Sublimating Desire

Us celibate gay Christians spend a great deal of time keeping our Tupperware tightly closed and locked. We have to. Since we believe that we are called not to be who we are in the flesh, it is necessary to repress and sublimate our same sexual desires on a continual basis. The result of pushing down all this desire is not always good. It can lead to a lot of pain, depression, loneliness and sadness; even sin of other kinds.

Many of us think that if we just had the right amount of nonsexual love and care from our straight brethren, it would all be more tolerable and doing celibacy would be a breeze. Some of us even think that if we can desexualize the way we view men, it may even cure our longings. This has not been my experience. I still want a buddy I can cuddle up with at the end of the day.

Yes, I know it's not how things are supposed to be. Yes, I know it's not what God intended.

So I have to ask, Lord, what did you intend with me? Surely it was not to be constantly distracted by unfulfilled desire. Lord, you know that celibacy is not my gift. Nevertheless, it's necessary for me if I have any hope of maintaining relationship and fellowship with You and Your people now and through eternity.

Why is such a struggle necessary? What am I supposed to glean from this battle that will make me a better man or help others? I'm not seeing it. Am I blind? Well, probably. Is it any wonder that I get irritated, cranky, cynical and any other adjectives You care to add?

Lord, I am broken. You promised new life. You said, "Deny Yourself..". I have.

I appreciate the notion that Your power is perfected in weakness and that You love showing me Your grace, but wouldn't it be better for both of us if I was not so dependent on that grace? I'm just thinking out loud here as usual.

Why, at almost 60 years of age, do I not understand You any better than I did when I was 14?

Someone said awhile back that I should give thanks for my weakness. OK. Here it is. Lord, I am thankful that you love me, even though I seem permanently bent in this way. I'm not sure why I have to be forever poked by this thorn in my flesh, but I'm sure you have your reasons. I would say it's unfair, but when I read Your word, I discover that I do not understand what 'fair' is. You asked Your own Son to give up the glory of heaven and come here to sacrifice Himself for us. I'm not sure how you could do that, but you did. It was not fair in human terms either. I am sorry you had to do it. I suppose that being queer has given me a perspective that others do not enjoy. I have more empathy for sinners because of it. I understand what it is to be driven by a desire so strong that it can destroy. So Lord, thanks for making me gay. (That was very hard to say.) I will continue to do what I can with it. In the meantime, if you wanted to supply me with a fellow traveler, it would be great.        

Thinking

I don't watch TV as a general rule. I do not have cable. Occassionaly I will watch a movie on Amazon or Netflix with my computer. I like to read and I like to read a vareity of things. I get all my news from the Drudge Report. I enjoy Youtube. Reading and viewing informative topics on arcane and obscure subjects is like my favorite thing to do. I love the oddness of the world in the 21st century. It's odd how in an age of so much personal freedom the powers that be seem so intent on numbering us, knowing us and keeping track of us, boxing us in and categorizing us to be sure we get the information that feeds who we are individually. I suppose it's a new way of delivering the "bread and circuses" as in the days of Rome.

The internet is an amazing thing, but it seems to be controlled with the intention of controlling the masses that use it. Did you know that even if you shut off the "history" on your Google accounts, they still keep track of your searches and they continually taunt you with what they have learned you like to read about and look at? I am sure that other search engines do the same thing as well as the websites that we frequent. Further to the point, all of this is readily made available to the government security complex when requested. Indeed, I do not think they even have to request it anymore. NSA, CIA and FBI as well as a host of other alphabet agencies just help themselves to our personal data whenever they see a need.

There is no such thing as privacy anymore. I'm sure they will soon even be inside our heads, developing algorithms that allow them to know our thought patterns and emotions through what we do on line and with smart phones. Private thought will become a thing of the past. The only way we will ever be able to retrieve our freedom and privacy is to take ourselves off the grid and live like modern day Ludites.

I don't think I could live off the grid. I am someone that enjoys being alone, but I cannot bear not knowing what is going on in the greater world. I enjoy texting and email. It's like an electronic barrier between me and the world that does not require me to have direct interaction with my peers, my few friends and the world at large. This blog functions in much the same way. It's a curtain on which I stitch a version of who I am - at least the me I want everyone to see. Even so, I am not on Facebook or Twitter or whatever the latest platform for communication is because I do not want everyone all up in my stuff if you know what I mean. I have been accused of narcicsm, but if it's true, it's a more laid back form that does not require me to post my latest status 42 times a day for my adoring public.

All of this is to say that I like to know what's going on around me, but I do not have an urge to be part of it. Even though the internet has allowed me the ability to observe from afar, I am still voyeristic enough to want to watch it up close. Of late, I find myself going to places where people gather just to watch them. It's like I want to be with them, but I do not want to be contaminated with their lives and personal stories. Instead I can make up my own stories about them as I stalk them as strangers.

I probably need to plug in more and take more risks, actually talking to people, but my mother said I should not talk to strangers. Odd that. People are only strangers if you do not know them or talk to them. I could be like my dad that talked to everyone and then roundly badmouthed them after a brief conversation. This is not good either.

People are weird. I am weird. Learning to enjoy the weirdness is part of friendship I suppose. I live inside my head way too much. I need a buddy.

There, I said it. I need a buddy. He needs to be about 3 years younger than me. Physical appearance is not a big deal. It's time. And no, he does not need to be my sex partner, but he needs to be someone that will be loyal and true to me, his friend. It would be best if he were Christian. I need someone that will help keep my excesses in check. I do not want a resident Pharisee bent on making me keep rules. I need a confidant that is near my own age that I can share the rest of my life with.

It probably ain't gonna happen, but that's what I want.

See, I told you I think too much.  

Zima

Zima is back and apparently for a limited time only.

Zima was developed as a beer alternative back in the early 1990's by Adolf Coors Comapny (now Miller Coors) It was a clear malt beverage with a citrus flavor that was about 5% ABV. It was discontinued in the US after the turn of the century and has only been available in Japan until this week. It is now widely available for a limited time only in the United States. I purchased a six pack today. I always enjoyed it on a hot day. It's quite refreshing. I learned only later that it was considered a girly drink or even gay in many more rednecked circles. 

I do not care. I like tequila sunrises too. Wanna make something of it Mr. Man? This homo ain't afraid of what you think so bring it! I think you're probably a closeted sissy boy anyway. You ain't foolin nobody.  Come on over and we'll share a Zima. I won't tell anyone...honest ;^)

Thursday

 I think it's official now. I had my retirement luncheon today at Johnny's Italian Steakhouse. It was a good lunch. On Thursdays the lunch special is parmesean encrusted sirloin and fries. It was very good. I got my UPS plaque, got to see my boss from St Louis one more time and my coworkers. Please enjoy the pics below. These too are my friends. Most work days I spent 12 hours with them. You have to like someone to spend that much time with them or the workday is miserable in undescribable ways. I have had employees like that. These are not them. These are my friends.

Jeff and Charlie arrived early

Jeff's boss, Tim from St Louis

Charlie Presents Jeff with the Plaque

Note the Birdfeeders on the table also for Jeff

The Star of Our Show

  Marcia, the best damned airfreight agent in the business.

Charlie, with Ben and Natalie, the newbies, the future

The Plaque

Now What???????????????

I Got My Retirement Ring

It looked better in the catalogue than is does on my hand. I liked the sterling silver with the Celtic design around the blue stone. I'm just not sure if it looks like something I'd wear. I have never been much of a jewelry wearer except for the occasional watch and I'm not sure a ring looks right on me. Does it look weird? It feels weird. It does kind of go with my watch which is silver and stainless steel. I will see how it wears this week. It's a bit loose. I think I lost some water weight due to the heat after I sent in my measurement. It may end up in the drawer with all my other work place awards.   

Stalking Jesus

In retirement one has more time to think. As someone who spends too much time thinking anyway, this is not necessarily good; but it can also bring clarity to what were once clouded issues. I have been thinking about Jesus and wondering if He considers me a follower or merely a stalker.

I was reminded of a Don Miller quote that I read on another blog about a similar issue.

"My friend Bob Goff says when we study somebody without getting to know them, it’s called stalking. Bob says Jesus is getting creeped out that we keep stalking him. He’d like us to bond with him in the doing."

I have been asking myself over and over, am I stalking Jesus or am I trying to bond with Him?

Let me tell you, I know a lot about Jesus. I know where He likes to hang out, what kind of people He attracts and even where He likes to go for dinner. When I read the gospels, especially John, I always feel like I'm right there in the crowd, amazed by His words and actions. I feel His pain and disgust with the complacency of His own people. I feel His joy when He makes the light bulb go on for someone that did not get it. I love to watch Him work the crowds and speak the truth, putting people on the spot for practicing faithless religion.

Even so, I seem to be afraid to approach Him, even now in my old age, to get to know Him better, bonding with Him in doing....yes, doing, what He would like me to do with Him. I don't even have a clue what that doing would involve.

So why am I afraid to approach Him? I can hardly pray anymore. In some ways, it's like an unfulfilled man crush. I want Him in my life, but I fear the emotional dependence that is inevitable. I also worry that He will dessert me if I fall down while doing whatever it is he wants to do with me.

Why can't I trust Him? Odd that. As I sit parked outside of heaven waiting for a glimpse of my man Jesus, I feel like some kind of window peaker. I just need to go inside and say, "I'm here. Let's do this."

I was baptized when I was 14 years old and I remember thinking at the time, "now what?". Most people get all emotional and buzzed up on Jesus when they do the dip. I was skeptical from the start. It's like my baptism didn't take. A friend offered a couple of times to re dip me. I'm sure his intentions were good and He just wanted me to feel better about myself, and really, that not a good reason to do it.

I think I need a relationship reset with Him. A re baptism might help me with that. In my mind though, I keep thinking, there are no do overs. Getting wet will not make a difference. Getting banged up with Him in some kind of service might. So Here it is.

Lord, what do you want me to do? I've passed on several opportunities this spring to do some kind of service out of fear, mostly fear of failure. That and laziness I suppose. Have I maybe done whatever it was you wanted me to do? I suppose that's possible. A long time ago you deputized me to work in your Kingdom. I feel like I've spent most of that time living off of spiritual welfare. Give me eyes to see what it is that needs done and we will do it together. I think I know. I just don't feel like carrying a cross there. It scares me. Yes, even if you are there with me. I'm not the brightest bulb in your package so it will have to be a moment of clarity like no other. Lord, as you are aware, I am no 'spring chicken'. I think we need to know each other a bit better before I show up in paradise. Time is a wasting as they say. Please forgive me for stalking you. Help me to love you in person and not just from a far away place. I have loved the idea of You. Now I want to love You. Please be mine before someone else lures me away. Thanks for what You've done for me. It's been a long strange trip and I would like to see some purpose to it when it ends. I'm sure You would too.

In Your Name...Amen

Pants

Yes, pants. It's always a good idea to wear them, especially if you're going outside or near the general public. I have had moments, particularly in the morning, when I went outside without them, but generally, I always wear pants. Last week was an exception.  There was a squirrel on my bird feeder. I was so infuriated that I went outside in a bath towel and shot at the squirrel. I had just gotten out of the tub and spied the little bugger from the bathroom window. I missed the squirrel, but I'm sure I was quite a sight wrapped in a towel and holding a .22 caliber rifle to my shoulder. I almost lost the towel on the way back into the house, but if anyone had been looking, they would have got what they deserved. I was far enough back from the road that passersby would have seen very little anyway. Come to think of it, even if I had been standing on the road shoulder they would have seen very little. but I digress...with self deprecating humor.

I'm not sure why nakedness bothers everyone so much. We were all born that way. Frankly, most folks need to cover up, if for no other reason than their bodies are hideous. We are not all going to be department store models or porn stars. Even so, if we all went about naked, or nearly so, I do not think sexuality would seem like the big deal that we all make it out to be in the clothed world. Seeing run of the mill average people of all ages naked every day would be enough to put everyone off sex I would think. Great birth control. Again, I digress

So, getting back to pants, as I said, I do wear them. Until recently, I always thought that jeans were the most comfortable along with a cotton t-shirt. But recently, I have been spending much more time outside and I find cotton clothing items are too hot and clingy. When one perspires in cotton, the clothes just sort of cling to one's body like a lukewarm dish rag or wet diaper. Very uncomfortable and kind of miserable. It was because of this that I decide to search the closet for something less like a mop and more like a screen. I came up with fishing pants (see below).

Fishing pants are made out of very thin, lightweight polyester. They are quite comfortable in the heat of summer since the breeze tends to go right through them and I have since learned that they are even better if they are worn without underwear. The fishing pants themselves are really just very baggy, lightweight cargo pants. Worn without underwear, there is room for one's genitalia to move about freely with no VPL (visible penis line), at least for me, and since the breeze tends to flow through the fishing pants, it cuts way down on scrotum perspiration (if I might be so bold). 

I then paired the fishing pants with a lightweight polyester t-shirt (Underarmour) and I was good to go for summer - fishing, lawn mowing or whatever. It feels great and if the polyester soaks with sweat, the breeze creates cooling effect on the skin and the polyester dries quickly. The wet diaper effect is gone. 

The best part of all of this is that It feels like I'm naked all the time now when I'm outside. My new wardrobe is baggy and loose and the breeze passes right through it. Very soothing. Also, Sunday is now the only day I wear underwear and jeans...or deorderant for that matter. Maybe I will start wearing my new wardrobe to church too. No one will know how naked I feel and really, transparency is all the rage these days among Evangelicals anyway.

So...if you have to wear pants, and you probably should, get some fishing pants. It's like living at the nudist colony.

Parker Millsap - "Heaven Sent" - Live from Mountain Stage

Raised me straight and raised me true

Spent my days becoming you

Sunday morning, evening too

Sitting in your second pew

Torn apart, my spirit's spent

I fell in love on accident

Wondered just what Jesus meant

When He said all love was Heaven-sent



[Chorus]:

Papa I don't need a preacher

I ain't some kind of creature

From some old double feature

I just want to make you proud

Of the kind of love I've found

But you say it ain't allowed

Say that its a sin

But it's how I've always been

Did you love me when he was just my friend?



Tried my hardest not to be

I locked the door and I broke the key

Jesus died upon that tree

Daddy, do you think that covered me

Red and yellow, black and white

We are precious in His sight

Why can't I sleep through the night?

Daddy do you think I turned out right?



[Chorus]:

Papa I don't need a preacher

I ain't some kind of creature

From some old double feature

I just want to make you proud

Of the kind of love I've found

But you say it ain't allowed

Say that it's a sin

But it's how I've always been

Did you love me when he was just my friend?



Papa you're the one that taught me

By his strap He sought me

And with his blood He bought me

Daddy you're the one that claimed

That He loved me through the flame

Now why can't you do the same

Well I've been born again

But first was born in sin

Did you love me then?

Did you love me then?

Happy

Someone from work texted me to ask how I was doing since retirement. I think I'm fine, but that fluctuates. There is contentment even in fluctuation. Never seen me before? Now's your chance.

The War Is Over

Last week, I popped my arch nemesis, The Squirrel (pictured below), a couple of times with some bird shot loads from my .22 caliber semi automatic rifle. I thought he was done. I thought he ran up the tree and died there, leaving his squirrel skeleton as a warning to other rodent passersby. It seems I was wrong.

It takes a lot of squirrel cahones to walk on the ledge of the window right in front of me. It's as though he's mocking my earlier pellet gun attempts on his life as weak and useless and my bird shot rounds as collateral damage. Meanwhile, he engineers further attempts to violate and peruse my bird feeders. Anyway...

Today he died. I used four .22 caliber copper jacketed hollow points and took his squirrel ass out. He is done. He is no more. His bird feeder molesting days are over. I removed his carcass to a shallow grave in the trees east of the house with my deceased squirrel removal tool (DSRT), aka, a shovel.

Domestic terror of this level must be met by overwhelming force. I will no longer hurl pellets and bird shot and a persistent rodent enemy. I have won my war on domestic terror. The Squirrel is dead.

Next....  

An Unusual Fishing Event

I was working the Saylorville Dam outlet today and a strange thing happened. I caught a channel cat on a Roostertail spinner. He was not very big, but when you're fishing for walleye, it's a surprise.

l

Outside

I sat outside on the east deck tonight by the fire watching the sprinkler system do it's thing. Life is good.

The Mexicans Have Done It Again

I have always enjoyed Mexican beers, but this one is unusual. Give it up for Modelo Chelada.

With the refreshing flavors of tomato, salt, lime, tamarind and chipotle peppers, it goes down smooth with a slight afterburn on the tongue and lips. There is tartness from the lime and the tomato juice brings it all together. It low alcohol (3.3 ABV) and very refreshing on a hot day. I'm thinking it would be good to wash down a few tacos. Try one. I think you will like it. Get it good and cold. Sit out on the deck and sip it; and shoot a few squirrels too.    

Strange Perennials And Other Stuff

Centaurea Montana

My friend, Beth, says this is a Centaurea plant. It's beautiful. I'm lead to believe they come in other colors. I think I will get some of them for next year. I like'em. I'm not sure what the next one is, but I like it too. It would be hilarious if it turned out to be a weed.

I got the waterfall going...kind of beautiful.

This is proving to be a fun place to live. I hope I can stay awhile before I die. Someone has to be here to deport the illegals to Yellow Banks...

This possum was kind of old and lethargic like me. Someday I will get deported to Yellow Banks too I suppose. They're gonna need a bigger trap though.

I Have To Get The Lawn Mowed Before It Rains

Good Job Tim

We had our annual outdoor church service today. By all accounts it was very good. Red Roots lead the song service, apparently held over from the concert that followed the annual meat smoking competition on Saturday.

The sermon, however, was unusually good. Our new worship team leader spoke and his skills amazed me. If it did not effect the rest of the Body in the same manner, I would be surprised. I am known to be quite critical of preachers as a former 'wanna be'. I will cut them some slack the first time out, but Tim, you needed no slack. It was more than professional. I felt like you were talking to me, even though we were outdoors with hundreds of others.

And I guess maybe you were. I have never given God thanks for my weakness as you suggested I do today. I blamed Him for it. I got mad at Him about it. I let it keep me from doing things I could probably be doing. All because, even though everybody knows what my weakness is, I am still ashamed and I feel that people look at me and walk away thinking about what could have been if I had just been like everyone else.

I am not and never will be like all of you. I am sorry if that diminishes who I am as a Christian person in your eyes. I am not pleased with it either.  I have asked God to fix this since before I was a teenager. It was not happening and at almost 60 years old, I doubt it will. I used to think He hated me. I have since come to believe He tolerates me with exceptions. I do not understand Him. There is much in my skills repertoire that could have been useful to Him. Instead, He just gave me a lifetime fight that requires every ounce of my will and has destroyed all my emotions.

Why would I thank Him for that? To what purpose was I supposed to use my "weakness"? It has kept me humble, or at least as humble as I can be...I am a bit self absorbed sometimes.

But again, would I be so self absorbed if I did not always have to fight this battle?

I don't know.

Anyway Tim, you made me think. That is no minor achievement. I will consider giving thanks for my weakness. It just seems so inappropriate.