a number of you are asking the same question right now and many of you are insisting, as I did, that it was always the Berenstein Bears. Is it faulty memory? Is it a building of an improper pronunciation into the current culture? Or is it possible that at one time it WAS the Berenstein Bears and that someone changed it, maybe as an experiment, to see what we could accept in terms of changes in what we think we know. Something called trans-temporal quantum editing - the ability to go to a certain place in time and change something so that what was was once thought as a truth becomes a falsity. Interesting no?

Another more serious version of this is Biblical in its proportions. Have you ever compared the 1611 Authorized King James Version of the Bible to the NIV, NEB or NASB? There is some serious departures from what was known as truth then and what we call truth today. If you don't think so, take this test on what you think you know about the KJV. I grew up on the KJV and I was shocked by how I had been influenced by more modern translations. There was nothing that changed ultimate salvific truth, but much that had changed with certain understandings. Bottles and wine skins are two very different things. Shoes and sandals are both footwear, but what was worn in Jesus' day? Is Jeremiah a prophet or is it Jeremie? It's all very weird.

Words mean things. Truth is always supposed to be truth, no matter how minor the truth. Yet words evolve in culture. They are used by authorities to persuade, be they politicians, pastors or public administrators. And we listen to them all. Our reality and our truth is formed by our perceptions of what these people say about whatever is being discussed. They are all word wizards, casting spells to influence, guide, manipulate and create what we perceive as reality. We have to be careful...really, we do.

That's why when I try to remember things that happened in my childhood, I also need to question myself. Is this what I remember or is it something someone told me happened,or worse, is it something that I believe happened that never happened at all.

I have very clear memories of my childhood from age two onward. I remember when I had my tonsillectomy,  being abused by nuns at the local Catholic hospital, even waking in the middle of the night in the children's ward where another inmate got me a glass of water. I remember coming home after and having an out of body experience, watching myself enter the kitchen of our small house in Bondurant, Iowa from near ceiling level.

I wonder how much of this is real memory. I question it, but it has the ring of truth. And as I delve deeper, trying to figure out where things went wrong with me, I question my life events even more. There are things that I do not want to be true, but I am certain are true. It makes me weep for what could have been and I want very deeply that reality that would make "now" so much more palatable.

If I could just change the timeline and accept a new old reality, my life would be different...I think...I guess. But maybe it was The Berenstain Bears all along.

Internalized Homophobia

Over the past few weeks I have had much time for reflection. I am not liking what I have found. It is jarring...for me. I think it's because I refused to believe it was possible. How can a man be a Republican and not vote Republican? It seems a bit silly right? Why identify with a group that you really don't like? I'm not saying that's the case for me politically, but maybe you can see where I'm, going with this.

How can a man be gay and dislike other gay men? How can someone out of the closet for more than three years find himself repulsed by others of his kind?

This is where I'm at today. I really don't like homosexuals. I do not like effeminate men. I don't like their nasal voices whining at each other like someone cut off their balls. I just think they need a good slap and orders from someone to just stop it. I mean, can't they see how silly they look and sound?

Right?

Now some of you are right there with me on this and maybe some of you are thinking that I'm a hater. That last one is probably the correct one. What does this say about me as a Christian, a gay man and a human being? My internal homophobia sets up a cognitive dissonance in me that I cannot seem to get passed. I have tried to beat this. I came out of the closet. I joined a Facebook group of Christian, gay, celibate men...some of them are even married to women and have children.  One might reasonably think that I would have managed to get passed the homophobia by now, but no. I hate when men touch me, even straight men. I hate being bent like this and I find I hate myself when I think about. I may need to back away from that table for awhile. 

It could be that I am just sick of talking about it and reading or listening to what others have to say about it. But I think it goes deeper than that.

So...I am going to have to distance myself even further from some of my new friends at Yobbers in an effort to work this out. Guys, I don't think you can help me with this and I don't want to hurt you in the process. I will just step away until I can get a better bead on it. And no, I do not think I am the epitome of masculinity. I know I'm not. I just can't get past wishing that I was and hating what I am...How this will actually change is any one's guess.