Thursday, August 20, 2020
Wednesday, August 19, 2020
Tuesday, November 5, 2019
Therapy
I've been doing physical therapy for my neck issues (cervical spondylosis). It's going well. I thought at first that I would be creeped out by a stranger touching me, but Kristen, my physical therapist, seems uniquely skilled to deal with me. I'm not sure what it is, but she puts me completely at ease, even though she sometimes causes me pain.
It was kind of a trick. She started out easy and then slowly ramped up the exercises. I have equipment for home use; a yoga strap, two tennis balls velcroed together and a couple of rubber strips. These are all used in my homework exercises. It's amazing how muscles I never knew I had are waking up and feeling sore. It's all designed to force other muscles in my body to take some of the load off my neck. It seems to be working.
She also applies pressure with her hands and fingers to certain points on both sides of my neck. At my last two appointments, I received ultra-sound treatments to my neck and shoulder muscles. This is my favorite thing. It feels kind of warm and slippery and I can feel the heat deep in the tissue of my neck and shoulders.
I wonder if I should consider some other forms of therapy like maybe some counseling. Not joking here. It couldn't hurt right? We will see.
It was kind of a trick. She started out easy and then slowly ramped up the exercises. I have equipment for home use; a yoga strap, two tennis balls velcroed together and a couple of rubber strips. These are all used in my homework exercises. It's amazing how muscles I never knew I had are waking up and feeling sore. It's all designed to force other muscles in my body to take some of the load off my neck. It seems to be working.
She also applies pressure with her hands and fingers to certain points on both sides of my neck. At my last two appointments, I received ultra-sound treatments to my neck and shoulder muscles. This is my favorite thing. It feels kind of warm and slippery and I can feel the heat deep in the tissue of my neck and shoulders.
I wonder if I should consider some other forms of therapy like maybe some counseling. Not joking here. It couldn't hurt right? We will see.
Monday, October 28, 2019
Looking Into The Abyss
Solitude is difficult. Spending time alone can be miserable. Emptiness overshadows us and surrounds us like a dark abyss that threatens to devour our souls. Most of us humans just hate this. We hate being alone. Even I tire of it and I love me some solitude. But someone I met many years ago wrote that it's OK to be lonely as long as you are free.
So how does that work? How can we make loneliness and emptiness and that dry ache of neediness work to our advantage?
There are many ways we can distract ourselves from our solitary lives. We can seek to fill the empty spaces with many things. Sexual immorality, drinking, drugs, sensationalist endeavors, pornography, social media. But do these really work? Are they lasting? From my experience I can tell you that these things do not fill the gap. They are temporary bandages on a ever gaping wound. So what's the answer?
I think we need to stare into that abyss, feel the pain and the misery and the emptiness that is loneliness and try to meet Jesus in that place so that He can fill it up. He will show us a way out, but we need to endure that pain in that process. It's the pain of the old self dying it's death. It's the pain felt as we dismiss old habits. It's like a period of mourning for what we are giving up to eventually gain something better. We have to let these things die and pass out of our lives so we can go where Jesus wants to take us in this life and the next.
Frederick Buechner said, "Our calling is where our greatest need and our greatest joy intersect." Jesus can help us find that intersection, but we have to be willing to meet Him in that awful abyss first, then let Him take up our pain and lead us there. Once we are aware of that calling, we can begin to thrive. We will truly be free. Loneliness may or may not be over, but it will bring a harvest of joy that makes it all much more tolerable.
Galatians 5:1
It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.
So where are you at today? Yes, I've been staring into that abyss. It's not as deep and dark as I thought it was.
So how does that work? How can we make loneliness and emptiness and that dry ache of neediness work to our advantage?
There are many ways we can distract ourselves from our solitary lives. We can seek to fill the empty spaces with many things. Sexual immorality, drinking, drugs, sensationalist endeavors, pornography, social media. But do these really work? Are they lasting? From my experience I can tell you that these things do not fill the gap. They are temporary bandages on a ever gaping wound. So what's the answer?
I think we need to stare into that abyss, feel the pain and the misery and the emptiness that is loneliness and try to meet Jesus in that place so that He can fill it up. He will show us a way out, but we need to endure that pain in that process. It's the pain of the old self dying it's death. It's the pain felt as we dismiss old habits. It's like a period of mourning for what we are giving up to eventually gain something better. We have to let these things die and pass out of our lives so we can go where Jesus wants to take us in this life and the next.
Frederick Buechner said, "Our calling is where our greatest need and our greatest joy intersect." Jesus can help us find that intersection, but we have to be willing to meet Him in that awful abyss first, then let Him take up our pain and lead us there. Once we are aware of that calling, we can begin to thrive. We will truly be free. Loneliness may or may not be over, but it will bring a harvest of joy that makes it all much more tolerable.
Galatians 5:1
It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.
So where are you at today? Yes, I've been staring into that abyss. It's not as deep and dark as I thought it was.
Sunday, October 27, 2019
When God Says 'No' - An Extreme Case
The preacher had been talking about prayer for a few Sundays now. Today was no different. He started by asking, "If Jesus were standing up here in front of you today, what would you most want to ask Him for?"
It was about then that my face started leaking. I hate crying in church. I always feel weakened and exposed, then suddenly everyone knows. I have a heart and I have issues. It burns holes in my pride and embarrasses me. It shouldn't, but it does. I like to appear stoic; unaffected by what I might feel. Able to control it, to put it into it's place and let it die. That was not on the schedule today.
It was supposed to be a sermon about prayer requests and petitions to God, but it turned a bit ugly for me. I was having flashbacks of anger and guilt and shame. I was feeling unforgiven. It was as though there were still issues that remained outstanding between me and my Creator.
I have, on occasion, felt this way before. I don't recall that it ever brought tears, but the vile voices of doubt, blame and regret have rung loud and clear in my life at various times. It's stinkin thinkin according to an old friend, but when it takes hold, it can ruin a day, a week or even a year or a decade.
So how would I answer the question? I really don't have to answer it because Jesus knows exactly what I would ask. It's what I used to ask frequently as a teenager and as a young man. I asked for it in the midst of my sin and also after the time of sin had passed. It's the same request I quit making somewhere around my 30th birthday because I was so angry about it. It's the thing that separated us, that drove a wedge in our relationship. It's the thing that, as I believed at the time, destroyed all my dreams. It caused me to give up hope. It caused me to cease communication with Him. I was mad.
My thinking back then was that prayer does not work, or more correctly, it does not work when the request is for myself. I know this is wrong now, but back then, I just wanted relief. I wanted to be normal (whatever that is). Like Pinocchio, I just wanted to be a real boy. I did not want to be this wretched thing that was a pariah in the Church and a joke outside of the Church.
I did not choose to be gay. I did not want these same sex sexual attractions. I prayed to the Lord for relief even in the time I was acting out. It seemed then that my only answer from Him was silence. I blamed Him. I asked Him, why did You make me this way? Why is something I did not choose also a sin for me to participate in? Would you have me be alone all my life? How do I explain my lack of marital status? What kind of God are You?
It was painful. Much of my perspective back then was shaped by my solitude, an attitude of legalism and my unwillingness to work with Him on this. My thought was that He should just fix this if He does not want me to be gay. I did offer my celibacy after an 18 month dalliance with someone that understood what I was feeling. Strangely, the celibacy was not as hard as I thought it might be. The desire continued, but I no longer acted out. Of course, I thought I was doing it all myself.
"Look Dad. See what I can do. Can you fix me now?"
No. The answer was no.
That was unacceptable to me.
He was apparently unimpressed by my sexless life, my protests and my refusal to continue my pursuit of Him. I left His church and I quit talking to Him. I actually gave up on church rather early and quickly. I did not want to explain why I was such a freak of nature and then expect them to love me anyway. My pride conspired with everything else to work against me. I was like a toddler that holds his breath to get what he wants. I held my breath until I was 40 years old, but living in a spiritual desert that has no light can be exhausting and very cold. It was time to breathe again and feel the warmth of His presence.
He and I worked it out. I resumed a semblance of a prayer life and started again in a church, the same one that birthed me. I became a teacher. I have joked with various classes that the only reason I know anything about the Bible is because I spent 40 years looking for loopholes, but you know, it's not far from the truth. Whatever.
17 years later, I came out of the closet at church before 300 of my brothers and sisters. It's the best thing I've ever done. Transparency is the ticket. And, at the risk of igniting my pride, I feel pretty solid over 40+ years of celibacy. I realize now that I did not do this by myself and also that it could have been much easier had I not been so arrogant about the broken flesh I was given to live in. But we live and learn. My stubbornness has worked against me and it has also been a very useful tool in the hands of God. I still have too much pride, but God is helping to keep that in check. My banner today is similar to Paul's in 2 Corinthians 12:7b-10.
This morning, during the sermon, I had a flash of guilt and shame. Have I properly repented and submitted to His will? Am I still nursing a wound that scarred over and healed decades ago? Do I still have some repressed anger?
Maybe...I guess it's something I need to pray about.
It was about then that my face started leaking. I hate crying in church. I always feel weakened and exposed, then suddenly everyone knows. I have a heart and I have issues. It burns holes in my pride and embarrasses me. It shouldn't, but it does. I like to appear stoic; unaffected by what I might feel. Able to control it, to put it into it's place and let it die. That was not on the schedule today.
It was supposed to be a sermon about prayer requests and petitions to God, but it turned a bit ugly for me. I was having flashbacks of anger and guilt and shame. I was feeling unforgiven. It was as though there were still issues that remained outstanding between me and my Creator.
I have, on occasion, felt this way before. I don't recall that it ever brought tears, but the vile voices of doubt, blame and regret have rung loud and clear in my life at various times. It's stinkin thinkin according to an old friend, but when it takes hold, it can ruin a day, a week or even a year or a decade.
So how would I answer the question? I really don't have to answer it because Jesus knows exactly what I would ask. It's what I used to ask frequently as a teenager and as a young man. I asked for it in the midst of my sin and also after the time of sin had passed. It's the same request I quit making somewhere around my 30th birthday because I was so angry about it. It's the thing that separated us, that drove a wedge in our relationship. It's the thing that, as I believed at the time, destroyed all my dreams. It caused me to give up hope. It caused me to cease communication with Him. I was mad.
My thinking back then was that prayer does not work, or more correctly, it does not work when the request is for myself. I know this is wrong now, but back then, I just wanted relief. I wanted to be normal (whatever that is). Like Pinocchio, I just wanted to be a real boy. I did not want to be this wretched thing that was a pariah in the Church and a joke outside of the Church.
I did not choose to be gay. I did not want these same sex sexual attractions. I prayed to the Lord for relief even in the time I was acting out. It seemed then that my only answer from Him was silence. I blamed Him. I asked Him, why did You make me this way? Why is something I did not choose also a sin for me to participate in? Would you have me be alone all my life? How do I explain my lack of marital status? What kind of God are You?
It was painful. Much of my perspective back then was shaped by my solitude, an attitude of legalism and my unwillingness to work with Him on this. My thought was that He should just fix this if He does not want me to be gay. I did offer my celibacy after an 18 month dalliance with someone that understood what I was feeling. Strangely, the celibacy was not as hard as I thought it might be. The desire continued, but I no longer acted out. Of course, I thought I was doing it all myself.
"Look Dad. See what I can do. Can you fix me now?"
No. The answer was no.
That was unacceptable to me.
He was apparently unimpressed by my sexless life, my protests and my refusal to continue my pursuit of Him. I left His church and I quit talking to Him. I actually gave up on church rather early and quickly. I did not want to explain why I was such a freak of nature and then expect them to love me anyway. My pride conspired with everything else to work against me. I was like a toddler that holds his breath to get what he wants. I held my breath until I was 40 years old, but living in a spiritual desert that has no light can be exhausting and very cold. It was time to breathe again and feel the warmth of His presence.
He and I worked it out. I resumed a semblance of a prayer life and started again in a church, the same one that birthed me. I became a teacher. I have joked with various classes that the only reason I know anything about the Bible is because I spent 40 years looking for loopholes, but you know, it's not far from the truth. Whatever.
17 years later, I came out of the closet at church before 300 of my brothers and sisters. It's the best thing I've ever done. Transparency is the ticket. And, at the risk of igniting my pride, I feel pretty solid over 40+ years of celibacy. I realize now that I did not do this by myself and also that it could have been much easier had I not been so arrogant about the broken flesh I was given to live in. But we live and learn. My stubbornness has worked against me and it has also been a very useful tool in the hands of God. I still have too much pride, but God is helping to keep that in check. My banner today is similar to Paul's in 2 Corinthians 12:7b-10.
Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. 8 Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. 9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.For God to work in our lives, we must become spiritually broken. It took God 40 years to break me. He never gave up. I'm glad He did not let me die in my arrogance and anger. I am so thankful for this and I praise His Name for His patience.
This morning, during the sermon, I had a flash of guilt and shame. Have I properly repented and submitted to His will? Am I still nursing a wound that scarred over and healed decades ago? Do I still have some repressed anger?
Maybe...I guess it's something I need to pray about.
Friday, October 18, 2019
Chosen Family
So what do you do when your family of origin (birth family) has past? Mom and Dad are gone. Siblings are far away or maybe you're an only child. Maybe you have never married for whatever the reason. Are you really alone? Or suppose for a minute that your family of origin has chosen to break ties with you over a lifestyle issue or that you have had to distance yourself from them because they no longer share the same family vision with you?
There are all kinds of reasons why someone might find themselves alone or without family to depend on. My own situation could be much more perilous than it is. I'm not married and that is by choice. I am an only child and my parents have passed away. I have extended family, but with few exceptions, none of them want a totally transparent relationship. They don't want the embarrassment of sharing or hearing about each other's junk; the stuff in life that we might share only with a wife or a husband. My parents were even this way. There was always this fear that if we shared our issues, something bad would happen or we might all begin to look bad in the eyes of our church or our superficial friendships.
So am I alone? Absolutely not.
When I became a Christian, I chose for myself another family. I did not realize at the time just how important that family would become. I am not alone because I have Christian friends; some I am very close to. Others I am not so close to, but most all of them know about what was once my deepest darkest secret. And they love me anyway. Imagine that. These spiritual friendships are the best and from my observation, they go far deeper than than the ties I had with my family of origin. Spiritual friends help us carry the burden, whatever that may be. The masks come off and the love flows. Jesus is among us to help us as we care for each other.
Christian friends and the Church in general - they are my chosen family.
Many people think that this idea of chosen family grew out of the LGBTQ community. As people would come out of the closet, they would find rejection by their family of origin and begin to build new families based on new friendships made with others like them.
The chosen family concept though, is really far older, by at least 2000 years, than what has happened in the gay community in the last 50 years.
In the early days of His ministry, Jesus' family, including His mother, were having trouble dealing with what Jesus was doing with His life. This is how Mark records it in his gospel. Mark 3:20, 21 and 31-35.
Jesus' birth family did not understand what was going on. They thought Jesus was crazy. They were going to take Him away. He was apparently embarrassing them by drawing attention and taking positions against the religious leadership of the time. Jesus would not cooperate with them. He made His break with His family then and there and He pointed toward His Chosen Family. It was a great day for the future Church.
Jesus takes it a step further in Matthew 10:37-39.
To one degree or another, all the apostles came to experience this. Paul did not even have a wife or children, mostly because the nature of his missionary work made that impossible. He did, however, build strong family ties in the churches that he established. His relationship with the Ephesian church and elders was particularly strong as revealed in the book of Acts. He also trained young men as evangelists, that he considered his sons, to serve with him in ministry. Timothy and Titus come to mind, but I am sure there were many others. Paul chose his family. It was the family of God; the Church.
People will tell you that you can choose what you have for lunch and you can choose your friends, but you can't choose your family. Jesus blew that last one right out of the water and I'm glad he did.
If you're interested in more info on Chosen Family from a gay Christian perspective, check out this link to Your Other Brothers. It will lead you to a podcast on this very subject. It's what inspired me to write this blog post. The podcast is almost two hours long. The meat of it is in the second hour. Just skip forward and enjoy the discussion. The whole thing is worth a listen though. These guys are great. I like to listen to them when I drive. My truck has Bluetooth, so I pull up the podcast on my phone and listen to it through my truck speakers as I drive to the next fishing spot.
Later Brother.
There are all kinds of reasons why someone might find themselves alone or without family to depend on. My own situation could be much more perilous than it is. I'm not married and that is by choice. I am an only child and my parents have passed away. I have extended family, but with few exceptions, none of them want a totally transparent relationship. They don't want the embarrassment of sharing or hearing about each other's junk; the stuff in life that we might share only with a wife or a husband. My parents were even this way. There was always this fear that if we shared our issues, something bad would happen or we might all begin to look bad in the eyes of our church or our superficial friendships.
So am I alone? Absolutely not.
When I became a Christian, I chose for myself another family. I did not realize at the time just how important that family would become. I am not alone because I have Christian friends; some I am very close to. Others I am not so close to, but most all of them know about what was once my deepest darkest secret. And they love me anyway. Imagine that. These spiritual friendships are the best and from my observation, they go far deeper than than the ties I had with my family of origin. Spiritual friends help us carry the burden, whatever that may be. The masks come off and the love flows. Jesus is among us to help us as we care for each other.
Christian friends and the Church in general - they are my chosen family.
Many people think that this idea of chosen family grew out of the LGBTQ community. As people would come out of the closet, they would find rejection by their family of origin and begin to build new families based on new friendships made with others like them.
The chosen family concept though, is really far older, by at least 2000 years, than what has happened in the gay community in the last 50 years.
In the early days of His ministry, Jesus' family, including His mother, were having trouble dealing with what Jesus was doing with His life. This is how Mark records it in his gospel. Mark 3:20, 21 and 31-35.
20 Then Jesus entered a house, and again a crowd gathered, so that he and his disciples were not even able to eat. 21 When his family[b] heard about this, they went to take charge of him, for they said, “He is out of his mind.”
31 Then Jesus’ mother and brothers arrived. Standing outside, they sent someone in to call him. 32 A crowd was sitting around him, and they told him, “Your mother and brothers are outside looking for you.” 33 “Who are my mother and my brothers?” he asked.
34 Then he looked at those seated in a circle around him and said, “Here are my mother and my brothers! 35 Whoever does God’s will is my brother and sister and mother.”
Jesus' birth family did not understand what was going on. They thought Jesus was crazy. They were going to take Him away. He was apparently embarrassing them by drawing attention and taking positions against the religious leadership of the time. Jesus would not cooperate with them. He made His break with His family then and there and He pointed toward His Chosen Family. It was a great day for the future Church.
Jesus takes it a step further in Matthew 10:37-39.
37 “Anyone who loves their father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves their son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. 38 Whoever does not take up their cross and follow me is not worthy of me. 39 Whoever finds their life will lose it, and whoever loses their life for my sake will find it.Once we choose our new family, things can get rough. Jesus knew that choosing faith and His Church over whatever it was that we knew before could result in separation from our families of origin. If we are called to serve Christ's kingdom in a particular way that may separate us from our birth family, then we have to learn to deal with that.There can be family tension that develops and estrangement may follow.
To one degree or another, all the apostles came to experience this. Paul did not even have a wife or children, mostly because the nature of his missionary work made that impossible. He did, however, build strong family ties in the churches that he established. His relationship with the Ephesian church and elders was particularly strong as revealed in the book of Acts. He also trained young men as evangelists, that he considered his sons, to serve with him in ministry. Timothy and Titus come to mind, but I am sure there were many others. Paul chose his family. It was the family of God; the Church.
People will tell you that you can choose what you have for lunch and you can choose your friends, but you can't choose your family. Jesus blew that last one right out of the water and I'm glad he did.
If you're interested in more info on Chosen Family from a gay Christian perspective, check out this link to Your Other Brothers. It will lead you to a podcast on this very subject. It's what inspired me to write this blog post. The podcast is almost two hours long. The meat of it is in the second hour. Just skip forward and enjoy the discussion. The whole thing is worth a listen though. These guys are great. I like to listen to them when I drive. My truck has Bluetooth, so I pull up the podcast on my phone and listen to it through my truck speakers as I drive to the next fishing spot.
Later Brother.
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